Crazy Cullen Chronicles
by twilightnite
Summary: The Cullens can be strange, but just how strange? Series of strange, stupid, random, and mainly funny stories, all coming out of the thing that's known as Kate's brain. Chapter 48: Sunday with the Pack. /Holy Moley, Kate updated! I thought she died!/
1. The Real Reason

**_Welcome to a story dedicated to revealing hidden aspects of the 'Twilight' world, everything from the Cullens being slightly odd to full blown insane! And now, whithout further adieu..._**

**From the day we are born we are told that there are reasons for everything. Why do cows moo? Because. Why do I have to go to bed now? Because I said so. **

**But.**

**They said you can't read Bella's mind because it's complicated, they said that's just the way things were. They **_**lied**_**.**

**The Real Reason**

"Edward?"

"Yes Rosalie?" Edward looked up at his sister expectantly. "What's the matter?"

"I, I think I know the real reason you can't read Bella's thoughts and mind."

Edward straightened up, genuinely intrigued.

"What would that be?"

Rosalie fidgeted and wouldn't look up at her brother, she was trying to hide her smile. She shook with silent laughter.

Edward placed his hands on her shoulders.

"Rosalie! Tell me what's wrong! What's the reason I can't read Bella's thoughts?"

Rosalie looked her brother in the eye.

"Do you really want to know?"

"Yes, Rosalie. I do. So tell me!"

"The real reason you can't read Bella's thoughts is........"

She paused for dramatic effect, annoying Edward now.

"Is because there's nothing going on in there!"

She burst out laughter and ran out of the room. Edward stood there, shocked.

"ROSALIE!!!!"

* * *

**Yeah, it was short, but still. Gave you some insight didn' it? Have you ever wondered why Edward can't read Bella's thoughts? Stephenie Meyer said it was because her mind was too complicated….maybe, but maybe not…..**

**Thank you for reading! **

**Many mucho more chapters will be coming, all for your enjoyment!**

**-Kate**


	2. It Burns!

**From here to roughly Chapter 8 or, Bella will be spending a weekend with the Cullens, which may prove to be much more disastrous than thought at first...**

**It Burns!**

Bella's PoV

_Today would be one of the most horrific days of my life. I just knew it. The way things were going now, it couldn't get much better. Edward was off hunting with most of his family, which left me, Alice, and Emmett home alone at the Cullens. Nothing good can come from this…_

Alice came to pick me up this morning, seeing as Edward had already left. Charlie didn't seem all that happy that I was going to the Cullens, but he didn't say anything.

"So what do you want to do today?" she asked once we were well on our way.

"I don't know. What do you normally do?" She smiled widely, her smile taking up half of her face.

"Nothing really, I can't take you shopping because you'd lose it, and Emmett…" she paused, "Emmett is usually Emmett…"

I shuddered. I didn't feel like being pranked today.

"Don't worry Bella, he won't prank you today, that's Thursday." I sunk into the seat.

"Like that makes me feel any better."

"Hey, just be glad that you get to spend a weekend with us. Edward will see to it that Emmett lays off with the jokes."

"I hope so…"

_How wrong we were. And this was just the beginning._

Alice and I pulled into the driveway; she cut the engine as soon as she heard it. Music was blaring out of an open window on the second floor.

Emmett could be seen dancing through the window.

I exchanged a quick look with Alice and turned to get my bag.

Alice was already in the house, a quick scream followed.

I ran toward the sound, dropping my bags in the front hall.

Running up the stairs –I only fell twice thank you very much!- I came to Emmett and Rosalie's room.

And there was Emmett. Singing. Not just any song, but Sean Paul's _Temperature_.

"_Gal don't say me crazy now, this strange love it a no Bridgette and Flava show..  
Time fi a make baby now so stop gwaan like you a act shady yo...  
Woman don't play me know, cause a no Fred Sanford nor Grady yo....  
My lovin' is the way to go...my lovin' is the way to go....."_

He even began to throw in some dance moves. (hip thrusts and such) he stopped when Alice and I screamed.

"W-what are you doing…?" I stammered. Emmett would have blushed if he could.

"I was dancing…..for Rosalie! Yeah, that's it! Rosalie!"

"Emmett, I thought you got rid of those CDs."

"I did! They just won't stop sending them!" He held up four yellow envelopes.

"But why did you open one?"

"I was….bored!"

"Sure…" I screamed again.

"This has happened before?!" Alice turned to me, trying not to scream either.

"Ye-" Alice was cut off when Emmett started the music again.

The two of us screamed and ran down the stairs.

"IT BURNS!" We shrieked.

_And that's how Edward found the two of hiding behind a couch, repeating over and over, "IT BURNS!!"_

* * *

**Oh the joys of having a song you don't necesarrily like stuck in your head after repeated playing on iTunes... Don't ask. You're much safer if you don't ask.**


	3. Emmett Cullen for Presidantee Baybee!

**Came up with the idea from Homer Simpson on David Letterman's "Top 10 Reasons I, Homer Simpson, should be President."  
Please, don't ask about the title below. It's a variation of pronunciation of 'president' and 'baby.'**

**Anything in** _(insert words here) _**is what's going on while Emmett speaks.**

**Emmett Cullen for Presidantay Baybee!  
**  
_Top 10 Reasons I, Emmett Cullen, should be President_

10.) I'm strong and got good looks! (_Edward and Jasper scoff)_

9.) It's one step closer to world domination! (_Bella cringes)_

8.) I don't feel that I have any opposition to my awesome-ness.

7.) I'll pummel the opponent! Not only with my superior muscle mass, but with my kick butt ultimate dance moves!

6.) Jasper will aid me in my schem-I mean, my reig- I mean, my presidency. (_Jasper rolls his eyes)_

5.) Alice can see the future, so now I can see if I'd win or not! _Mwahaha! _If I don't, I can _make _me win. Watch me.

4.) I'll make baseball the national sport, forcing each and every citizens to partake in a ritualistic style of ceremonies, during which I will be thanked for being such a brillant mastermind of greatness. Side note: free balloon animals for kids! Mostly in the shape of grizzly bears, with the rare mountain lion and gorilla.

3.) Because I want to be, and I believe I can be. Besides, aren't we brought up thinking that we can do anything as long as we believe we can?

2.) Do I seriously need more reasons? I can throw one heck of an Inauguration Party. Forget presidential speeches about the economy and politics, bring a friend and you're in!

1.) Because, as I said before, I can!

* * *

Emmett looked up at us seated before him and asked us bluntly,

"So what do you think?"

"That's a rather, interesting list you have there Emmett. Perhaps you should put more thought into it?" I suggested. I don't want to crush my son's dream, but it was a bit far-fetched, not to mention slightly terrifying.

"Well, thank you Esme." He turned to Bella. "What do you think Bella?" Bella cringed.

"As long as you don't dance to _Temperature_, take over the world, or kill anyone, who cares?"

Many of the vampires in the room began to laugh. Emmett began to look annoyed.

"Let's see your list then! What are your Top 10 Reasons you, Bella Swan, should be President?" The laughter quickly died down and everyone turned their attention to Bella.

"I don't have a list, but I have my Number 1 Reason."

"Which would be?" Jasper prodded. Bella looked Emmett square in the eye.

"I'd make a better President than you!"

With that, Bella, Edward, and Alice (who brought Jasper with her) left the room. That left Carlisle, Rosalie, Emmett, and I alone in the living room.

"Tonight should be fun…" he trailed off, leaving the room, a wide and evil grin on his face.

I turned back to my husband.

"Carlisle…" I began, feeling a tremor of anxiety and confusion in my voice.

"I don't even _want_ to know."

* * *

**Yay for randomness! What do you think of Emmett's reasons? His great superiority of awesome-ness with one day wow us all as he climbs the ranks to Presidency, making us all succumb to his will and attend every baseball game in existence.**

**Hey wait...**


	4. Tickets to Torture

**Remember folks, this is only the beginning……(insert spontaneous, never ending evil laughter here now, iffin' you please.)**

**Tickets To Torture**

"Emmett! Put me down! I swear to god!" Emmett stopped in his tracks.

"YOU SWEAR AT GOD?!"

"NOT AT GOD YOU MORON! TO GOD!" Bella froze, playing her words over in her head. "Er, never mind."

Emmett shrugged and continued down the stairs, only to be tackle by Jasper, which meant Bella was tackled, which meant Bella's head was heading for the banister.

"OMC!!" Esme ended up pulling Bella out of the fight. She sighed and began to scold them like any mother would. Bella stood, dazed.

"But he started it!"

"Me? No he-"

"I don't care who started it! I'LL FINISH IT!" Esme yelled at her sons. "Now boys, come into the living room, your father has something to tell you all." Emmett released Jasper and barreled into the living room. Bella and Jasper exchanged a quick glance and slowly entered the room.

Carlisle sat in his chair, facing his family. Edward suddenly appeared behind Bella causing her to shriek which caused the Cullens to look at her which caused her to blush. Carlisle turned back to his family.

"Anyway, I know that we all love baseball-" he was interrupted by some cheers from Emmett, who stopped when he realized that he was the only one cheering.

"Do go on Carlisle." He said in a rather sophisticated manner, surprising most of the others. Carlisle was unsure of how to procede at first, but continued on anyway.

"Alright then. Since we all love baseball and we don't want to bring any danger to Bella," he smirked at Bella, who blushed and Rosalie rolled her eyes. "I've bought us all tickets to a Mariners game tonight."

Emmett began to cheer again and even Rosalie, Alice, Jasper, and Edward cracked a smile. Esme stood up and walked over to her husband, hugging him and giving him a peck on the cheek.

"Your surprise went well dear."

"I believe it has."

Edward kissed the top of Bella's head. Her smile faded when she looked at Emmett.

"I'll be running or hiding from Emmett tonight."

"OH BBBBBEEEELLLLAAAA!!!!!!" Emmett yelled, two feet away from her. She screamed and ran off, Emmett close behind. Edward pinched the bridge of his nose.

"This is going to be a loooong night."

* * *

**This is only the beginning! And it was short! And I still c****an't wait to show you guys the next chapter! I like it! I like it a lot actually.**

**Maybe I don't, but you'll have to read it to find out, won't you?**

**Yes, yes you will.**


	5. Ball Games Are For Head Trauma

**Ooooohhhh! Is Bella gonna get it? Is Emmett really mad? Is it gonna be a loooooong night? How will the game go?**

**Get ready! This should be a loooong chapter.**

**Ball Games Are For Head Trauma**

Bella spent most of her time running from Emmett who in turn, would walk around the house going "Fe fi fo fum" and open a door. A scream would be heard afterwards and Bella would run by the living room, the rest of the Cullens watching intently.

"When will it stop?" Jasper piped up, a bit annoyed yet still amused.

"In 5….4…3…2…1!" Edward stuck his foot out as he said "1!", causing Emmett to trip and crash into a wall. Esme tensed at the thought of having to fix any more walls. **_(Emmett likes to crash through them. See 'Beach Party With The Cullens' for further details.)_**

Emmett got up, mumbled about how he was going to get back at Edward. Bella ran into the room, bouncing off of Emmett's –who was still on the floor- back and landed on the couch with a "Whew!".

Alice chuckled and Carlisle cleared his throat.

"Alright, now that that's settled, is everyone ready to go?"

"Go where?" Rosalie rolled her eyes at her husband.

"The baseball game Emmett."

"We're going to a baseball game?"

"Nooo…" She rolled her eyes again and Alice hit him in the back of the head.

"Hey." Esme spoke up, her voice stern. "Get along. All of you."

Rosalie, Alice and Emmett all scoffed, getting warning glares from Esme. Bella stared blankly at the wall in front of her.

"Bella?" Edward shook her shoulders gently. She kept staring at the wall.

"Hmm?"

"Are you okay?" Alice poked her but got no reply.

"Wow, Bella's finally lost it. Who knew it would take so long?" Rosalie rolled her eyes when Edward sent her a death glare. "It's not my fault she's stupid."

"I'm not stupid Rosalie. Get off your throne for once and look at reality." Rosalie gaped at Bella, her anger building up. "Besides, I bet that you couldn't even go one night without insulting me- out loud or in your head." Bella replied smugly.

"Would you like to put a wager on that?"

"Sure, why don't we?" Bella narrowed her eyes at Rosalie, grinning evilly.

Rosalie and Bella shook hands as the rest of the Cullens just stared at them with wide eyes and their mouths hanging open.

"Why don't we go now?" Alice suggested, not really ready for her sisters to kill each other.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0 **(Hehehe don't the little 0o0's look pretty? Er, anyways…)**

20 minutes later the Cullens and Bella had arrived at the baseball stadium. Bella had ridden with Edward, Jasper, and Alice while Carlisle, Esme, Emmett and Rosalie rode in a separate car so that Rosalie and Bella wouldn't kill one another.

Carlisle got out of his car and shook his head. Esme sighed and walked with her husband up to the front gate. Alice and Jasper exchanged a quick glance and took off after their parents leaving Edward and Emmett to drag their girlfriends away from each other.

-At their seats-

The tickets Carlisle had bought got them all seats by the third base. Luckily today was a bit over cast so they didn't have to worry about the sun sparkling off of them.

Bella sat in between two of the Cullen boys. (Emmett on her left and Edward on her right) She sunk into the seat somewhat bored.

The first inning passed without any commotion, just Alice chattering away to Jasper and Emmett getting smacked in the back of his head by Rosalie. Edward began to leave a small trail of kisses going down Bella's neck.

"Bella?"

"What?" she replied groggily.

"Are you hungry?"

"No." she yawned slightly. "Just tired." Emmett turned to face her.

"How can you be tired when you're at a baseball game?"

"Gee, let me think. Does it have anything to do with a certain psychotic va-person who wants revenge for a small insult? Gee I wonder…" Bella said smugly while Emmett just narrowed his eyes at her.

"Soon, Bella, very soon." Bella opened her mouth to speak again only to have popcorn shoved into her hands.

"Wha-" Bella began, only to be cut off by Edward.

"Eat Bella, you need food."

"But I'm not-"

"Here Bella!" Alice was beaming as she set a container of nachos on her lap.

"But-"

"Oh don't forget this Bella dear!" Esme placed a cup of Coke in the cup holder nearest Bella and smiled warmly at her.

"Thanks but I'm not-"

"Here you go!" Emmett plopped a plate of pizza into Bella's free hand.

"How are you getting all of this food?!" Bella yelped as Edward leaned in to whisper in her ear.

"Now Bella, we have our ways, you know that…"

"Er…"

"Bella! Catch!" Jasper lightly tossed a bag of peanuts at Bella, hitting her in the side of her head.

"Hey!"

"Sorry!" Jasper sat back down in his seat as Alice laid her head on his shoulder again.

"What's all this for?" Bella turned her head to question Edward.

"You need food Bella. Just eat."

"But I don't need-"

"Here." Rosalie glared down at Bella and placed a hotdog on top of the nachos.

"I don't-"

Carlisle looked at Bella sympathetically. "I take it you don't want anymore food?"

"No I do not want anymore food!" Bella yelled at the sky, Carlisle sat back in his seat as Bella went on with her rant. She stood up in a huff, handing out food to random people seating around her.

One shocked boy gave her his phone number as she gave him the pizza, angering Edward.

She sat back down and took a deep breath. By this time, they were now in the ninth inning.

"So who's winning?" She asked Emmett. Emmett looked at her in shock-and wait, was that fear?!- before he replied.

"M-Mariners."

"Good. That's what we're here for, I guess." She sighed and gave a scared Edward a quick kiss. "I love you Edward." She whispered

"I love you too." He whispered back as she turned to watch the game before her.

"Look out!" "Here it comes!" Two random people in the stands called.

"Edward what-" but Bella was unable to finish her sentence. People in the stands by them began to stand and cheer.

"GO MARINERS!" and "Woo hoo!" and "Oh yeah!" could be heard coming from the seats around them. Someone began to throw popcorn into the air as confetti.

Emmett, Edward, and the rest of their family stood and cheered with the rest of the crowd. Edward looked down at Bella, trying to get her to cheer with them.

"Hey Bella-BELLA!" Bella lay back in her seat, unconscious. Sitting in her lap was the ball that had won the game. The ball that had hit her in the head, knocking her unconscious.

"BELLA!" Edward had knelt down and placed his hands on her shoulders. Alice and Esme had made their way over to Bella, Esme dragging Carlisle over.

"Oh my god she's dead!" Some blonde girl behind Edward yelled. She looked back down at Edward, re-evaluating him. "Hey, if your girlfriend's dead, can I be your new girlfriend?!" Edward growled subconsciously, scaring the girl.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Bella awoke in a bright and white room, her forehead throbbed and she bolted upright.

"OW!" She placed her hand on her forehead. "Edward! You have a really hard chin! Ow!"

"Erm, Bella, that's not Edward," Emmett trailed of. Bella found him in the corner and gave him a quizzical look.

"It's Rosalie." Bella looked up to see Rosalie with a worried expression.

"Bella, are you okay?" Rosalie said. But, her voice wasn't Rosalie's, it was-

"Edward!" Bella bolted up right and wrapped her arms around his neck. He chuckled.

"I wouldn't be surprised if you gave yourself a concussion from hitting Rosalie's chin and knocking yourself out again."

"Huh?"

* * *

**There you go! That's it for the Ball Game! I hope you liked it! Yes, the ending was confusing. Personally, I barely even understand it. But that shouldn't surprise you.**

**Explanation for the ending: Bella got hit in the head and got knocked out. When she came to, she saw Emmett in the corner and assumed she hit Edward's chin. It was Rosalie who was sitting by her, not Edward. He just asked if she was okay. Uh, anyways…**

**The part where Bella got hit in the head with the ball was taken from Kate's favorite movie, "Fever Pitch". You know, the part where Lindsey or Lindsay (However you spell it) got hit in the head with the baseball. It was funny!**

**Thanks for reading!**


	6. Powers

**Just a sweet little one-shot for you. :) I got bored last night, what can I say? Hope you like it!**

**Powers**

Edward sat in the middle of our meadow, propping himself up on his hands. I sat next to him, resting my head on his shoulder. I giggled and blushed when he pulled me onto his lap. He rested his chin on my head and together we gazed at the stars.

"Hey Edward," I could feel his eyes smolder from above me.

"Yes Bella?"

"You know how some vampires have powers while others don't?"

"Yes."

"Well, I think your whole family has powers."

"You do, do you?" I turned my head to kiss his cheek.

"Yes, yes I do." He laughed and gave me a quick kiss. "Let's hear their powers then." I sighed.

"I think that seeing the future isn't the only power Alice has. I think she also has to power to spread happiness to the people around her." Edward was silent so I spoke again.

"Emmett may be really strong, but he also has to power to protect the people he cares about. Like Rosalie and his family." He smiled down at me.

"What about Rosalie?" Dang it! I hadn't really given that one much thought.

"Hmm… Rosalie's power…Her power's probably…"

"Ignorance?"

"Edward!" He chuckled while making fun of his sister. I had to say, part of me agreed while another part of me wanted to smack him for insulting what I hoped to be my future sister. Not that I would say either out loud.

"Anyways, I think her power is the fact that she still has some of her human traits. I guess you could say that she can still feel jealousy and envy." He laughed and kissed my forehead.

"Now Jasper."

"Jasper may have to power to feel your emotions and all, but I think his power can also be the fact that you can talk to him about anything. No matter what." One of Edward's perfect eyebrows rose and I giggled at his reaction.

"And you know this how?" I rolled my eyes for dramatic effect.

"I talk to Alice and Esme of course. Now I know a lot about you guys." I replied smugly.

"Huh. Carlisle now."

"Carlisle's the doctor, of course his power would probably have to do with compassion and healing and all."

"I see."

"Esme, Esme has the power to love and care for almost anyone. She's like the perfect mother." I giggled again. Edward began to run his nose across the top of my head, clouding my thoughts.

"Mmm Hmm. Go on."

"That's it Edward. That's everyone." I sat up and faced him. His angelic face was in a pout. I smiled. "Of course there's always you. Not only can you read minds but you can dazzle people and cloud their thoughts." We laughed together, the next thing I knew, a pair cold and strong arms wrapped around my waist. His eyes were a liquid gold. I was putty in his hands. Well, arms, but still.

"Do I know?" His smoldering eyes glistened in the dark.

"Um…… Wha?" He laughed and pulled away just as is family emerged from the forest surrounding the meadow. Esme was the first to speak.

"Do you really think that Bella?"

"Yes, I do."

Alice came over and gave a hug so tight I had to try to push her away only to be locked in a bear hug by Emmett. The rest of the Cullens came over and we spent the rest of the night star gazing. I swear I actually saw Rosalie smile at me.

I loved my disfunctional undead family.

* * *

**There you go, a nice and sweet little chapter to the endless strangeness of the Cullens. If you think about it though, don't they all seem to have their own unique powers and traits?**

**Thanks for reading! Remember to review!**


	7. Fun with Beverages

**I hope you all liked that last chapter! Hopefully it wasn't too weird for you. Moving on…… **

**Emmett and Alice have decided to have a little 'fun' with Bella and some beverages. You've been warned.**

**Fun with Beverages**

(Bella's PoV)

"Bella!!! Wake up!!!" Alice practically bouncing up and down in excitement.

"What?" I snapped, still half asleep. Her pretty face turned into a pout. "I'm sorry Alice." I murmured, sitting up.

"Come with me." Before I could protest, she had grabbed my wrist and was flying down the stairs, me flying behind her.

She plopped me on the couch and dashed out of the room.

It was quiet.

_Too_ quiet.

"OOOHHH BBBEEELLLLLLAAA!!!!!!!" Emmett yelled loudly, thundering down the stairs, he was sitting next to me before I had the chance to even move.

He sat there, grinning as I sunk into the depths of the couch.

"I'm so gonna die…" Was the last thing I said before Alice was back in the room, hiding something behind her back. Her expression was stern but her eyes sparkled with happiness.

"Okay, so Bella, listen and listen good." I gulped inwardly. "I'm gonna give you something, you take it. No questions asked. Get it? Got it? Good." I nodded quickly, "That takes care of that. Now comes the fun part!" The way she said 'fun' made my skin crawl. This'll be a long day.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"So how's it taste Bella? Is it good? Bad? Want some mouthwash? How 'bout some Mountain Dew?"

"Woah, woah, woah. Alice, chill. I haven't even tasted it yet." My head held a styrofoam cup. I looked down at the brown liquid with confusion. "What's this again?"

"Diet Coke."

"Uh-huh. So why are we doing this?"

"I said no questions asked!" Alice glared at me with fake anger. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Emmett's smile growing wider.

Just as I took a sip of the soda Emmett screamed in bloody murder, at least, I think he was screaming.

"DOCTOR DOCTOR GIVE ME THE NEWS! I'VE GOT A BAD CASE OF LOVIN' YOU!!!" Okay, Emmett screaming his head off singing a song-in which he probably got a few words wrong- was by far one of the funniest things that had happened today.

What happened next wasn't so funny.

Diet Coke came out of my nose! It hurt! And it burned! I began to choke, glaring at Alice and Emmett who were doubled over in laughter. If she could have, Alice would have been crying.

"Oh my god you guys! What the heck!" I screeched at them, holding my nose. "That hurt!" Emmett snickered and Alice gave me a remorseful look.

"I'm so sorry Bella. I-I just wanted to see what kind of soda y-you liked, and E-Emmett he…he" She looked choked up and I couldn't help but feel sorry for her.

"It's okay Alice, just don't do it again." She smiled at me, handing me another cup o' soda. "So what's this?" I stared down at it, watching the little bubbles pop.

"Um, Mountain Dew."

"Sounds safe enough," I muttered, taking a sip. Emmett was next to me in an instant.

"Where did you-" I started to talk, only to be cut off by Emmett.

"Nowhere. I just had to run to my room for a minute." I shrugged, not overly caring where he went.

"Drink it and tell me what you think Bella!"

"Fine, fine!" I took a cautious sip, making sure they weren't going to try to make me laugh. Alice was pouring another cup of soda and Emmett was just sitting there.

When I was sure they weren't going to do anything, I chugged it. What can I say? I love Mountain Dew!

"Bella look at this picture!" Emmett shoved an embarrassing photo of Jasper in front of my face. I couldn't help it, soda came out of my nose again as I tried to choke down my laughter. Alice had her mouth in a hard line, shaking with silent laughter. Emmett's booming laughter filled the room.

**_(If you want to know what the photo was of Jasper, and why it's embarrassing, just ask. Better yet, for the whole answer, go read the next chapter, Chapter 8: Jasper's Embarassing Photo!)_**

"He lost a bet that year, poor vamp." Emmett sighed. "Sorry about that Bella, I just had to show you." I shook my head.

"It's fine, just stop." He nodded solemnly.

"Sorry about that Bella, do you want some Coke?" I nodded slowly and she handed me the glass. She smiled and poured a cup of Root Beer.

Maybe they wouldn't make me laugh anymore. Maybe no more soda would come out of my nose.

_Man was I wrong._

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

After about forty-five minutes of Let's-make-soda-come-out-of-Bella's-nose Alice and Emmett had had their fill of laughter. And by had their fill, I mean they ran out of soda. This was not fun at all. Needless to say, I was beyond pissed.

But when Alice apologizes to you and give you Bambi eyes, how can you be mad at her?

Or when Emmett's face droops in sadness and he looks like he's gonna cry, how can you be mad at him either?

Of course when someone who looks like a pro wrestler looks like he's about to cry, it looks a bit weird.

Anyways, Alice began to get rid of the soda and cups and Emmett was mopping up what was left –what I spilt while I was laughing and the half bottle of soda that Alice knocked over when she was shaking with laughter- and I sat there on the couch, fuming.

That's when I came up with the perfect revenge. _Oh this would be good. _Emmett sent me one last apologetic look and left the room, leaving me to my plans.

Perfect.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

The rest of the Cullens were home _**(Don't ask where they went, I have no clue.)**, _giving me the perfect opportunity to unleash my plan.

Alice was busy distracting her parents and siblings while Emmett tried desperately to get a grape soda stain out of Esme's WHITE carpet.

"I'll got get some stain remover." I whispered to him when he nodded as I ran to the kitchen.

I opened the refrigerator door when I found them.

_Mwahahahaha!_

I froze, shocked.

_Woah, did I just laugh evilly in my head?_

_Oui oui mon amie!_

_Okay, now the voice speaks French... Loony bin here I come._

I shook my head and grabbed my supplies.

Emmett now stood in the front hall with Alice, stalling.

Rosalie and Jasper stood there, bored. Esme was watching her 'children' with suspicion; Carlisle raised an eyebrow at them. Edward stood there, perking up when he saw me. He looked at me with skepticism when he noticed what I had in my hands. I put a finger to me lips and he smiled, Jasper and Rosalie were now looking at me and I smiled smugly, watching my targets.

Then I pounced.

I crept up behind Alice and Emmett, who either didn't hear me for once or did hear me and just didn't care.

I raised my arms and turned the bottle upside down over there heads. Alice shrieked and Emmett stood there with a stunned expression on his face.

Alice's white shirt was stained with orange soda and Emmett's gray shirt had now dark stains on it.

Slowly they turned to face me, angry.

"BELLA!!!!" They both yelled at the top of their lungs. I dropped the now empty bottles and covered my ears with my hands.

"Ow my ears! I think I'm going deaf!" I laughed at their facial expressions again. I smiled smugly at them as their family burst out laughing.

"That'll teach you to make soda come out of my nose!" I walked over to Edward and gave him a hug as his siblings stormed up the stairs.

"This isn't over Bella!" Alice screamed as she dashed down the hall.

"Do I even want to know?" Edward looked down at me in confusion.

"Meh, probably not."

* * *

**Sorry, I just had to write that. :D **

**If you still wanna know more about the picture, just go read the next chapter.**

**Here's an alternate ending to this chapter.**

Esme shook her head, trying to stop the laughter and walked into the living room.

"WHO STAINED MY CARPET?!?!?!"

**So there's that chapter. Woop woop! **

**Thanks for reading though!**


	8. Jasper's Embarassing Photo

**A lot of people wanted to know what Jasper's embarrassing picture was about. Here's the story, it all of it's bunniful glory.**

**Jasper's Embarrassing Photo**

I was holding my sides in laughter. I couldn't breath.

"W-why…how…" I began to cry. "That's too funny! What'd you do to him?!"

Emmett grinned and told his tale, Alice helping him along.

"About oh say, two years ago, Jasper and I placed a bet on how long it took someone to annoy Carlisle. He said about 10 minutes and I said about 5. Poor vamp. Never knew what hit him."

Alice was rolling on the floor laughing.

"Okay, so explain to whole outfit." Alice stopped laughing and told me the story of his outfit.

"So the bet was placed around Easter okay? Who ever lost the bet would have to go around in a bunny suit giving out egg shaped stink bombs to random little kids in the mall. It was even more fun when we got Jasper a PINK bunny suit!"

We burst out laughing again.

"Hey wait a minute. How'd you get stink bombs??" Emmett clapped a hand on my shoulder.

"That Bella dear, is a story of it's own."

"Okay…" Alice stopped laughing and froze.

"Oh my god he's coming! Hurry! Hide the picture!" Emmett face was priceless. He looked like he was terrified and shocked at the same time. He quickly hid the picture behind a pillow and turned to TV on. Alice jumped onto the couch next to me and whispered into my ear.

"Just play along ok? He doesn't realize that we have that picture. Don't give away our secret." I nodded.

Emmett, Alice and I sat there on the couch watching Myth Busters until Jasper came into the room. He smiled and made he was over to his wife. He sat down next to her a gave her a quick kiss.

"I missed you." He murmured. I sat there, trying not to laugh, the photo still fresh in my mind. Emmett made a few gagging noises, receiving a glare from Jasper.

"What'd you do this time?" Jasper spoke to Emmett through his teeth. Emmett bit his lower lip to keep from laughing.

_Oh god he's gonna spill the beans!_

"Emmett!!" I hissed at him, he nodded and stared at the TV intently.

An awkward silence filled the room. Jasper was immediately in front of Emmett.

"I'm going to kill you Emmett."

"But why-" Jasper pointed to something behind the pillow Emmett had hid the picture behind. A corner of the picture could be seen. How Jasper could tell what it was I had no clue.

"EMMETT!" In the next minute Jasper and Emmett were wrestling and in the next minute Jasper was being flung across the room by Emmett. Alice and I exchanged a quick glance as Rosalie and Edward poked their heads into the room.

"What the-?" Rosalie groaned when she saw her husband and brother fighting. "Geez."

"You are so dead Emmett!" Jasper yelled at his brother while wriggling out of his grasp. He leapt up and ran over to the couch, grabbing the photo. "Now to burn it." He held it over his head.

Not the smartest move.

Alice reached up and snatched the picture.

"Actually, I think you look quite cute there Jazzy." He groaned.

"Just give me the picture Alice."

"Let me think, no!" She held to her chest. "And you'll never get it back!" Jasper rolled his eyes, reaching toward his wife.

"BELLA HERE!" She reached out quickly, giving me the embarrassing blackmail. I quickly snatched it and hid it behind my back.

Jasper gave an exasperated sigh. He reached toward me, holding out his and.

"Bella, give it here." I shook my head in defiance.

"Never!"

"Bella." He took another step closer, threatening to pounce and grab the picture.

When he got closer, I did the only thing I could think of at the moment.

I put the picture down the front of my shirt.

Jasper froze in shock. "W-wh……but……" I narrowed my eyes at him and smiled smugly when Edward came into the room, shocked.

"You want it? Come get it." Alice cracked a smile at me and glared at her husband. Everyone had now come into the room and were watching Jasper and I.

"You……I can't……I won't." I shrugged.

"Okay, that's that."

"I won't but Edward will." I froze and looked at him wide eyed. My face flushed as everyone turned their gaze to look at Edward.

"What?"

"You heard me Edward. It's my picture. It's your girlfriend's shirt. You do the math." Edward stopped moving.

He looked like he was seriously thinking about doing it. _Not that I wouldn't mind all that much, then again, I would. _I cringed inwardly.

"Don't even think about it Edward." Esme said disapprovingly.

Edward gulped and looked me in the eye, as if apologizing. My eye narrowed and my hands bunched into fists and I hissed my next words at him.

"You put your hand down my shirt and it'll be the last thing you ever do."

A bunch of snickers could be heard in the living room. Jasper stood there waiting for his picture and Edward stood rooted to the spot, shocked.

I turned on my heel and walked out of the room, half of the picture sticking out of the top of my shirt.

_Blackmail is so very, very beautiful._

_

* * *

_

**And there's your story of Jasper's Embarrassing Photo.**

**It was a picture of Jasper in a PINK bunny suit holding a basket of multi-colored eggs that he gave out to random kids in the mall.**

**He's no longer allowed to go to the strip mall in Vegas anymore… Why they were in Vegas, the world will never know.**

**Or maybe it will.**

**We'll see, won't we?**


	9. Prank Gone Wrong

**It was a simple and fairly pointless, stupid, strange prank really. How it got pulled off exactly, no one quite knows.**

**Nor do they really want to.**

**Prank Gone Wrong**

"Ah-ah-ah-ACHOO!" I nearly flew a foot into the air. Edward sat on the couch next to me, holding me down and close to him.

"Are you alright Bella?"

"I'mb fine. Just stuffed ub." He laughed at my obvious discomfort. "Hmbh!" He sighed.

"I'm sorry Bella; it's just a bit amusing to hear you talk when you have a cold."

"For you maybee." I blew my nose on my one the many Kleenex in the room. After clearing a bunch of unwanted mucus out of my system I took a breath and laid back against my own personal undead vampire.

"You should get some sleep."

"I'b probably be able to fall asleep too. You put way too much cough medicine in me." I stuck my tongue out at him.

"So? I want to help." I gave a quick kiss before I spoke back to him.

"Edward, don't you think practically a whole bottle of cough syrup at one time is going a little over board?"

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

I woke up for a few minutes lying in my bed. I sat up and stretched for a minute. I take it Edward carried me up here, but why wasn't he sitting here now like he usually is? I shook my head, still half asleep. I laid back into my pillow, not before I saw a dark figure enter the room.

"Edward?" I spoke quietly, my eyes closed before he could answer.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

I was having a really weird dream. Someone was opening and closing my eyelids. In the end, I think there was something in my eye, but wasn't all that sure now… It was rather uncomfortable.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"Bella? Wake up Bella." A musical voice sounded by my ear. I shook my head in defiance.

"No." He chuckled and leaned in further.

"Bella," He whispered into my ear, his icy breath gave my shivers down my spine. "Bella," He whispered again. He was about an inch or two away from me.

I shot up, shivers still going down my spine. I collided with his head and fell back into my pillow.

"Oh my head!" I pressed one hand against my forehead. "Ow ow ow!" He chuckled and leaned in again when he noticed that I was dozing off.

"I'm up! I'm up!" Edward laughed and sat down on my bed with me, pulling me into his lap.

I opened my bleary eyes. That's when I noticed something was wrong.

"E-Edward?"

"What's wrong Bella?" He tensed, sensing my scared tone.

"Are all the lights of and it's pitch black in my room?" I half whispered to him. He laughed. _Please say yes._

"No. Why Bella?" He turned me to face him.

Silence.

"Because I can't see you."

What happened next wasn't overly fun. Edward was too busy freaking out for me to try to calm him down.

"How can I calm down when you've gone blind?!"

"Well what's wrong with blind people?! Are you saying that you don't care anymore now that I'm blind?!"

"Bella, no, I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that, well, I'm worried about you. Your coordination wasn't the best before and now that you're blind, well."

"I don't know whether to feel appalled or to say thanks. So, okay…"

"What I don't understand is why and how you went blind. It was only a cold."

"I didn't feel any different when I was sick."

"Let's go se if Carlisle can help us. Come on." I fumbled around the room, trying to find him. After about five minutes he laughed and grabbed me from behind and slung me onto his back.

"Oh, no."

"Don't worry Bella, you'll be fine." I nodded meekly and then we were off. The rush of the air made me close my eyes by instinct. I guess _I won't have to do that anymore. _I sighed.

"We're here." He lowered me to the ground slowly, and began to pull me toward the house. When we had made it to the front hall, he stopped and let go of me.

"Stay here for a minute. I'll be right back." He left me standing in the front hall, too afraid to move.

"Hello Bella." I heard someone snicker beside me.

"Rosalie?"

"Yep!"

"Um, hi then?" She laughed again. Footsteps could be heard coming down the stairs.

"Are you sure Edward?" I think that was Carlisle.

"Yes Carlisle. She's blind!" Yep, definitely Carlisle.

I could hear Rosalie shift back and forth with anxiety. Her giggled grew quieter.

"Alright, let's she if she's blind then. Bella?"

Silence.

"Bella?"

"Oh god she's deaf too!"

"What?" I spun around to face the noise. "Sorry, I was just thinking."

"Which apparently you don't do much of." Rosalie snickered next to me. _Why does she have to be so cruel?_

"Anyways, Bella?" I turned my head to the right.

"Yes?"

"Bella, I'm over here." I felt my face flush and I turned me head to the left.

"Where?"

"Right here." I could sense Carlisle in front of me, worried. After a few moments he spoke again.

"You're right." He sounded amazed. "Wait a minute, Edward look, around her irises. What is that?"

"Ugh I can't talk it anymore!" Rosalie burst out laughing. "This is too funny!" She probably fell to the floor laughing. Edward growled at her and came closer to me.

"It looks like…a…a contact!" I froze. I was blind because of some stupid contacts?!

"WHAT?!" I shrieked.

(Edward, Bella, Alice, Jasper, Esme, and even Emmett yell together)

"ROSALIE! How could you?!"

"I'm sorry…sort of. I just couldn't help myself!"

The Cullens began to bicker about her little prank while I just stood there.

"Okay! You had you're laugh. Hardy har har. Whoop dee doo! Now, if you'd be so kind. GET THEM OUT OF MY EYES!"

That was the one prank I somehow never really got to live down, Rosalie still laughs every time I say I can't see something. Pfft. We'll see who gets the last laugh Rosalie. Oh we'll see.

* * *

**Oh joy another chapter. What'd you think of the prank? It was mean (and fairly stupid/pointless), but can't you picture Edward freaking out? I know I can.**

**Oh how her coordination would suffer more so...**


	10. Mixed Up, Matched Up

**Ya'll ready for some random, weird and just plain stupid chapter? No? TOO BAD! If this is too stupid and random for ya, then just skip over it. The next chapter will be up soon!  
No, honestly. This chapter has absolutely no point, and has no reason for existence. Too bad it's already posted here. **

**This is the last time Emmett picks the game they play…**

**Mixed Up, Matched Up  
**and just plain confusing

Emmett came bounding into the room. Yes, bounding. It's scary to watch. It burns. Just not as much as watching him dance to _Temperature_.

"Who wants to play a little game?"

"Sure." (Bella)

"Okay!" (Yours truly!)

"Why not?" (Carlisle)

"No." (Rosalie)

"That depends." (Edward)

"HECK NO!!" (Jasper)

"Jasper! Language!" Esme looked at him sternly before turning to face Emmett. "What's your little game?" She said while smiling. Emmett grinned and rubbed his hands together evilly. Bella and I stood, slowly inching our way to the door.

"You're not going anywhere!" He pointed at both of us. "Sit." Bella gulped and sat down next to Edward as I made my way over to my still sour husband. (It's a picture Jazzy! Get over it!)

"The game Emmett?" Edward prodded. Emmett just stood there. I wasn't sure what to think of this.

"Oh yeah! I'll be right back." With that, he dashed out of the room. Bella began to shake next to Edward, if the temperature in the room was below zero. The again, she _was _sitting right next to Edward, and his body temperature wasn't that warm...

"Bella? What's wrong?" I asked, giving to poor human girl a worried look.

"I'm….scared……I mean, it's Emmett. Aren't you afraid?" She whispered, as if Emmett would pop out of the couch cushion beneath her. (He has once before, and the poor girl would have peed herself had she not used the bathroom facilities prior to sitting on the couch.)

"Yes." Everyone in the room chorused together. Who isn't afraid of Emmett and his games?

"Here we go!" Emmett had reappeared into the room with hats in his hands. He walked over to Esme. "Reach in a take a name! One per person!"

Reluctantly, Esme reached into the hat, pulling out a single slip of paper. She unfolded it and read whatever was written on it out loud, giving it a brow-furrowing look as she did so.

"Jasper?" We all looked up at Emmett as he walked toward his wife, his mouth in a hard line as he tried not to laugh.

Rosalie rolled her eyes and drew a name "Carlisle."

Emmett continued his little routine, finally stopping at Bella and I. I pulled out at "Edward" which could only mean…

"Emmett." Bella spoke quietly. We all looked up at Emmett.

"So what's the point of this?" I asked him. He snickered and put the hat down.

"Say hello to your new husbands!"

What the h-e-double toothpicks? This was his game? Assigning us a new husband? I shot a quick glance at Bella, who was mortified. _I feel so bad for you Bella!_

"What. The. He- eck." Edward said as he sat there, catching himself before he swore, getting an approving glance from Esme. He and Rosalie glared at Emmett who merely shrugged.

Everything stopped for a minute when I had a vision. It was short, but I think it was worth it.

_Bella swung a bat at Emmett's head. He staggered and ran. The bat she was holding in her hands was cracked._

"_I need a new bat!" She yelled._

The living room came back into focus. Most of my family stared at me, waiting for an explanation. I shook my head, trying to get rid of my evil smile. I also blocked the memory from Edward; he just has to wait like the rest of us!

Bella cracked one of her knuckles and narrowed her eyes at Emmett. She stood up and smiled.

"Hey Alice? Can you get me a bat?" Emmett perked up.

"Are we playing baseball?" Her smile widened.

"I guess you could call it that." Now that I knew what she meant, I smiled and ran out of the room.

When I came back into the room, nothing had changed much. Most of my family was still glaring at Emmett who had a goofy grin on his face.

"Here you go Bella." She reached and took the bat, never taking her eyes off of Emmett. I think I saw her wink at me. I laughed quietly, receiving a couple nervous glances from my family.

"Thank you Alice. So are you ready to play Emmett?"

"Wha-" He didn't have time to finish. Bella swung the bat, she would have hit him to if he didn't move. He ran out of the room at human speed with Bella on his heels.

The sound of aluminum hitting marble echoed through the first floor, followed by a sudden,

"I need a new bat!" I bolted out of the room, smiling deviously, now part of the greater scheme of things.

"I want to play too!" I cackled, yes _I_ cackled!

Soon my whole family joined, even Esme and Carlisle. We may have gone through a lot of bats, but it was worth it in the end.

Emmett is no longer allowed to pick out the games that we play anymore. Ever.

And I still didn't understand the point of the game. I don't think anyone did.

* * *

**I don't even understand the game, and I was the one who came up with it. What does that say about me?**

**Wow, that has to be one of the stupidest chapters so far. Oh well. That's Emmett for ya. I guess. **

**The next chapter is funny. (Well I think it is.)**


	11. Bella Strikes Again!

**Thanks to ****fairbeauti**** for the idea, I sure owe ya one!**

**Semi-Sequel to "Jasper's Embarrassing Photo". Bella finds something of Edward's and he isn't all that happy about it…**

**Bella Strikes Again**

(Rosalie's PoV)

I swear I'm going to shoot my husband for that stupid, moronic, and idiotic game. I'll have Alice help me with my revenge.

I continued my short walk down the hall until I came to Alice's room.

Make-up -and revenge- here we come!

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

(Bella's PoV)

I was busy helping Edward organize his CDs. _Again. _I swear that boy needs a hobby. There's at least a couple hundred. And that's just ONE shelf.

_How does he fit all of these onto one shelf?!_

I looked at the wall of music before me. This would take awhile.

I took a quick glance over at Edward and saw him re-reading the back of a CD for the tenth time in the past five minutes. He noticed me watching him and smirked at me.

"Having fun are we?" He said jokingly.

"Oh, _loads_." I smiled back at him. "I love how you trust the klutz with your extensive collection of CDs. Any of which could fall to the floor at any minute and the cases could crack." I smirked at his expression.

"W-what? Bella you wouldn't." I laughed at him.

"Of course not!" He shook his head, laughing. "But why wouldn't I?" I laughed again.

You should have seen his face.

0o0o0(An hour or 2 later)0o0o0

We had quite the collection on the floor. Edward was busy separating Debussy, Bach, and what not into different piles. I stood to the side, not wanting to mess this up.

I turned around to check the shelves to see if there were any CDs we had missed.

That's when I saw it.

_Oh you have got to be kidding me._

There was a CD wedged between the shelf and the back of the bookcase. I pulled it out slowly and read the Album cover.

_Oh. My. God._

I began to shake with silent laughter, praying that Edward didn't notice. _This was too funny._

Edward had a…...a……A _SPICE GIRLS_ CD!!!!!

I couldn't help it; I began to burst out laughing.

"Bella?" I froze.

_Oh crud!_

"Bella?" He said my name again, making his way over to me. _Oh my god oh my god oh my god! What am I supposed to do?! _He put his hand on my shoulder and spun me around slowly. "Bel-" His eyes widened in horror when he saw what I had in my hands.

He reached for it, his eyes still wide. I did the only thing I could at the moment; ironically I've already done it once today.

I put the CD down the front of my shirt.

"Bella no!" He froze, his hand suspended in mid-air. I smiled and cocked my head to the side.

"What's the matter Edward?" He sighed in defeat; I smiled smugly, thinking I'd won. That's when his hand began to move toward me again. Toward my shirt to be exact. Today's words replayed in my head.

'_You heard me Edward. It's my picture. It's your girlfriend's shirt. You do the math.'_

_Oh no. He wouldn't. _

He would.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

(Esme's PoV)

I sat on my knees, working in my garden. It's so peaceful here; the flowers were so bright and beautiful. I patted the dirt firmly around a newly planted flower. _I hope this one lasts, I'm sorry to say that that's the last time he helps me in my garden. _

I let my thoughts wander to different memories of my garden.

Carlisle had sat in the dirt next to me, smiling at me as he helped me secure a bleeding heart in the ground. Later that day that plant died. **_(Type of flower. But I'm sure that most of you already knew that.)_**

Forget green thumb, my husband has a thumb of death.

"Sorry sweetie!" I murmured to no one in particular. I heard a scream and looked up, startled.

What happened next I can't explain.

The sound of glass shattering was followed by a scream of rage. _Emmett must have angered Rosalie again. _I thought to myself.

A blur fell from above me, landing in a nearby shrub.

"EDWARD! What on earth?!" I shrieked at my son who lay in the now destroyed bush, dazed. He groaned and rolled off of it, destroying it further. I sighed, still watching my son and my ruined shrub.

"What'd you do this time?" He got up and brushed dirt off of his shirt and jeans.

"_I _didn't do anything." He spoke through his teeth.

"YES YOU DID!" Bella stuck her angry head out of the broken window, blushing when she saw me. "Sorry Esme!" She called down, her face reddening by the minute.

"Edward. What happened?" He looked at me, his face somewhat remorseful.

"She found the _Spice Girls_ CD." I then bit the inside of my cheek, trying not to laugh.

"And she found this how?" He shrugged, still angry from being pushed out the window.

"She was helping me organize my CDs." I shook my head and went back to my plants.

"Again? That's the third time this week." My son shrugged again, lightening up. He turned to walk away, still fuming.

"Edward?"

"Yes mom?"

"You owe me a new shrub!" He nodded and walked away sheepishly. I bit my lip, not sure I should say anything or not.

"Oh, and um, Edward dear?"

"Yes Esme?" He called back, turning around. His forehead creased. "Is there something wrong?" I nodded slowly, preparing myself for what I was about to say.

"I'd like my CD back. And the thorns tore a hole in the back of your pants."

* * *

**Ah poor Edward. If it wasn't enough to be pushed out a window by his girlfriend -who, by the way, is exponentially weaker than he is- he also landed in Esme's garden. Not only is he embarassed at being caught hanging onto Esme's CD, but there is now a gaping hole in the seat of his pants.**

**Or maybe the CD was planted there. We may never know.**


	12. The Evil Dare

**Anybody want more Jasper?? Well read this and get your fill of Jasper-ness! He doesn't have a huge part, but this is all his fault. It's his revenge for the picture.**

**The Evil Dare  
**(or Jasper's Revenge)

(Bella's PoV)

Okay, it's official. I hate Jasper! I can't believe him! All because out some stupid picture! It's not my fault it's funny! And embarrassing! This is all because I hid it in my shirt isn't it? Dang it, that's the last time I help Alice and Emmett hide something of Japer's!

Edward and Emmett sat in the living room watching a football game, bickering about who was the better team. I sent one last look at Jasper.

"Do I have to?" I whined slightly.

"Yes. It'll teach you not to mess with me!" I glared at him and entered the room, taking a deep breath.

"I hate you Jasper." I muttered.

"I love you too Bella." I smacked his arm and left the front hall to sit with Edward and Emmett.

_I am going to kill Jasper. I'm going to make it slow and painful. Just give me a match._

Edward looked up at me and smiled before turning back to the TV.

I plopped down between the two brothers and took a deep breath. Edward went to wrap his arm around when out of the corner of my eye I saw Jasper shake his head, smiling. I glared at him and inched away from Edward, receiving a look of confusion. 'Sorry' I mouthed to him.

_I CANNOT BELIEVE I'M DOING THIS!_

I sat there for a few minutes until Jasper coughed; an evil gleam in his eye. I narrowed my eyes at his and turned back to the TV. I took another deep breath.

"I love you Emmett."

Edward and Emmett froze. Edward's expression looked hurt, saddened and angry. _Stupid Jasper!_

At the same exact time, both of the Cullen brothers turned to look at me wide eyed.

_God I hate you Jasper!_

"W-What?" They both stammered at the same time. _Oh forget the match! Get me a blow torch!_

"It's true. I never loved Edward. I only loved Emmett." Rosalie had now come into the room to sit next to her husband.

_Oh crap! _

I sent Jasper one last pleading look. He merely shook his end.

_The blow torch is out. I want a bunch of kerosene a lighter!!_

The voice in my head laughed like a maniac again.

Edward stared at me in disbelief. "W-what Bella?"

"I love Emmett." Rosalie was glaring daggers at me, Emmett was inching away from me and Edward sat next to me, looking hurt.

"Right." Emmett was scared, he was on the very edge of the couch, and Rosalie had sat between me and him, ready to kill me. _Jasper is a dead man._

"No seriously. You were the first one I saw on my first day of school here. It was love at first sight." _Jasper, I will kill you. You will die, and I'll laugh._

Next to me, Rosalie growled, ready to break my neck. Emmett stood and got ready to run, watching me with wide eyes. Edward had turned away from me, watching the TV with mock interest.

_I'm so sorry Edward! I'll kill Jasper for you! _

I stood and made my way over to Emmett. I mouthed one word to him. 'Sorry'. He had backed away, about to run. I gave him a quick hug, only to be tackled by Rosalie.

She had me pinned to the floor. I froze, looking for Jasper. This was going too far! It had to end now! I couldn't find him. Emmett had run out of the room and Edward had pounced on his sister, knocking her off of me. She had a small smile on her face.

I think I even saw her wink at me.

_Okay……I'm confused now._

Suddenly, I felt all giddy inside. Like I had to hug someone. I began to just sit there and cackle as Edward and Rosalie stopped fighting to watch me. Suddenly I was all sad, and I began to cry. Then I was happy again.

_JASPER YOU ARE DEAD NOW!_

When I'd finally had enough, I stood and stomped one of my feet. Edward and Rosalie sat there, watching me with wide eyes.

"ALICE!" I yelled for her. In an instant she was right next to me, in all her pixie like glory.

"Yes Bella?" One of her eyebrows rose at me in question.

"Do you have a shotgun or a flamethrower that I can borrow?" Rosalie and Edward immediately leapt up, slowly making their way over to me.

"What? Why?" Jasper was standing in the archway leading to the living room. A smile spread across his face as I glared at him.

"Let's see if we can get blood from stone."

His smile immediately faded and he stammered at me.

"W-What? Why?" I continued to glare at him.

"You know why. Has anyone ever slapped you? 'Cause I will!" He and the rest of the vampires in the room blinked, shocked. "Have I ever mentioned that I hate you?" He flashed a coy smile at me.

"You may have." Edward froze and glared at his brother.

"JASPER!!! What the-!?" Jasper shrugged as Edward stood there, seething and sputtering.

"I got my revenge. What can I say?"

"HEY! IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT YOUR WIFE AND HER BROTHER FOUND THAT PICTURE!! IF IT'S ANYONES FAULT IT'S YOURS!" I was ready to kill. He stood there, terrified.

_Good._

_Mwahahahaha! Bring out the torches!_

_Shut up stupid little evil voice in my head!!!_

_Hmph!_

Rosalie and Alice snickered before Alice turned to face me.

"Hey! Leave me out of this!" Jasper darted out of the room, followed by Edward, Alice, and Emmett.

After a few minutes, he ran back into the room and stopped behind me. He held one of my arms behind my back.

_Ow, that's gonna hurt in the morning!_

"What are you trying to do?! Break my arm?!"

"No, just trying to get them to stop." A couple of blurs went by. After about 5 minutes, Emmett finally stopped in the archway, causing Rosalie, Edward, and Alice to bump into him. When Edward noticed that Jasper was holding my arm, he snarled, ready to pounce.

Rosalie walked up to her brother, her eyes narrowed. She growled at Jasper who smiled smugly.

"And you said she wouldn't do it!" He said proudly, holding out his free hand. Rosalie snarled and reached into her pocket.

"You were in on this the whole time?!" I screeched at her, causing her to flinch.

"Uh-huh." I was beyond angry now. _Someone's gonna die today!! Who? I'll give you a hint. His name starts with a 'J' and ends in 'asper'. Give up?_

"JASPER!" Esme stood behind her kids, her hands on her hips. Oh she's mad now! She had just come down from Edward's room, so there was some plaster or something stuck in her hair. _**(She had to fix part of Edward's window. For that story read Ch. 11: Bella Strikes Again.)**_

Furious, I spun around, wrenching my arm loose from his grip. I glared at him and kicked him with all my might.

Right between the legs.

In shock, he fell over, leaving the rest of his family gaping at me.

I kneeled down next to him and whispered in his ear.

"Teach you not to mess with me!" I get up and walked out of the room.

(No one's PoV)

Jasper lay there on the floor in shock. Rosalie crouched down next to him and put a twenty on the floor next to him.

"Here's that 20 bucks. Now go buy yourself a hobby."

* * *

**Aw poor Jasper! Why didn't he try to get his revenge on Alice and Emmett? That's a good question…… Anyways, sorry if I was too mean to Jasper, you have to admit, Bella was pretty bold in her action to get back at him. (Kicking him in between the legs. Ouch!)**

**Oh the joys of being mean to people... Sigh...**


	13. Kate's Convo with Jasper!

**Alright, so some people -namely Jasper- have become a bit perturbed that I keep on picking on the poor sucker. Sorry, I guess.  
This is basically me talking to Jasper... in my head. Out loud.**

**Of course, he then decided that he would like to speak with me in some parallel five-dimensional universe, so who was I to say no?**

**Jasper Meets the Author**

K the Author: _-gets up off the ground in a daze-_ Hey, isn't that Jasper? _-peers into the distance-_ OH MY GOD IT IS! _-begins to panic, unsure of what to do-_

Jasper: Where am I?! Who are you?!

K the Author: Nun ya.

Jasper: Nun ya?

K the Author: Nun ya business!

Jasper: _-glares-_ Okay, it's official, you're stupid.

K the Author: You're rude! Besides, you barely know me! How can you say those kinds of things?! _-begins to sob and get mad, and sad, and sob some more-_

Jasper: Okay, okay! Calm down!

K he Author: What if I don't want to?!

Jasper: _-gulp-_ Um, well…

K the Author: If it'll make you happy then fine! I will! _–begins to sing '_If it Makes You Happy'_-_

Jasper: _-cringes-_ Do you _have_ to sing?

K the Author: No, but I want to. Is that a problem?

Jasper: Yeah.

K the Author: Well that's just too bad isn't it?

Jasper: Watch your mouth. If Esme was here you'd be dead by now.

K the Author: Not really, Esme wouldn't kill me. She the 'mother' in the family.

Jasper: Okay…

K the Author: And Carlisle's the 'father'. Rosalie and Alice are the 'daughters'. Edward's the 'son' and Em-

Jasper: What about me and Emmett?

K the Author: Emmett's the dog.

Jasper: What about me?

K the Author: You're the canary.

Jasper: The canary?!

K the Author: Fine, you can be the goldfish.

Jasper: _-pouts-_

K the Author: Random war veteran uncle with nothing better to do than make fart jokes and mutter on and on about on 'back in his day...'?

Jasper: _-looks depressed-_

K the Author: The grandfather?

Jasper: -glares again- Are you calling me old?

K the Author: You _are _about 200 years old…… But you can be the well behaved good son. The rich son. The _hot_ son, if that's enough for you.

Jasper: -eyes grow wide and looks scared- GET ME OUT OF HERE!

K the Author: What? Do you _want_ me to call you the ugly son that no one loves?

Jasper: What?! No!

K the Author: THEN LIVE WITH THE FACT THAT YOU'RE THE HOT SON!! (Along with Edward……and everyone loves Emmett…)

Jasper: What's the point of this conversation?

K the Author: _-scratches head-_ I don't really know. Besides, you're the one who called this meeting to order, not me.

Jasper: What's wrong?

K the Author: _-begins to mutter to self-_

Jasper: I'd slap you right now but then I'd have to kill you.

K the Author: _-freezes-_ Why would you have to kill me?

Jasper: _-sighs-_ Because then there'd be blood everywhere. Then I'd lose control.

K the Author: From a simple slap?

Jasper: Uh, never mind.

K the Author: Okie-Dokie then. –starts to babble about the Cullens and how vampires are so cool-

Jasper: wait, how do you know we're vampires?

K the Author: I have my ways. And I practically am one already, so there.

Jasper: Um……

K the Author: _-hisses and growls in vampiric manner-_

Jasper: Erm...

K the Author: Just like I know about your Pink Bunny picture.

Jasper: That was a- Wait, a minute. That was you?! You were the one who wrote that story?!

K the Author: Um, well, duh. Don't you see my name? _-points at name tag reading: 'K the Author'-_

Jasper Grr. –gets ready to pounce-

K the Author: You touch me and it'll be the last thing you ever do Jasper Whitlock Hale!!!

Jasper: Uh…

K the Author: Now that that's settled-

(A voice booms over a loud speaker, presumably Alice's.)

_APOLOGIZE TO HIM RIGHT NOW!!_

Jasper: -looks around- Who was that? Why didn't they come out?

K the Author: Because she's ugly. I don't know. _-dodges frying pan-_ I'm KIDDING! GEEZ! She's your wife. You tell me.

Jasper: Uh-huh.

K the Author: Look, I'm here to say that I'm sorry for picking on you in my stories. I promise you that you'll be the star in my next chapter and we'll find some one else to pick on. Any suggestions?

Jasper: When you say sorry……Yeah, there's someone I want revenge on if that's what you mean.

K the Author: Bingo.

Jasper: Dang. You can actually beawesome!

K the Author: -smiles proudly- Don't you know it! _–strikes a pose and falls over-_ Oof!

Jasper: ...Oh.

K the Author: _-gets back off of the ground, trying to retain so pride-_ So here's the deal. I write a story about your revenge against Alice and Emmett-

Jasper: Why them? It's Bella who kicked me-

K the Author: But the picture isn't her fault. Emmett and Alice are the ones who found it.

Jasper: But she's the one who put it down her shirt.

K the Author: Yeah, 'cause Alice pretty much told her to. So anyways, Bella's going to help you get revenge on Emmett and Alice. She's going to apologize for kicking you too.

Jasper: Keep going.

K the Author: Remember, you came up with the dare that caused her to kick you. But moving on. You and Bella get your revenge on those other two.

Jasper: Why is she getting revenge on them?

K the Author: _-pulls out paper and begins writing on it- _Alice: One word: Makeovers. And because of the whole beverage thing. Emmett too, also because of that stupid game he came up with.

Jasper: So what's the plan?

K the Author: First you'll have to- Hey wait a minute!

Jasper: What?

K the Author: _-points at readers-_ I can't write it here! They'll see! And it'll ruin it!

Jasper: Good point.

K the Author: So you'll have to make them go away for me.

Jasper And just how do I do that?

K the Author: I don't know. You're the 200 year old vampire, you come up with something.

Jasper: What am I supposed to do?

K the Author: I already said I don't know!

Jasper: I could kill you, right here, right now.

K the Author: No! Now shut up and sit down so we can start plotting revenge!

Jasper: Oh the joy I feel right now…

K the Author: What was that?

Jasper: Oh the joy! It's authentic, I swear!

Kate: That's what I thought! _–sits with Jasper to plot revenge-_

* * *

**Yes, the heart warming fuzzy feeling of discussing revenge with fictional people. An act of pure boredom, or a desperate cry for help?**

**-K the Author (just because, I felt like being different...)**


	14. Ice Breaker SOURS!

**Holy cannoli this is chapter 14! And this is my longest story ever so far!! Woot woot! Besides, who cares that 'Love and Memories' and 'Dominoes' aren't being worked on?**

**Bella's quite OOC and Charlie may be too. But doesn't that just make it all the more fun?**

**Ice Breaker SOURS!**

(Bella's PoV)

Hehehe! My dad rocks! I love him so much now! But why's he sitting as far away as possible? Why does he look scared?

_Bah, who cares? As long as I have these…_

I snickered and took out another one, plopping it into my mouth. My lips puckered up for a second and then returned to normal.

Then I ate another one.

"Bella?" My dad whispered my name; he was watching me with wide eyes.

"Yeah dad?"

"Are you okay?"

"Never better!" I threw me head back and laughed. If anyone asked, the evil voice in my head told me to do it! Which, ironically, it did.

"If you say so," I rolled my eyes and popped another into my mouth.

"What's wrong dad?"

"N-Nothing. You just seem to be……enjoying…those…" I looked down at the container in my lap.

"Uh-huh?"

"C-Can I try one?" My eyes grew wide and stared at him.

"NEVER! –hiss- MINE! -hiss-" I held them in my hands and glared at my dad, scaring the crap out of him. "MY ICE BREAKER SOURS!"

He continued to watch me with wide eyes. He was also shaking.

"-gulp- O…...k……a……y……" I grinned and went back to eating my Ice Breaker Sours.

We sat like that for another half an hour to an hour, me staring out the window eating Ice Breaker Sours, and him glancing between the TV and me.

(Charlie's PoV)

_Oh my god. How could I?_ I simply bought two things of Ice Breaker Sours at work, gave one to Bella, and assumed I'd get the other one. I guess not. All I can say now is,

_What, have I done?_

Have I just gotten my only daughter sugar high?

I'm…………………………afraid……………………

Now I sit here, watching my daughter devour a whole thing of the Sours. Oh great, now she's onto the second one!

(Bella's PoV)

Whew! That last one was really sour! Gee, I wonder why! What's this? I looked down at the label. Oh, right!

"HA!"

"What was that Bella?"

"Huh? Oh, uh, nothing!" I watched him like a hawk. I know he wants one, but he'll never get them! NEVER!

Bored, I took a small hand full and put them all into my mouth at the same time.

_Note to self: Never put a small handful of Ice Breaker Sours into your mouth at one time. They're very sour!_

I choked on one of them, clutching my throat with my hands. Seeing this, my dad rushed over, wrapped his arms around my stomach, and gave me the Heimlich maneuver.

I ended up spitting out two or three of my Sours. _Noooo!!_

Fuming from the loss of my Sours, I sat back down on the couch. I reached over to grab another Ice Breaker, seeing as how all of the other ones in my mouth were now gone, only to find one left.

_Huh. That's funny. I swear I had at least three or four left._

Shaking my head, I looked over at my father, who was sitting in his chair watching the TV.

_Wait a minute!_ His lips were puckered and his cheeks were sucked in. **_(Just make a face like you were eating something sour and you'll see what I mean, I think.)_**

_Hey!_ He stole some of my Ice Breaker Sours!!

_This means war!!_

I took a nearby pillow and chucked it at his head. When it hit him, I looked away innocently as he turned his head to look at me, bemused.

He took the same pillow and threw it at me. I threw it back at him and this went on for a while.

0o0o0o0o0(20 Minutes Later)o0o0o0o0o0

I fell back onto the couch, exhausted, but still grinning from ear to ear. Charlie sat back down into his chair, smiling my favorite crinkle-eyed smile.

_Note to self: When having a pillow fight with Charlie, hitting a lamp may cause it to fall to the floor, causing a small fire that should be put with something other than the pillow it was knocked down with._

I sat back up and smiled at my dad. "Well that was fun." I laughed and lay back down on the couch.

"Yeah, but I think we learned one important thing tonight." My eyebrows knit together and I propped myself up to look at him.

"What would that be?" His smile faltered a bit before he answered.

"We never buy you Ice Breaker Sours again."

* * *

**Okay, so that's that chapter. What can I say? I like Ice Breaker Sours! They're good! And some of them aren't too sour, 'cause those ones are mostly sweet. Anyways, thanks for reading and remember to review! **


	15. Jasper's REAL Revenge, sort of

**Jasper's REAL Revenge, sort of**

**Dun dun duh duna dun duh!****Feelin' alright sings the rest of the song. Oh. Aw crap, you're here. No I don't mean it that way! I love you guys! you all rock! I was just singing that song and yeah…… So I kind of promised Jasper that I'd-**

**Jasper: KIND OF?! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO HELP ME GET MY REVENGE IN THE **_**LAST**_** CHAPTER!! BUT **_**NO**_** YOU HAD TO GET BELLA HYPER!**

**But I-**

**Jasper: NO! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!**

**B-but…-begins to cry-**

**Edward: Smooth Jasper, real smooth.**

**Jasper: Oh shut up! –glares at me-**

**-still sits there crying and hiccupping-**

**Edward: Now you'll never get your revenge.**

**Jasper: DA-**

**Esme: JASPER!**

**Edward: How did Esme get here?**

**Rosalie: Wouldn't you like to know.**

**Alice: I mean honestly Edward.**

**Edward: What is this? Attack of Jasper and Edward's family?**

**Alice: Right, anyways… -looks back and forth between Jasper and I- Jasper? What'd you do this time?**

**Jasper: IT WASN'T ME!! (Haha, quote from Kirs's story ****Attack of the Killer Bunnies**

**Emmett: Of course it wasn't.**

**Esme: Now now…**

**Carlisle: This isn't Jerry Springer…**

**Jasper: What's this? Everyone gang up on Jasper month? I mean come on! First the picture, then Bella kicks me, then this crazy person orders me to give out hugs…**

**I AM NOT CRAZY JASPER WHITLOCK HALE. QUIT BEING SO MEAN OR I WILL WHUP YOUR SCRAWNY PALE BE-HIND.**

**Edward, Alice, Rosalie, Esme, Emmett, Carlisle, and some random passerby: O.O **

**Jasper: -gulp-**

**Now there. Stop being so mean or you will never and I mean NEVER get your revenge!!! Get it? Got it. Good.**

**Jasper: I got it.**

**Now sorry about that- -looks at the rest of the Cullens- how'd then get here?**

**Jasper: I don't know. How did I?**

**You came here to get your revenge remember?**

**Jasper: Oh yeah.**

**Are their faces stuck like that now or somthin'?**

**Jasper: I dunno.**

**Okay.**

**Jasper: I thought this chapter was supposed to be my revenge?**

**It was, but right now I don't think that we'll ever get to your revenge.**

**Jasper: Great, just great.**

**Don't be like that. I promise you'll get your revenge soon, just let me work out all the kinks and spell check it.**

**Jasper: And by 'soon' you mean eventually, and by 'work out the kinks' you mean write it out? **

**Yeah, pretty much.**

**Jasper: Lazy bum.**

**I will not sit here and be ridiculed! Do you still want your revenge?**

**Jasper: -sigh- Yes, yes I do.**

**Then please stop being so mean and rude. I'm sorry that I was mean before.**

**Jasper: Yeah? Well then I forgive you.**

**Ahem.**

**Jasper: Huh?**

**A-HEM.**

**Jasper: Oh right, and I'm sorry that I was mean to you too.**

**And now we plot……**

**----------------**

**So much for Jazzy's revenge huh? **

**-Will he ever get his revenge?**

**-What does Kate have planned?**

**-Does Jasper really forgive Kate?**

**-Will Edward change Bella?**

**-Will Bella marry Edward?**

**-Why does Emmett smell like old socks?**

**-Will Bella ever enjoy shopping?**

**-Will Jasper kill us?**

**-Why is Bella helping him?**

**-And lastly, why oh why is Jasper mad at us?!**

**-stares at list- And you let Emmett and Alice write the list why?**

**Jasper: She's my wife, she makes threats, you do the math.**

**Is that your new trademark quote or something?**

**Jasper: That depends, you won't stop writing it.**

_**It's my computer, my story, I have the keyboard, you do the math.**_** Ha, this is fun!**

**Jasper: Oh great. Now you can stop.**

_**My pencil, my paper, you do the math.**_

**Jasper: You know, you can stop ANY time.**

**I know, but it's fun.**

**Jasper: Correction, it **_**was**_**. Now it's just annoying.**

**Yeah, it kind of is…**

**Jasper: Kind of?**

**Fine, it IS annoying.**

**Japer: That's better.**

**Now we have to quit rambling and give out those hu-**

**Jasper: WHAT?! THIS WASN'T EVEN A REAL CHAPTER.**

**I have a hot poker. Don't make me use it.**

**Jasper: -grumbles- Alright, fine, you got me. So who's giving out the hugs this time?**

**Giving out hugs today is….**

**-DRUM ROLL-**

**JACOB!!**

**Jacob slowly comes through the door with torn clothes-**

**-silence-**

**-crickets-**

**-someone "Boo's"-**

**Jacob: Is this the bathroom?**

**Oh you have got to be kidding me. There's a bed, a computer, a dresser, and some dust bunnies in the corner. Does it look like a bathroom to you?**

**Jasper: Why wouldn't it? Your dog seems to think that.**

**No he doesn't. He doesn't come in my room.**

**Jasper: I rest my case.**

**Um, ok. Here's the people (well, person) getting a hug from Jake.**

………………………**A Frozen Touch.**

**Jacob: That's it? No one else loves me???**

**Edward, Jasper, Emmett, Alice, and Rosalie: -snicker-**

**Aw that's not true! Bella loves you! –receives glares from the above Cullens- Well, like a brother anyways. –leaps up from chair and almost falls over- But don't worry! I still love you!**

**Jacob: -backs away slowly- Oh god.**

**-frying pan flies out of the air and smacks Kate in the head-**

**OW!**

**Kir's voice: Don't you dare say that ever again!**

**What? Ow?**

**Kirs's voice: -sigh- And we thought Emmett was stupid.**

**Emmett: HEY!**

**Oh… So you don't want me to tell Jacob that I love him?**

**Kirs's voice: Duh. And we thought Emmett was slow.**

**-10 minutes later-**

**Emmett: I AM NOT SLOW!**

**Anyways, its okay Jacob, don't cry. –hugs Jacob-**

**Jacob: -sob-**

**Why are you crying?**

**Jacob: IT BURNS!**

**Gee, thanks. –goes to pull back from hug- What the-? I'm stuck. But….EEEEEEEMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**Emmett: HAHAHAHAHAHA –continues laughing evilly-**

**YOU. ARE. SO. DEAD.**

**Emmett: You can't kill me! Nyah!**

**Whatever. I don't want to be super glued to a half naked guy!**

**Jacob: I am not naked!**

**HALF naked Jacob, HALF.**

**Jacob: But I'm not even half…**

**-sigh- So the real person giving out hugs is….**

**-DRUM ROLL No. 2-**

**Um… some Cullen guy….**

**Some Cullen guy: Hey! I have a name! It's E-**

**Oh yes! Now…**

**-DRUM ROLL No. 3-**

**EMMETT CULLEN!!!**

**-Emmett bursts through the wall right next to the door-**

**Emmett: I AM HERE!**

**Y'know…You could have just used the door……and not have made my mom mad at me…And weren't you just in here 5 seconds ago?**

**Emmett: So?**

**-sigh- Anyways, here are our lucky hug receivers!!!**

**-Ashes123-, A Frozen Touch, RebelAngel2011, Llama Llama Duck, twilight782, Awesa-mazin-licious, A Big Confusion, Twii, Zazzle, paypay07, Midnite Hell, magicmehome, Pyromaniac-Girl, Oceanmina101, koalagirl3, Ginormous Funtastic Everything, and all of my other reviewers.**

**Emmett: Um, I have to go do the thing…so yeah…**

**Emmett……….**

**Emmett: Ok ok!**

**Well, hopefully you had as much fun reading that as I had writing it. I'm sorry I haven't updated in a long time, I've just been busy.**

**SO hopefully you enjoyed that, even if it wasn't a real chapter.**


	16. Emmett the Hulk and Alice the Pixie

**Okay, so Jasper's getting **_**really**_** mad, Alice's getting **_**really**_** annoyed, Bella's getting **_**really**_** bored, and Emmett's still **_**really**_** Emmett, so I have to write Jasper's revenge. This chapter will probably be really long, so get comfortable.**

**Wow, Jasper's not even talking to anyone. Jasper?**

**...**

**Emmett the Hulk and Alice the Pixie**

**Funny, I almost wrote Emmett the Elf…er, anyways…**

**

* * *

**

(Jasper's PoV)

"Are you sure about this Bella?" I gazed at her with confusion. "Do you think we can really pull this off? I mean, I think we can."

Bella looked up from the many papers- our plans- set out in front of her and shook her head at me.

"Jasper, Jasper, Jasper….It's not enough to think, you have to _know_."

I laughed. "Sure, sure. I pretty sure I _know _we can pull this off." She smiled back and turned back to the plans.

"That's what I thought."

"Alright then, do we have everything planned?" I knelt down next to her to watch what she was bent over, when she turned to face me, she almost scared me more than Alice usually scares people. And Alice scares _a lot_ of people….

"So here's the plan."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

_I love this human. Crap, he probably heard that. Wait, oops! No, no! I don't love this human! No! Edward does! Wonderful, now I feel rage from Edward. Well he should know by now that Emmett loves Bella too, like a sister, so that's how I love her._

_That's kind of confusing._

At that moment Edward walked by and narrowed his eyes at me.

"You can say that again."

"Ah Edward…..just the vamp I needed to talk to." He looked at me skeptically and back away.

"Nothing good can come from this."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

(Bella's PoV)

So for my part of the plan, I had to find Rosalie. _Why would she help us? She hates me._

I continued down the hall toward Rosalie and Emmett's room. I paused before one of the many white doors donning the hall.

_This is the door to their room……………right?_

I reached for the knob and opened the door.

The bathroom.

_Yeah, that's probably not their bedroom._

I walked to the next door and opened it.

Alice and Jasper's room.

I smiled one of Alice's evil smiles. That's for the second part of the plan…..

_Mwahahahahahahahahaha-_

_Oh my god you stupid voice! I thought the shock therapy got rid of you!_

_Shock therapy did nothing, except shock you. Shockingly._

_Ya think? __**Shock**__ therapy? __**SHOCK.**_

_Mm-hm._

_Will you just shut up?! I don't want a voice in my head anymore! I have to help Jasper with his revenge!_

_I will not be silenced!_

_SHUT. UP._

…_._

_Finally…_

Now back on task, I gently closed the door, snickering.

Time for door Number 3!

I approached it slowly, trying not to make too much noise.

When I opened it I saw something I really did _**not**_ want to see.

"C-Carlisle? E-Esme?" Both of them turned to face me, shocked.

"Oh! Bella!" Esme smiled at me and quickly hid whatever they were looking at behind my back. **(Wait, you weren't think something else were you? Let's hope not!)**

I gulped. "Is that….Is that what I think it is?" Esme sighed with defeat and stepped to the side.

"Yes, I think it is."

"Did you guys burn something or what?" Carlisle looked at me with remorse as Esme raised an eyebrow at me, trying not to laugh.

"No dear, it's a…….Well…." She began to shift back and forth, clearly uncomfortable. She soon turned to face Carlisle, who was looking down at whatever the _thing_ was.

"It's, well, it _was_…..one of Esme's plants that I………." He looked up at me and smiled slightly. "…..Killed?"

I bit the inside of my cheek, trying not to smile.

"Oh yeah, in that case, okay…." I backed out of the room slowly, shutting the door behind me. I don't really want to remember what Esme said about the plant next.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

(Jasper's PoV)

"You want to what now?" Edward sat across from me on the floor of his room, staring at me dumbfounded.

"Oh come on, it's not that hard now is it?"

"But, why would I want to help you get your revenge?"

"I have Bella on my side-"

"Done." _Wow, that was easier then I thought it would be. All because Bella's my friend-_

"All because I don't trust you with her."

"I'm glad you trust me so much."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

(Bella's PoV)

After what felt like hours of door opening and Rosalie hunting, I finally found her.

In the living room.

Reluctantly, I sat down next to her, receiving a glare.

"Hey Rosalie?" I spoke quietly, still somewhat afraid of her.

"What?" She snapped at me, obviously annoyed. I swear I could see a small smirk of her face.

"I- well, Jasper and I. We need you help with something." She turned to face me completely, sitting cross-legged on the couch. "And this is what we need you to do…"

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

(Emmett's PoV)

I snickered, laughing at Alice.

"IT'S NOT FUNNY EMMETT!" I laughed loudly again.

"Yeah, it is!"

"No it's not! Splattering deer blood, spit, and terds all over someone isn't funny! It's disgusting!" **(Ew….please excuse me while I go get a bucket…)**

I snickered again as she continued.

"And then wh-" She froze, her eyes looked glazed over as she stared into the trees in front of her.

"Alice? Alice you okay?" She blinked and shook her head, smirking at me.

"Perfectly fine."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

(Edward's PoV)

"Jasper, this isn't funny, it's stupid." I shook my head at him as he shrugged. "I like it." He smiled.

"I knew you would."

This would be great, just another way to get back at Emmett for all those stupid pranks he pulled on us before……Like the one time he dyed Alice's hair, or that Easter bet, or the whipped cream cleaning supplies –Esme was really mad then- or the time he replaced all of Carlisle's medical instruments with children toys, or that time he spray painted my piano or the time he-

"Are you done yet?" Jasper looked at me with a bored expression. "You've been sitting there for the past ten minutes muttering about all of Emmett's stupid pranks."

"There's one thing wrong with that."

"What?"

"That wasn't even half of them."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

(Rosalie's PoV)

"So will you do it?" Bella sat across form me, smiling. I smiled back, a gleam in my eyes.

"Of course, that'll teach Emmett to mess with my Prada! And my Gucci……and my Coach….and-" I got lost in my train of thought until Bella spoke again.

"Rosalie?"

"What?"

"We have to hurry, they'll be back soon."

"Wait, _they_?!"

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

(Alice's PoV)

I practically skipped back to the house with glee. I couldn't wait to see what they had planned for our dear Emmy-kins here. I giggled, receiving a questioning look from Emmett.

I just giggled some more.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

(Edward's PoV)

"Why do I have to do this? She's your wife!"

"Exactly! She's my wife! I'd never do this! Not unless I want to die!"

"But you can't die," Jasper's expression and eyes went dark.

"This is Alice we're talking about." Involuntarily, I gulped, he had a point.

0o0o0o0o0oo0o0o0o0

(Rosalie's PoV)

"So all I have to do is convince Emmett to use this?" I stared down at the bottle in front of me. "Won't it be kind of obvious what it is?"

"Well, yeah. _If_ you give it to him just like that. Which is why I have this." She smiled, an evil gleam in her eye as she reached into a bag I hadn't noticed before. She pulled out a bottle of _Natural Glow daily moisturizer_.

"Ah, muscle toner, perfect."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

(Jasper's PoV)

Convincing Edward to finally go through with this wasn't as easy as I had originally thought it was.

"Look, all you have to do is take all of her clothes out of her closet and hide them….somewhere, preferably the basement, because she'll never go down there, and then you put these in her room. I'll take care of the rest."

"If she threatens us to find out who did this, I'm going to sing like a canary!" **(I know Edward wouldn't really do that, but I got part of the line for the hilarious movie 'Monster-in-Law'. You should watch it, it's funny.)**

"You can't sing though. Have you ever heard yourself 'singing'? It's like listening to a dying bird." Edward glared, his eye narrowed.

"At least I'm not tone deaf."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

(Bella's PoV)

"Do think you'll be able to get him to use it?" Rosalie winked at me, pouring the rest of the contents of the moisturizer down the drain. "And don't you think that'll clog the sink?"

"Well, for one, he's my husband; I can get him to do anything….. Well, almost anything. And two, that's what we have Esme for."

"Nice." Rosalie cracked a smile.

"Ha, I know." This was kind of nice though, I think Rosalie and I were finally becoming friends. Hopefully for a good reason. The bottle made one final squirt as the last of the lotion came out.

"There, that should do it." I smiled and handed her the other bottle.

"Here you go, knock yourself out." She threw her head back and laughed. She took the bottle and slowly emptied it into the now empty moisturizer bottle. Funny how it's the exact same color as the moisturizer….

"Done." I shook my head and smiled up at her.

"Let's do this thing."

"Sure, only if you never say that again."

"Ha, deal."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

(Edward's PoV)

That's it; Alice closet is now officially empty. Except for that _thing,_ that is. I gazed at it with wide eyes. Alice is going to flip.

"Edward! Hurry! They're coming!" Jasper hissed from the doorway.

"I really don't see why you didn't do this." He shrugged.

"Didn't feel like it. Besides, it'd be more fun to have the blame pinned on you."

"Thanks, you're oh so kind." He smiled wide.

"Anytime."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

(Bella's PoV)

Okay, they're coming now. Everything's set up according to plan. Rosalie's ready to convince Emmett to take a shower and Jasper has the other _thing_ for Alice. I snickered. This would be way too much fun.

"Oh! Rosalie! Before I forget, you have to put these on Emmett!" I reached into the seemingly-never-ending-bag-o'-stuff and pulled it out. At first Rosalie looked appalled, but then she realized what I meant.

"Awesome." She quickly snatched them and ran up to her room and back in about five seconds flat.

"A new record,"

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

(Alice's PoV)

Ugh. Finally, we're home. I was still trying to get deer terds and whatever else Emmett threw at me off my shirt with a sick. I wasn't doing to well.

"Get, now I have to throw out this shirt." I turned to glare at him as he swung he arms at his sides like a little boy. "I can't believe you."

"Well……..that's just too bad now isn't it?"

"You don't make _any _sense."

"Exactly." I stopped and stared at him.

"I rest my case."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

(Bella's PoV)

Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh- THEY'RE HERE! I was bouncing up and down in excitement. I can't wait to set the plan in motion. Rosalie looked at me out of the corner of her eye and cracked a smile, laughing at me. At that moment Jasper came into the room with Edward.

"So we all set?"

"Yup!"

"Nothing else to set up?"

"Nope!"

"Did you get rid of any evidence?"

"Ye-" My eyebrows knit together as I looked at Rosalie. "I don't know, did we?" Rosalie bit her bottom lip.

"Um…"

"Oh god! Hurry!" Rosalie and I took off up the stair to get rid of any extra bottles. And when I say we took off, I mean she took off, dragging me behind her.

"OH JASPER!!!!!!!" Alice yelled from downstairs. "Hey, where are Bella and Rosalie?" Rosalie and I froze and looked at each other in fear. Luckily, Jasper came to our rescue, well, he tried to that it is.

"They had to get Edward from his room to come greet you."

"How? Edward's right here, or at least, he was…."

"Yeah, right now he's in his room."

"Oh." Rosalie and I quickly threw the extra bottles out of the window; hopefully they ended up on the ground next to Esme's garden and not in it. Rosalie gave me a quick look that said 'Let's go!' and I quickly nodded, running out of the room only to bump into Edward.

"This is going to be hilarious." He murmured, before he was interrupted by Alice.

"Edward!" Alice suddenly appeared beside Edward, trying to look him in the eye. She smiled. "I want in. I know what you're planning to do to Emmett." Rosalie shook her head.

"Yeah, whatever. Can you just change out of those clothes? They reek! What'd you do, roll around in manure?!" Alice's face hardened.

"You could say that." Jasper had appeared and took her hand, smiling at her.

"Come on Alice, I have a surprise for you." She softened and looked up at him.

"Really?"

"Yes, really, now let's go." Alice beamed and left the room with him. After a few minutes, Edward, Rosalie and I all burst out into silent fits of laughter. A few tears formed in my eyes as Rosalie dashed downstairs to talk with Emmett. I laughed some more.

After a few minutes Edward and stopped laughing, well, I couldn't breathe and he was worried about me because me face was going blue.

"Bella? Are you alright?" I shook my head, gasping for breath.

"Just…….wait…….until…….they see!!!!" I began to laugh again. That is, I began to laugh until Edward stopped me. He gave me a quick kiss and I froze.

"Ha."

0o0o0o0o(10 minutes later)o0o0o0

(Jasper's PoV)

"Hey Jazzy?"

"Yes Alice?" I looked down at my wife, starting there in all her pixie like glory. **(-Snicker-)**

"Can I open my eyes yet?"

"No, not yet. I'll be right back; just don't open your eyes yet, alright?"

"Alright." I quickly dashed down the hall to find Rosalie closing the bathroom door behind her with a smirk on her face.

"How'd it go?" Her smirk grew larger.

"Perfect, he believed me!"

"Well, this is Emmett we're talking about here." She shrugged at me. "Just tell him to hurry because I don't think Bella's going to last any longer." One of Rosalie's eyebrows rose at me. "She's dying of laughter." I turned to go back to my room and called back to Rosalie over my shoulder. "And I mean that literally."

0o0o0o0(another 10 minutes later)0o0o0o0

(Bella's PoV)

I was busy pacing in Edward's room, annoyed.

"Does it honestly take this long?! I mean come on!!" Edward shook his head and made his way over to me. At that moment Rosalie burst into the room.

"Come on! Let's go! Move it!" She waved a hand at my and Edward. "COME ON!" Edward picked me up and carried me down the stairs was Jasper took Alice's hand and brought her over to the stairs, her eyes still closed.

Once everyone was in the room –including Esme and Carlisle- Jasper and Rosalie brought down Alice and Emmett.

I took a gasp of breath that was immediately silenced by Edward.

"Now you can open your eyes." At the same exact time, Emmett and Alice opened their eyes and looked at each other in shock. Both of them began to laugh at each other.

Emmett was green, as in a dark green, a HULK green. Somehow Rosalie had convinced him to use the 'muscle toner' and had gotten those purple pants on him that I gave her before. With his dark hair, he looked just like the Hulk!

Alice was in a pixie/fairy outfit, and she looked so cute! I was laughing hysterically at the both of them. Alice turned to face me, her little fairy wings bobbing back and forth, making me laugh even harder.

"What's so-" She froze when she saw herself in the mirror. "Oh. My. God." Emmett stopped laughing at her for a minute when she yelled at him. "Take a look in the mirror Emmett, tell me what you see." Slowly, Emmett turned to look in the mirror.

"What the- WHY AM I GREEN?!?!?!" Alice and Emmett froze, turning to Jasper and Rosalie. "JASPER!!!!!!! ROSALIE!!!!" Rosalie put her hands up in defense.

"Hey! I had barely anything to do with it!"

"Edward?"

"Not really."

"Carlisle? Esme?"

"No." Alice's eyes grew wide.

"JASPER!"

"I didn't work alone!" Alice put her hands on her hips and glared at Emmett. "HOW COULD YOU EMMETT!"

"HEY! YOU SAW ME TURN GREEN IN A VISION!"

"Yeah, so?!"

"Ahem."

"WHAT?!" I rolled my eyes.

"So you don't think that I can be evil too?" I smiled sweetly, acting innocent.

"Bella? It was you? But Jasper-"

"She came up with the plan, I only carried it out." Alice and Emmett stood there, dumbfounded. Alice stomped her foot and glared at Edward.

"Where are my clothes Edward?!"

"I don't know."

"Yes, you do! Fork 'em over! Now!" Alice held out her hand as she glared at him. That's when Emmett smiled and roared.

"EMMETT MAD! EMMETT SMASH!" The whole room soon burst into laughter, but it stopped when Esme looked him dead in the eye and said,

"Don't you dare Emmett McCarty Cullen."

* * *

**Here is a random Cullen conversation discussing the above chapter and such...**

Jasper: Wow, I liked that. That was good.

Alice: No it wasn't. I'm very mad at you Jasper.

Jasper: But-Augh! The anger! It burns!

Carlisle: Huh?

Esme: I'm sorry, what is he doing?

Bella: What is this?

Alice: Hey! Bella's here! Cool! PAR-TAY!!

Rosalie: Oh my god….that was hilarious, but this is still weird.

Bella: WAH!

Jasper: Someone's PMSing…

Bella: I AM NOT! Argh! Why am I mad? I don't know why- JASPER STOP IT!

Jasper: Haha, nyah.

Bella: Jasper, that's not funny.

Jasper: Hey, when your wife's mad at you and your life's going down the tube, you do things to entertain yourself. Playing with your emotions is just icing on the cake.

Alice: Jasper.

Jasper: I will now be shutting up.

**And you can always review. :-)**


	17. Won't Go Home Without You

**I just hope that you all really liked the last chapter, it was lllllllloooooooonnnnnnnggggggg. **

**Okay, anyways, this chapter is more song-fic type chapter. Enjoy!**

**Won't Go Home Without You**

"Come on Bella! We have to get to my house! As in, now!"

"Fine! I'm coming Alice!"

"You'd think Edward would be the one dragging Bella, but no."

"Oh shut up Emmett! We have to get Bella to our house now!!!!"

"Fine, fine!" I sat in Charlie's living room, watching Emmett and Alice bicker. After I'd finally had enough I sprang up, nearly tripping over my own two feet, causing them to laugh at me.

"If you two are done, I'd like to leave now. What do you think?" They merely nodded at me, still laughing. I shook my head and went out through the front door, waiting for the other two to follow.

Once they finally did, their laughter had stopped. "So what car are we taking?" I snapped at them, still embarrassed. Emmett smiled.

"That one." He pointed at his oversized Jeep. I swear it's like a house in there. I groaned inwardly.

"Lovely."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Emmett pulled up to the driveway, with me clinging to the seat for dear life. Alice clicked a button on the stopwatch she was currently holding.

"6.4 seconds. Impressive." She turned back to look at me, smirking. "You okay there Bella?"

"I think I left my stomach somewhere back at my house."

"Aw, you'll be fine Bella."

"Yeah, but I think we hit something back there!" Emmett shook his head.

"Don't worry, it was only Victoria."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"BELLA. COME. ON." Alice was busy trying to pry me away from the seat in Emmett's jeep. "Let's go!!"

"No!"

"Why not?!"

"I DON'T TRUST YOU!" I shouted jokingly, she just glared at me.

"But Edward-"

"Fine." I surrendered.

"Now hurry, I have something to show you." I sighed and followed Alice into the house.

She carried me up to Edward's room, literally. I heard some music coming for the door which was open a crack and got shoved in my Alice.

And there stood Edward, humming to the tune of the song playing as he looked through his CDs.

"Ahem." Edward turned to glare at Alice and smiled at me.

"Hello Bella."

"Hi," I came over to him and gave him a hug. "I love the song." I breathed, kissing him quickly.

"Do you now?" I nodded as he began to twirl me. "How about now?"

"Yes, still do." I began to hum with him quietly as we listened to the song.

_I asked her to stay but she wouldn't listen  
She left before I had the chance to say  
Oh  
The words that would mend the things that were broken  
But now it's far too late, she's gone away_

_Every night you cry yourself to sleep  
Thinking: "Why does this happen to me?  
Why does every moment have to be so hard?"  
Hard to believe that_

_It's not over tonight  
Just give me one more chance to make it right  
I may not make it through the night  
I won't go home without you_

_The taste of your breath, I'll never get over  
The noises that you made kept me awake  
Oh  
The weight of things that remained unspoken  
Built up so much it crushed us everyday_

_Every night you cry yourself to sleep  
Thinking: "Why does this happen to me?  
Why does every moment have to be so hard?"  
Hard to believe that_

_It's not over tonight  
Just give me one more chance to make it right  
I may not make it through the night  
I won't go home without you_

_It's not over tonight  
Just give me one more chance to make it right  
I may not make it through the night  
I won't go home without you_

_Of all the things I felt but never really shown  
Perhaps the worst is that I ever let you go  
I should not ever let you go, oh oh oh_

_It's not over tonight  
Just give me one more chance to make it right  
I may not make it through the night  
I won't go home without you_

_It's not over tonight  
Just give me one more chance to make it right  
I may not make it through the night  
I won't go home without you  
And I won't go home without you  
And I won't go home without you  
And I won't go home without you_

The song stop, ending with a final note and Alice clapping happily over and over.

"You guys look so cute when you dance!" She gushed, and after receiving a glare from Edward, she left. He turned to me and kissed the top of my head.

"I love you Bella," He whispered.

"I love you too Edward." I whispered back, happy in my own little realm of serenity.

* * *

**Yay! Fluff! I still love this song, regardless. It reminds of when Edward left Bella. I mean, take a look at the lyrics and think about it. Ha.**

**Writing fluff and cuteness can be very fun adn entertaining. I highly recommend it. Along with humor. Humor is _always _good.**


	18. Sunny Dayz, oh BS!

**You guys must love how fast I update sometimes. You know, days on end, growing into weeks, later becoming months. I'll start shooting for a year now. Don't be mad, right?**

**Sunny Days, oh B.S.!**

"I'm bored."

"I know Emmett."

(5 minutes later)

"I'm…..bored."

"I _know _Emmett."

(another 5 minutes later)

"I'm-"

"I KNOW EMMETT!!!!"

"But I was gonna say that I was……..Emmett"

_BAM BAM BAM_

"Bella? Why are you hitting your head against the wall?"

"BECAUSE!"

"…………..Oh."

At that point in time Rosalie came into the room, say Emmett just……sitting there and Bella making an indent in the wall.

"Oh…" Bella stopped banging her head, complaining that it began to hurt and then looked at the wall.

"Ha, you can see the top part of my face in the wall." Rosalie blinked and turned to go.

"And we thought Emmett was stupid….."

Emmett sighed and sat back, making his own indent in the couch.

And the banging continued.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"Stupid sunny days……" Emmett grumbled to himself. "Who need 'em?" He scanned the room looking for Bella. "Bella?"

_CRASH_

"MY FOOT!"

"Uh-oh!" Emmett leapt up and sprinted toward the noise.

He ran up the stairs and stopped, listening.

"BELLA!! YOU PUT THAT DOWN THIS INSTANT!"

"MAKE ME PIXIE!"

_Note to self #5,678,931: Never call Alice a pixie._

_CRASH_

"AUGH!"

_Note to self #5,678,932: It can never be a good thing if Alice shouts "Augh!"_

"YOU. ARE. SO. DEAD!"

_Uh-oh._

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Alice had strapped Bella to a chair once she had finally gotten her down the stairs.

Bella's hair was all _poof!_ around her face, and her eyes were wild. If she could have, Bella would be foaming at the mouth right now.

Alice was backing away slowly, looking at Emmett every so often.

"Ya know, if you guys were so bored, why don't you just play a game or something?"

Bella seemingly snapped back to normal and nodded so fast it wouldn't have been a surprise if she broke her neck that way.

"Okay, Emmett, she's all yours."

"Wonderful."

_And that's how our little game of B.S. started._

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"Two eights."

"A nine."

"Three tens."

"B.S."

Bella sighed and showed Emmett the cards she had just put down. _Three tens._

"Da-"

"EMMETT!"

"Sorry Esme…." Bella shook her head.

"Your turn Emmett."

"Okay."

……………………

"So go."

"Five sevens."

"B.S."

"What?! How?!" Emmett waved a hand at his discarded cards as Bella shook her head.

"Emmett, there are only _FOUR_ of each card."

"Oh B.S.!"

* * *

**Sorry it's so short. –looks sad and guilty-**

**Ha, I love that game! :D I almost did that once.**

**Sorry that it was mainly dialogue, but I didn't feel like writing 'Bella and Emmett sat in the living room in silence on the sunny day'. Y'know, I should have, but I didn't, so there.**


	19. One Week, Jacob has a theme song!

**As per usual, I was bored when I typed this. What can I say?**

**Another song fic type chapter for you. This time it's "One Week" by Barenaked Ladies. This is for Jacob.**

**Shape-shifting wolf boy now comes complete with his own theme song! Dun-da-dun-dun-dah!  
**_(Underlined and bolded parts are lines I think suit him.)_

**One Week**

**It's been one week since you looked at me  
Cocked your head to the side and said "I'm angry"****  
**Five days since you laughed at me saying  
"Get that together come back and see me"  
Three days since the living room  
I realized it's all my fault, **but couldn't tell you**  
Yesterday you'd forgiven me  
but it'll still be two days till I say I'm sorry

Hold it now and watch the hoodwink  
As I make you stop, think  
You'll think you're looking at Aquaman  
I summon fish to the dish, although I like the Chalet Swiss  
I like the sushi  
'cause it's never touched a frying pan  
Hot like wasabi when I bust rhymes  
Big like LeAnn Rimes  
Because I'm all about value  
Bert Kaempfert's got the mad hits  
You try to match wits, you try to hold me but I bust through  
Gonna make a break and take a fake  
I'd like a stinkin achin shake  
I like vanilla, it's the finest of the flavours  
Gotta see the show, cause then you'll know  
The vertigo is gonna grow  
Cause it's so dangerous,  
you'll have to sign a waiver

How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're mad  
Trying hard not to smile though I feel bad  
I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral  
**Can't understand what I mean?  
Well, you soon will  
**I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve  
I have a history of taking off my shirt Five days since you tackled me  
I've still got the rug burns on both my knees  
It's been three days since the afternoon  
You realized it's not my fault  
not a moment too soon  
Yesterday you'd forgiven me  
**And now I sit back and wait til you say you're sorry **Chickity China the Chinese chicken  
You have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin'  
Watchin' X-Files with no lights on  
We're dans la maison  
I hope the Smoking Man's in this one  
Like Harrison Ford I'm getting **frantic  
**Like Sting I'm **tantric  
**Like Snickers, guaranteed to satisfy Like Kurasawa I make mad films  
Okay, I don't make films  
But if I did they'd have a Samurai  
Gonna get a set a' better clubs  
Gonna find the kind with tiny nubs  
Just so my irons aren't always flying off the back-swing  
Gotta get in tune with Sailor Moon  
'Cause the cartoon has got the boom anime babes  
That make me think the wrong thing

It's been one week since you looked at me  
Threw your arms in the air  
and said "You're crazy"

How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're mad  
Tryin' hard not to smile though I feel bad  
I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral  
**Can't understand what I mean?  
Well, you soon will  
**I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve  
I have a history of **losing ****my shirt**

**It's been one week since you looked at me  
**Dropped your arms to your sides  
and said **"I'm sorry"  
**Five days since I laughed at you and said  
"You just did just what I thought you were gonna do"  
Three days since the living room  
**We realized we're both to blame,  
but what could we do?  
**Yesterday you just smiled at me  
Cause it'll still be two days till we say we're sorry

It'll still be two days till we say we're sorry  
It'll still be two days till we say we're sorry  
Birchmount Stadium, home of the Robbie

* * *

**Doesn't it seem like a Jacob song though? Huh? Huh? I mean, think about the parts that were bolded and underlined, and then think of _New Moon_. What do you think? I still love this song. And I still have room in my heart for the fairly disliked Jacob Black.**

**:-)**


	20. Celebration, Runaway, and the Hot Poker!

**Yay! 20****th**** Chapter! Woop woop! This is officially my longest story!!!!! Yay!!! This is a true story too…**

**Okay, I know you're all probably tired of hearing me talk with the Cullens –mostly Jasper- and all, but this one's different.**

**Sorta.**

**Jasper: Sorta?**

**Well… Okay, so it's not so different. Sue me.**

**Jasper: With pleasure.**

**I was KIDDING Jasper, anyways-**

**Edward: -yawn-**

**Okay, that was nice, especially when you yawn in my face. It feels like the AC. Do it again.**

**Edward: o.O No thanks.**

**Fine, be that way. So let's get to the poin-**

**Emmett: Hi.**

**Um, yeah, the point wa-**

**Emmett: Hi.**

**Great. Anyw-**

**Emmett: Hi.**

**Lovely.**

**Emmett: H-**

**EEEEEEEEEMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**Emmett: Yeah?**

**-twitch- What -twitch- did you -twitch- want? -twitch-**

**Emmett: Hmm? Oh, I just wanted to tell you a secret.**

**-twitch- Ah. And what, pray tell, might this BIG secret be?! -twitch-**

**Emmett: Well if I told you, it wouldn't be a secret anymore!**

**Oh my god……you have got to be freakin' kidding me!!!**

**Emmett: Huh?**

**YOU JUST WASTED 5 SECONDS OF MY BORING LIFE TO TELL ME A SECRET THAT YOU DECIDED NOT TO TELL?!**

**Emmett: Dur…**

**Jasper: -cringe- Oooh…She's scary when she's angry! Kate! Out with the bad in with the good!**

**SHUT UP JASPER WHITLOCK HALE!!!!! ARGH!**

**Jasper: I was only trying to help.**

**Alice: What'd I miss?**

**Edward: Kate's-**

**Alice: Why is there steam coming out of her ears? I thought they only did that in cheesy cartoons.**

**Edward: So did I.**

**Emmett: She didn't want to know my secret……**

**Rosalie. -****- What a shame…**

**Emmett: I know! It **_**totally**_** is!**

**Edward: Never say that again Emmett.**

**Emmett: What? Totally? **_**Totally **_**awesome dude! XD This is fun!**

**Edward: Ugh…**

**Rosalie: Well, this is **_**so**_** interesting and all, but I have better things to do.**

**Jasper: Like fix Emmett's car? **_**Again**_

**Emmett: Aw shut up.**

**Alice: This is weird.**

**Edward: What was your first clue?**

**Alice: -sigh- Hey, where's the author?**

**Here.**

**Alice: Oh, I see. Did you have something important to say?**

**Why yes, I did. Until I was so **_**rudely**_** interrupted. –glares at Emmett-**

**Emmett: H-**

**Alice: Oh just ignore him! So what did you want to say?**

**Well, I had a very special story for you all. A very intriguing story……**

**Edward: We're waiting.**

**Patience, my son.**

**Edward: Okay…**

**So, um, anyways… This is the story of…..**

**My Amazing Trip to Applebee's.**

**Excited?**

**Emmett: Yeah.**

**Alice: Um, sure?**

**Edward: No.**

**Jasper: Not really…**

**Too bad then. I have the hot poker, I WILL use it.**

**Jasper: Yeah ri- OUCH! Why you little-**

**Sorry, just trying to prove my point. ;)**

**Emmett: That was-**

**I SAID SORRY! Now where was I?**

**Alice: You were talking about Applebee's…**

**Ah yes, I know that you probably don't care, -points at Edward and Jasper- but I find this funny.**

**So, my dad took my brother and I out to Applebee's yesterday, and we heard this song on their radio……**

**Alice: And…..?**

**Emmett: -bounces- I wanna know! I wanna know!**

**Jasper: I don't wanna know! I don't wanna know! –shies away from hot poker- Did I say didn't? Haha, silly me, I meant I wanna know! I wanna know!**

**So this one song came on, and the words to it were HILARIOUS.**

**Alice: Oooh, what were the words?**

**They were, -snicker- they, -snicker- They went:**

'**Runaway, runaway hamster! Runaway if you want to survive!'**

**-bursts out laughing-**

………**So what do you thank? Funny or no?**

**Alice:……XD Oh my god seriously?! XD I find it funny!**

**Edward: Ha?**

**Jasper: Pfft. Evil hamsters with their teeth and then they poop on your hands……**

**Emmett: Hehehe….hamsters………**

**Um, now it's not that funny anymore now that I think about it……**

**So, now that that's done, I have a better way to celebrate my 20****th**** chapter!**

**Edward: Let me guess…You're going to stop talking?**

………………………………**Men are so cruel…………**

**Alice: Men. Who needs 'em?**

**Jasper:O I'm right here!!!!!!**

**Alice: I know, but you guys are being mean.**

**Hey, thanks Alice!**

**Alice: Now you're indebted to me! ;)**

**Huh?**

**Alice: You pulled the prank on me, but I saved your head. So you have to do whatever I say now! I want you to-**

**Okay, 1. BELLA and JASPER pulled the prank on you. 2. What? and 3. Make me.**

**Jasper: Don't make her mad…**

**Oh blah blah blah. Pfft. As I was saying before, I have a better way to celebrate the 20****th**** chapter! And no, I'm not going to stop writing, no I'm not sending you to the moon Emmett, no I'm not doing whatever you say Alice, no I'm not going to stop talking Edward, and no I'm not going to do the dishes mom- Ooops.**

**Mom: Excuse me?**

**Uh……. **

**Edward: Your mom's not here, are you imagining things?**

**Jasper: Did you take your medication this morning?**

**-twitch- Maybe…… No, I'm not on any meds. I don't think I am. Then again, my breakfast did taste kinda funky…**

**Jasper: Oh lord.**

**Um…….I forgotted what I was going to say…Oh yeah, um……**

**Edward: Any day would be nice. **

**Ah plbt!**

**Edward: What?**

**Never mind. So if you'd all shut up and let me remember.**

**Edward: But-**

**Shut it. So as I was saying 5 pages ago (and we're on pg. 6), I have a better way to celebrate chapter 20!!!**

**Jasper: Please, do tell.**

**ALL OF MY READERS AND REVIEWERS GET 10 EXTRA HUGS!!!**

**(Edward, Emmett, Jasper, and Carlisle –how did he get here?!): Nnnnnnnnnoooooooooo!!!!!!!!!! Lord have mercy!**

**I SAID SHUT IT! Now go give ALL of our readers/reviewers 10 extra hugs. Now.**

**Guys? Guys?**

**-cricket-**

**They….ran away…… ARGH! –pulls out hot poker and GPS thingy that tracks the Cullen guys- Hehehe, let's see them get away now!**

**-runs off to find the guys-**

**-Jacob comes in-**

**Jacob: Did I miss something? WAIT! No! Get away from me! –A Frozen Touch tries to hug Jacob- I shall never give you a hug!**

**A Frozen Touch: But twilightnite/Kate promised!!!!**

**Jacob: Your point?**

**-Kate's voice can be heard from a mile away, along with the Cullen guys screaming: "OH GOD SHE FOUND US!"-**

**YOU BETTER GIVE HER A HUG THIS INSTANT JACOB something BLACK! I HAVE A…..a…………shock collar! I'm not afraid to use it!**

**Jasper: Oooh, you got burned!**

**Speaking of ''got burned'….**

**Jasper: NO!!!! Not the hot poker!!**

**Fine, I won't, but ALL of you better start giving out those hugs! NOW!**

**Thank you and have a nice day my wonderful reviewers! Don't be afraid of me! Wait! Come back! Don't leave the story now!!!! **

**Don't leave me with the evil and vengeful vampires!!! (or the werewolf)**

**No!!!!!!**

**Jasper, Edward, Emmett, Carlisle, and Jacob: Hehehe……**

**NO!!!!!!!!**

**Thanks for readin'!**


	21. Bella's First Day of School

**Alright, so I got bored, and I wrote this with my friend. This is to tell you how Bella's REAL first day at Forks High School went. Features made up Forks high schoolers, Mrs. Cope in all her frizzy odd glory, and a rather strange Isabella Marie Swan.**

**But didn't we already know that?**

**Bella's First Day of School  
**The UNREAL Version

Bella walked through to doors of Forks High School, nervous and anxious. Most of the students there were waiting her with amazement and wonder. That's when one brave soul shouted her name.

"Hello Isabella!"

"HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?!" Bella wheeled around to face the pimple faced boy.

"Huh?"

"STALKER!" Jeff ran away from Bella, terrified.

"That new girl has problems………" Some girl in the corner murmured before turning back to her boyfriend.

"Hey! Aren't Isabella?" Olivia yelled out to her.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!"

"IYAH!" Olivia screamed and ducked behind her friend.

With a huff, Bella continued the walk to the office, avoiding many people on her way.

With a _whoosh_, the sliding glass doors to the office opened and she took a hesitant step through. Ms. Cope, the plump secretary who was hiding behind her clay mate animals and wire baskets, was busy looking frazzled as she shifted through her papers.

After a few minutes of just standing there, Bella cleared her throat, startling Ms. Cope, who dropped the stack of flyers she was holding.

"Can I help you?" She said without looking up.

"Yes, you can." The lady finally looked up at Bella and then smiled.

"Oh, your Isabella Swan aren't yo- Isabella?"

"ARGH!" Bella yelled as she walked back out the doors into the pouring rain. "HOW DOES EVERYONE KNOW MY NAME?!"

Flustered, Ms. Cope watching Bella storm off into the rain before muttering to herself.

"I have your name and picture right in front of me….."

0o0o0o0o0o0

Bella now sat at in biology, still fuming from the fact that everyone knew her name, even if she didn't know them.

Then Edward Cullen decided to stop in front of her, despite warning glances and gestures from nearby schoolmates.

"Hello, I didn't get a chance to introduce myself before. I'm Edward Cullen. Aren't you Bella?" The class- including Mr. Banner- all looked up and gasped in horror as they watched the scene unfold.

Slowly, Bella lifted her gaze to glare at the god before her.

"Yes." Edward nodded.

"Er, hi?"

"Hello."

"I'll just go now." He jerked his thumb over his shoulder as he attempted to find a seat when he realized that the only open seat was next to Bella.

"No, no. You can just sit here." Edward gulped and sat down next to her, as far away as he possibly could.

By the end of the day, the whole school was terrified of Bella Swan.

0o0o0o0o0o0

Charlie sat by the door, tapping his fingers on the armrest. After what felt like hours to him, the front door finally opened and in came in a sopping wet Bella.

"Bella?"

"What."

"I got some calls from parents……It seems as though you kind of, er, lost it today?"

"Bella? Are you listening?"

"Oh." Bella shrugged out of her raincoat and wandered down the hall.

"Bells?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you take your meds this morning?" She froze and narrowed her eyes as she turned to face her dad.

"Maybe."

"Bells…" He began, with that fatherly serious voice of his, normally reserved for talking to his daughter about boys. Sadly, he'd never really had to sue it before now.

Bella hissed at her dad and tried to run away, only to trip and hit her head.

0o0o0o0o0o0

Bella awoke with a start and sat up in her bed, soaked in sweat.

"What a weird dream……" And with that, she feel back to sleep.

0o0o0o0o0o0

"Mrs. Meyer? Mrs. Meyer?" A woman was currently the author with a pencil but still keeping her distance.

Stephenie awoke with a start, sitting up in her chair and yawning.

"I feel asleep at my desk again didn't I?"

"Yes Mrs. Meyer."

"I just had the weirdest dream……" Mrs. Meyer began talking to herself now.

"What's wrong?" Her secretary asked, somewhat amused.

"Let's just say, 'Thank god Bella didn't start school that way'." She said with a small smile.

The woman before her shook her head.

"I will never fully understand the world of _Twilight_ in your head."

"I'm beginning to think no one ever will."

* * *

**What an eventful and impressionable first day of school _that _would be.**

**Ha, just wait until you see the next coming chapters.**


	22. Forks has a new theme song!

**Hullo again! Welcome to another addition of 'Crazy Cullen Chronicles', this time adding in an edited song where people must guess what the original song was? Are you up for the challenge? And trust me, it's not that hard.**

**Forks**

**-que piano solo-**

_In the light of the sun  
__Is there anyone?  
__Oh, it has begun  
__Oh dear you look so lost  
__Eyes are red and tears are shed  
__This world you must have crossed,  
__She said  
_**_(Bella)_**_You don't know me; you don't even care_ _**(last part, first**** day of school)  
**__He said_

**_(Edward)_**_You don't know me, you don't wear my chains_ _**(since he can't necessarily die, it's like living out an eternal torment)  
**Essential yet appealed  
Carry all your thoughts  
Cross an open field_ _**(i.e. the meadow)  
**When the flowers gaze at you  
__They're not the only ones  
__Who cry when they see you  
__She said_

**_(Bella)_** _You don't know me, you don't even care  
He said  
You don't know me, you don't wear my chains  
She said  
I think I'll go to Forks  
I think I'll start a new life  
I think I'll start it over  
No one knows my name _**_(or so she thinks)_  
**_I'll get out of Arizona_

_I'm tired of the weather  
__I think I'll get a lover  
__And fly em out to ITALY_ **_(maybe not, it's not the ideal place for them)_**

_I think I'll go to Forks  
__I think that I'm just tired  
__I think I need a new town  
__To leave this all behind  
__I think I need a sunrise  
__I'm tired of the sunset  
__I hear it's nice in the summer  
__Some snow would__**n't**__ be nice  
__You don't know me and you don't even care_

_Forks_

_No one knows my name!  
__No one knows my name!  
__No one knows my name!  
__Yeah………………………_

_Forks_

_No one knows my name!_

* * *

**So, what did you think of the new rendition of the song? Any good?**

**I also came up with an idea to start the movie Twilight. First off, you know the 14 second long piano solo in the beginning (of the original song)? Ok. You know how there's quotes in the beginning of each of the Twilight books? Alright. This is how I think Twilight should start:**

**-the song starts-**

**(during the piano solo)**

**Someone says this, pausing between each line.**

_**"But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, **_

_**thou shalt not eat of it; for in the day that thou eatest thereof **_

_**thou shalt surely die."**_

**Now that that's done……**

**Good bye.**


	23. Our New Forum!

**Sorry this isn't a chapter. I've got writer's block right now and I can't think of anything. Heh. Ooops.**

**Jasper: really now. I thought you just didn't feel like writing.**

**Oh shut up!**

**Jasper: Meh. Make me.**

**Okay, fine. Whatever. I wanna announce to reviewer who got the song from the last chapter right………and it was………..**

**EdwardsBrandOfHeroin!**

**Congrats you got an extra hug! XD**

**I have to keep updating because I was threatened by twilight782 and their mutated pencil sharpener-thing. -cringes- I DON'T WANNA DIE BY WRATH OF MUTATED PENCIL SHARPENER……THING.**

**Great, now I forgot what a wanted to say.**

**Jasper: Pfft. Like that doesn't happen enough.**

**STOP IT!**

**Sorry if I'm scaring you guys with the fact that I'm taking to the Cullens. Hehehe….-babbles on evilly-**

**I also want to thank A Frozen Touch for Kirs. You made her day, which I'm sure she's already told you.**

**You made her feel special for calling her a genius! XD**

**Now what I really wanted to say……**

**Last night I was bored so I made a forum. Right now I don't know why but it's not showing up under 'Forums', so I'll post the link here (just replace the (dot)'s with a .):**

http:// www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net /forum/ RandomTwilightRambles /34754/

**If you stop by, great. If you make a post, even better. If you join us, AWESOME!**

**Right now it's empty, and I'm bored and have no one to discuss Twilight with. -sniffle-**

**For all of you that take a look or post, you'll receive FIVE extra hugs!!! Or 10, take your pick.**

**Sorry this is more of an Author's Note than a chapter, I just wanted to spread the word of our new forum:**

**Random Twilight! Rambles.**

**Originally it was supposed to say 'Random (Twilight!) Ramble' but fanfic changed it on me, I'm not sure why either.**

**But thanks for reading this, and hopefully I'll see ya in the forum some time!**

**Jasper: Psst! -whispers- Don't do it! She's crazy! CRAZY I TELL YOU!**

**-Ahem- Well, DUH. Obviously I'm crazy! I mean, look at the title of this story!!!!**

**Jasper: ……………………………………………Oh.**


	24. Messin' with the Sub

**OK, I have too many chappies being written at once, I really need to stick with one, that's why I haven't updated in awhile, sorry. But then again, I'm also slightly lazy, so that's a good enough excuse, right? Sort of?**

**Who here has ever heard of Brain Regan? I personally think he's beyond hilarious.**

**Messin' with the Sub**

I stared up at Edward blankly. A smirk had made its way across his face as the rest of our English class finally filed in. Some of them were gossiping like those old women who sit on their porches and then talk to their cats because they have no life. Some were also yelling at each other like old men do when they blame you for stealing their teeth, when all you did was go outside to get the mail.

_Stupid Mr. Frankienhiemerjackenson…..the twentieth. Dear god, who names their kid that TWENTY TIMES IN A ROW?! And why did he alwasy yell at me for stealing his motor scooter? HE was aleays sitting on it! There's no plausible way I could have stolen it!_

"What was that?" I blinked, startled by Edward's voice.

"Huh? What?"

"You were muttering something about a stupid Mr. Frankien…. something rather." I blushed. _Did I really say that out loud?_

_Uh, well, duh! _I scowled at the table in front of me.

_I hate you stupid voice!_

_My name is not voice Miss Prissy Pants!_

_PRISSY PANTS?! What's that supposed to mean?!_

_I DON'T KNOW. I couldn't think of anything. There's no mean names in your brain._

_Oh, what a shame!_

_It is my dear, it is._

_Dear god, shut up would you?! IDIOTIC VOICE!_

_MY. NAME. IS. NOT. VOICE!_

_THEN WHAT IS IT?!_

……_..Frank Frankienhiemerjackenson…..the twentieth-first._

_I hate you._

I sat there twitching as Edward watched me, worried.

"I'm fine." I muttered, now glaring a hole into my notebook. The door to the room opened as a small scaried looking man slowly walked into the room. He blinked, squinting at us in the dim light sliding through to cracks in the cheap blinds.

The guy took another few steps into the room, gently shutting the door behind him. He had a patch of thin…hair on his head, and he kept re-adjusting his shirt collar like it was choking him.

"Um….h-hello class. I'm your substitute for today…." The sub dropped his stuff on the desk and quickly scanned the room.

"Where's –insert the English teacher's name here-?" Jessica piped up. **_(Okay, so I forgot the guy's name! Like anyone really cares!)_**

"-insert English teacher's name here- is sick today. Th-they asked me to come instead." He reached up and scratched his head and went for a piece of chalk. "Well class. I-I'm," he turned and started to write 'Mr.' on the board, "Mr…….Frank," I froze and my jaw clenched. _Don't you dare spell out the rest of that name!! _"….ien…hiem …..er…jack….. enson." He let out a breath and turned back to us dumbfounded- and annoyed- students.

He bit his lip and looked me in the eye. "But you can call me Mr. Monroe."

"Mr. Monroe? How do you get that out of Frankienhiem-whatever?!" Jasper slammed his fist on the table, startling Alice.

"I don't really know, and I've never really cared. Neither should you really."

"That's nice," Emmett snickered from behind me.

_There's a reason you're back there Emmett. That's what you get for throwing a textbook at Jasper's head!_

_Yeah but it didn't hurt him!_

_So?! Don't you have to attack human in school?!_

I gasped. Was I talking to Emmett in my head?

_Nu-uh! You were a-talkin' ta me!_

_Dang._

"So…." Emmett began, smiling while he leaned back in his chair. "You're the sub huh?" The man flinched, dropping a book on his foot.

"Er, yes?"

"Interesting…._very_ interesting."

"Um, ok?" Mr. Frank- Mr. Monroe, looked down at the note the teacher left for today and started giving us a lecture.

_On plurals._

"What are we? Stupid?"Mike muttered to Tyler who snickered. Next to me, I saw Edward look back at Emmett and smirk. Jasper and Alice were laughing quietly as they also spun around to face him. Slowly, I too turned to him.

Emmett sat there, a big goofy grin spread across his face.

"This should be fun."

"Ok, class?" Mr. Monroe looked up at us, nervous. "Ah yes, Emmett I think it is.." Emmett watched Mr. Monroe and tried not to smile.

"Yes?"

"Can you tell me how to make a word a plural?" The rest of the class was giggling. Yes, they were _giggling_. Emmett screwed up his face to make it look like he was trying to concentrate on something difficult.

"Um…." The rest of the class was shaking with silent laughter. "YOU PUT A S! YOU ADD A S ON THE END OF IT!

"When?"

"On weekends and holidays!"

"Uh, no…Eric? What about ox? How do you make that a plural?" Eric had his mouth in a tight line, trying not to smile.

"_Oxen_. The farmer used his _oxen_." Most of the people in the room began to laugh at Mr. Monroe's expression.

"Uh….how about Edward?" I bit the inside of my cheek and looked up at his expressionless face.

"Whaaat?" He looked like he was about to cry and everyone else chuckled.

"What's plural for…box?"

"BOXEN! I BOUGHT TWO BOXEN OF DOUGHNUTS!" I laughed hysterically along with the rest of the class.

"Well, no…..but what about you Emmett? Can you tell me the plural for moose?"

"…….."

"Emmett?"

"…………MOOSEN!" Emmett bellowed, making the rest of us –excluding the other Cullens- jump. "I SAW A FLOCK OF MOOSEN! THERE WERE MANY OF THEM, MANY MUCH MOOSEN! OUT IN THE WOODS! IN THE WOODIS. IN THE WOODZEN! THE MEESE WANT THE FOOD! FOOD IS TO EATZENIS! THE MEESE WANT THE FOODEN IN THE WOODYENEZIN! THE FOOD IN THE WOODINGEZINSEN!"

"You're an imbecile…" Jasper spoke up, as the class began to cry because they were laughing so hard.

"IMBECILEN!"

"What are you speaking German?"

"German, Germain, Germain, JACKSON! JACKSON 5 TITO!"

"Emmett, what are you talking about?!"

"I don't know….. I don't know really…" The sub blinked, the book slipping out of his hands.

"What the…."

"Uh, sub dude?"

"What?"

"Your toupee is falling off."

"Erm." The sub grabbed at his toupee and kept re-adjusting it.

"Well, now that that's settled, it's time for you to go to your biology class….I think."

"Actually, we go to lunch before bio." Lauren said to him, still laughing.

"Well then, go ahead then."

"We swapped the real textbook with a second grader's book." Edward whispered in my ear as we walked out of the room.

0o0o0o0o0(At lunch)o0o0o0o0o0

"Have a nice meal." The lunch lady muttered, handing Emmett a slice of pizza.

"YOU TOO! 'Course you don't have one…"

"Er…."

0o0o0o0o(After lunch in Biology)0o0o0o0o0

"Er Emmett?"

"Yeah Mr. Banner?"

"What's that?"

"It's a cup of dirt…"

"Explain it."

"Well it's a cup…..with dirt in it…..I call it cup of dirt!" Mr. Banner shook his head and turned back to the board. After a few minutes he spoke again.

"So Tyler, I hear you're going on a trip to Texas?"

"Uh…yeah?"

"Have a nice time down there."

"YOU TOO!"

"Huh?" Mr. Banner looked down at Tyler, confused.

"Hey Tyler!" Alice yelled from the other side of the room. "TAKE….LUCK!"

The class was laughing loudly by now, and most were holding their sides.

"Take luck and care….take care of the luck that you might have. Take luck! CARE ABOUT IT!" Alice was now yelling unintelligible words as Mr. Banner watched us dumbfounded. And now it was my turn…

"Ma'am?"

"Excuse me?" Mr. Banner was glaring at me. "What did you call me?" I took a deep breath. This should be fun, but I don't feel like being expelled.

"Hey, WHEN'S THAT BABY DUE? BABY!"

"What baby?" I gasped dramatically as other people were laughing even harder.

_This is pretty fun._

"Hey buckaroo!" Mike yelled at Jessica.

"My name's not buckaroo.."

"Sure it is….partner."

"Excuse me class, but why don't we go back to talking about-"

"It's Alice, Jasper. It's ALICE. Jasper."

"It's YASPEEEER! Yes, my name is YASPEEEER! Can you say that? Very few can…correctly."

_Well that day was fun, until we ALL got detention……_

_ALL HAIL BRIAN REGAN!_

-------------------------

**It was a stupid and late chapter for you, but I think it's sorta funny. All the credit for the jokes goes to Brain Regan, one of the funniest guys alive.**

Jasper: (randomly) My name's not Yaspeeeer….How'd you get that?

**I don't think you wanted to be called Brian now huh?**

Jasper: (randomly) Well, now. Hey, what's the 'I' before 'E' rule?

**I before E……..always.**

Jasper: (randomly) No no…..it's 'I' before 'E' except after 'C' or when sounded like 'A' as in 'neighbor' and 'weigh' and on weekends and holidays, and all throughout May, and you'll always be wrong no matter what you say!

**That's a hard rule….that's a rough rule…XD**

**I know, Brian Regan isfunny, and that's where I got this conversation we just had.**

Jasper: (randomly)Um, great?

_**--Those Brian Regan jokes came from two of his segments, "Stupid in School" and "You Too & Stuff". NO copyright infringement intended.--**_


	25. Strawberry Daiquiris

**I'm busy writing another chapter with Kirs, but you guys can have this for now, sorry it took me so long to update!**

**twilight782, I swear to god you get that mutated pencil sharpener away from me or I'LL SMASH IT! AND THEN I'LL NEVER UPDATE AGAIN!**

**Ok, I'm kidding about not updating, but I will smash it. :)**

**Jasper: -yawn- So what's this chapter about?**

**You'll see, oh you'll see. ;)**

**Strawberry Daiquiris**

Strangely, Edward had decided to drag Bella out for a well, outing. Why? Um, well, he's Edward, he felt like it that's why! Besides, wherever Bella and Edward go, trouble's bound to follow.

"And we're going to a bar _why_?"

"It's not a _bar_ exactly. It's more of a _sports_ bar." Bella shook her head.

"Yes but they both serve beer don't they? They both have the word _bar_ in the name."

"Well obviously _bar_ would have the word _**bar**_ in the title." Emmett huffed from the backseat. Bella sighed and turned to face Edward, pressing her head against the cold window of the Volvo. Alice was busy playing with Jasper's hair from the backseat while Emmett was talking sports to Edward who was barely listening.

"Are we there yet?"

"Emmett, please, not that again. Didn't you use that enough on the beach?" **(Beach Party with the Cullens! Our first story ever!!!!)**

"Mmm….no."

"Well fine, we're there."

"Really?!"

"No."

"Oh come on!"

"Hey Edward?"

"Yes Alice?"

"Are we there yet?" Edward's grip on the steering wheel tightened as he gritted his teeth.

"No."

"Are we there ye- OW!" Emmett yelped from the backseat as Edward redrew his fist, smirking. "MY BRAIN!"

Bella was smirking at Edward as Alice and Jasper laughed at Emmett who was busy mocking Edward from the backseat.

"Serves you right." He rose an eyebrow at her, not bothering to watch the road.

"For what?"

"For bringing a bunch of underage-" She quickly glanced around the car full of vampires. "…..erm, people, to a bar!"

"Bu-"

"Edward, where are we going anyway?" Jasper piped up from the backseat, trying to get Alice to stop messing with his hair.

"Here." Edward pulled into a concrete parking lot and stopped the car, helping Bella out.

"Lucky Louie's Luau Lounge _for Lizards_?" **(XD)**

"Well, there were no other suitable sports bars and- Bella?" Edward looked around to almost packed parking lot and saw his girlfriend walking toward the entrance to the bar in a huff. "Hey! Wait!"

Emmett watched his brother run after Bella and turned back to Alice who was busy trying to pry Jasper's fingers off of the inside door handle.

"Oh Jasper, stop being such a pansy."

"I AM NOT A PANSY!"

"Jasper, only a pansy would hang onto a car door when his girlfriend tries to drag him into a sports bar." Emmett quickly looked around, noticing a few people giving them some strange looks. "Uh, Alice, I think we're causing a scene." Alice immediately let go of Jasper. She bit her lip, trying to come up with a decent threat.

"Jasper, either you come out of the car or…..or…….WE'RE THROUGH!" She screamed at him, trying not to laugh. Both Emmett and Jasper had froze, watching her with wide eyes. Jasper slowly climbed out of the car, towering over Alice.

"Come on Jazzy! This should be fun!" Alice was now beaming as she practically skipped toward the entrance to Lucky Louie's Luau Lounge for Lizards.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Edward and Bella sat on barstools, currently arguing.

"Oh come on Bella. It can't seriously be that bad." Bella looked Edward dead in the eye.

"It smells like smoke and god knows what here. Doesn't that bother you?"

"Well, a bit," Edward shook his head, "But I've gotten over it."

"Yeah? So tell me, how does it feel to have cotton balls stuck up your nose to block out the smells?"

"I think they're stuck."

"Lovely." Bella began to laugh as she helped Edward pull the cotton balls out of his nose.

A young redheaded bartender walked over to them, watching them curiously from the other side of the counter. "Can I get you two anything?"

"Er…." Edward trailed off and looked at the list of none alcoholic drinks. "I'll get her a strawberry daiquiri." The guy nodded and walked of to get her drink.

"What if I don't like strawberry daiquiris?" Edward sighed and closed his eyes.

"Why are you being so difficult Bella?" She shrugged at him, smirking.

"Now you know how I feel when-" One of his eyebrows rose as he went to respond. He was interrupted by the bartender when he set down Bella's drink.

"Enjoy." He then turned and walked away not bothering to ask for the payment.

Reluctantly, Bella reached for the drink, and took a sip. And another……and another…….and another….. After only a few minutes, she was done with it.

Redhead man came back, and immediately gave her a new strawberry daiquiri. She opened her mouth to protest, but the guy disappeared again.

"So where's Emmett, Alice, and Jasper?" Bella asked Edward, who just sat there.

"Emmett and Jasper are playing darts, and Alice is just watching them."

"Oh." She took a sip of her free refill and rolled her eyes when Edward smiled at her.

"So they're that good huh?"

"Wanna try some?" Bella asked jokingly. "Hey!" She laughed when Edward actually took it, and chugged it. It was soon empty, and Edward smiled at her.

Redhead came back with another refill.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"Hey Jasper, I'm gonna go check on Bella and Edward, be right back!" Alice smiled and stood up only to duck, barely missing one of Emmett's stray darts. "Geez Emmett! Learn to throw!" Emmett glared at her as she rolled her eyes. Jasper nodded to her.

"Have fun." She smiled again and pecked him on the cheek before wandering toward Edward and Bella at the bar.

Bella was glaring at Edward who sat on his stool, cringing.

"Edward?" What's wrong? Alice tilted her head to the side as Edward glanced at her nervously.

"A-Alice! I'd run if I were you!" Bella swiveled in her stool to look at Alice.

"TRYING TO STEAL MY MONKEY ARE WE?!" She screeched at Alice, who was backing away.

"I- Huh?" Both of Alice's eyebrows rose as Bella stood and stumbled toward her.

"I know what you're up to you little elf! Come from under that tree stump have we? Come to wreak havoc for no reason whatsoever?" Bella was glaring at Alice now. Many people in the bar were now watching these two, quickly turning away when Edward glared at them.

"Bella, just chill!" Alice shrieked –getting Jasper's attention- when Bella rose her arm. She froze when Bella merely draped her arm across her shoulders.

"Alice? You know you're my best friend right?"

"Er, yes?"

"There you go!" Bella walked back over to the counter, bumping into Edward who wrapped his arms around her. "Let me go you weirdo stalker…dude!" Edward immediately released her.

"Bella!" She covered his mouth with her hand.

"Edward, I love you…..You're my bestest friend!" She threw her head back and cackled.

"Uh, Bella, are you feeling okay?" Bella sighed a stood up, walking away.

She kept walking until she found Mike, Tyler, and Connor all playing pool and laughing.

"Hey! I know you!" She went over to Mike and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. He was both shocked and pleased at the same time.

"Er, hey Bella. What's up?" Bella blinked, leaning into him. It was silent for a minute before she stood on her tiptoes to whisper into his ear.

"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone your secret!" At this Mike looked down at her in confusion.

"Uh what? What secret?" He said leaning down. Bella stared up at him blankly and then gave him an odd expression that can only be explained as angry, annoyed, and…excited. She pulled back and smiled _really_ wide before screaming,

"I won't tell anyone you're gay!" The music stopped abruptly, everyone turned to stare at Bella and Mike, Tyler and Connor exchanged a nervous glance and took a few steps back, and Mike stared at Bella, scared.

"Uh Bella, if I were gay, why would I ask you out?" Apparently Bella didn't care about what he said or just didn't listen because she was busy singing.

"If you were gay, that'd be ok! 'Cuz I'd love you anyway!" She then began doing the Macarena for gods-know-why while Mike continued to tell people that he WAS NOT gay.

0o0o0o0o0

Alice had her 'wand' –which was actually a pencil- pointed at Edward's neck while Emmett stood next her, his arms folded over his chest.

"Why is she acting like this Edward?" Alice hissed through her teeth at her wide eyed brother.

"I-I swear I have no clue!" Alice hissed and poked his neck with her pencil. "Okay okay! She-she had a few drinks."

"What kind of drinks?!"

"Strawberry Daiquiris!" Alice gaped at him and let go, taking a step back, slapping her forehead.

"Ugh, Edward you moron! Those drinks are alcoholic! Duh!" It was Edward's turn to gape at her now.

"But they were on the non-alcoholic drinks menu!" Alice froze and narrowed her eyes at Edward.

"So what? It's obvious that she has alcohol in her system! How do you think Charlie's going to react?! What about Carlisle and Esme?!"

"Oh. Crap."

"Ya think?!"

0o0o0o0o0o

"Bella, get down from there now."

"No!"

"Get. Down. Now." Bella was currently holding onto the ceiling fan which was spinning around.

"MAKE ME JASPER!" Jasper sighed and reached up with one hand, grabbing her foot, "IYAH!"

He gasped, trying to catch her and make sure that her head didn't her the floor, only for her to wrap her arms around his neck and scream in his ear.

"Ow. I'm deaf now! Thanks a lot Bella!" He cried, cringing and putting her down at the same time.

"You're welcome!" That's when it happened. Of course Bella had no idea what she was doing. Of course, if she did know what she was doing, she may have done something to stop it, but of course she didn't so-

Okay, anyways.

Bella stood up on her tiptoes and gave Jasper a quick kiss. And Edward, Alice, and Emmett just so happened to show up at the same time.

"Jasper?!" Bella screeched at him. Jasper was shaking with fear as he slowly opened one eye to look at the deranged girl before him. "WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO SELL MY HAIR TO THAT BALD LLAMA OVER THERE?!" She yelled, pointing at Lauren who as gossiping to Jessica.

"What did you call me?" Bella took a deep breath and turned to yell at her.

"You heard me you pimple!" Lauren stood with a huff and glared at Bella.

"You want to bring this outside?"

"Sorry Grandma, but this has been over from the beginning! You never had a chance." A couple people in the bar 'oohed' at this remark, and Lauren's face turned red with rage.

"Why you little-!"

"Come on Bella, let's go." Edward grabbed onto Bella arms and proceeded to drag her outside, despite her pathetic protests. Emmett soon followed behind them, leaving Alice and Jasper to stand there in the middle of the crowd. Alice turned to glare up at her husband before practically growling her next words.

"You're lucky Edward got her drunk." Jasper gulped and gave a quick nod before they too had left the bar to walk back to the Volvo.

0o0o0o0o0o

"Okay, Edward, how many daiquiris did you give her?" Alice prodded, glaring at her brother.

"Uh," Edward looked around nervously, his hands gripping the wheels even tighter than before. There were now imprints of where his hands had been on it. "I lost count someone after nine or ten…"

"NINE OR TEN?!" Alice screamed from the backseat. "Why Edward? Why why why why why?!?!?!"

"I-I don't know! She said they tasted good and- and-" Bella lurched forward, grabbing her stomach.

"EVIL LEPROCHAN! COMGIN TO STEAL YOUR SOUL!" She then sat back as Alice and Jasper tried their best to scoot away from her.

"But-" Edward was cut off when Bella leaned forward again, a sickening sound filled the car, followed by a low moan.

"Ugh, my nose!" Emmett cringed, grabbing his nose.

"My husband!" Alice stared down wide-eyed.

"My car….." Edward bit his lip and gripped the wheel harder.

"My stomach…" Bella moaned. Jasper had froze, shuddering.

"My feet……."

----------

**Jasper: o.O**

**I thought that chapter was a bit weird and random, but random is good and I had fun writing this chapter.**

**Besides, I'm sugar high after eating some double chocolate cake from my birthday last week………Mmm……chocolate cake…**

**Jasper: Yeah, just what you need. More sugar.**

**What? It was good!**

**Jasper: Fine. Whatever. Why did you make Bella throw up on ME?! Why why why?!**

**Well, that's just how it turned out, what can I say?**

**Jasper: -grumbles-**

**MOOSEN! I SAW A FLOCK OF MOOSEN!**

**Jasper: What the-**

**Well if I put the boxes on the scale I can't see the NUMBERS!**

**Jasper: Wha-**

**The weight is 10 pounds and the girth is……3.**

**Jasper: 3 what?**

**3…..girth units.**

**XD Isn't Brian Regan hilarious?**

**Jasper: Uh, sure?**

**I only said the thing about the NUMBERS because I know that it's probably one of PARTY AT THE INSTITUTE's favorite lines from Brian Regan's UPS improv. XD**

**Jasper: Er, that's nice.**

**Okay, so I know that you gave out hugs last time and really aren't looking forward to it again-**

**Jasper: Ya got that right!**

**So this time, we have……**

**DRUM ROLL**

**Emmett giving out hugs!**

**Emmett: Uh…**

**Fine, I'll have Jake do it then!**

**(Some) Reviewers: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!**

**Jake: -pouts-**

**A Burning Comfort: You hug any of those other people and WE'RE THROUGH!**

**Jake: O.O No April! No!!**

**April: Don't you dare hugs anyone!**

**Jake: I-I won't! I promise!**

**April: Thank you.**

**Uh yeah, we're gonna skip these two now… Er April, do you mind? It's kinda weird watching you two…you know…**

**April: What's so weird about watching two people read a book.**

**Well, the reading the book part isn't weird; it's the fact that Jake's practically drooling on you that's creeping me out.**

**April: Um…**

**Ok, how 'bout we end this here and let out lovely reviewers press the purplish-gray button to review?**

**April: Yeah, let's do that…**

**Oh, and one more thing. Just a newsflash for everyone else. April and Jacob are married, and Jake imprinted on her awhile ago, so he's no longer single. Please put down your flaming pitchforks and precede to find a better outlet for your anger- and I don't mean plotting my demise. I'd rather not die anytime soon just because I married April and Jake.**

**Jasper: UH, Kate?**

**What?**

**Jasper: There's a red dot on your forehead.**

**OH. MY. GOD. -ducks-**

**April: Er, let's just end this here, ok?**

**(muffled by floor) Ok.**

**April: So…bye everyone and remember to review! –looks down at Kate- Did I say it right?**

**Uh, sure?**


	26. Carlisle and the Plant

**This was originally going to be added in one of my other chapters- Emmett the Hulk and Alice the Pixie- but I changed my mind, and decided to make it it's own chapter.**

Jasper: (randomly comments) Weird.

**Ha, I know.**

**Carlisle and the Plant**

(Carlisle's PoV)

I sat down in my chair and gazed at the plant before me.

"I'm so sorry about your tulip Esme." I looked up at her and smiled innocently.

"It was a pansy dear."

"I AM NOT A PANSY!" I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose between my forefingers.

"We weren't talking about _you_ Jasper, we were talking about the _flower_."

…………

"Oh."

Esme smiled and shook her head before turning to face me again.

"I'm still sorry for killing tu-pansy, dear."

"No, no, it's fine; I can just replace it with another plant." She smiled down at me. "I still can't believe that's how it died though…"

"Yes, I mean, who knew that flowers didn't like to be watered with kerosene?"

_(That's how long it originally was, but I decided to make it longer, and expand on why/how Carlisle killed it. So here you go.)_

(Carlisle's PoV)  
_**(How the Plant Died)**_

"I'm going to go check on Bella's dinner dear; I promise I'll be right back." Esme smiled and stood up, brushing dirt off of her knees.

I looked up at her and smiled back. Before I had the chance to say anything more, she had disappeared into the house.

Shrugging I turned back to the plant that I was currently attempting to help her with.

_Attempting being the key word._

When I saw it though, I began to panic.

_What is that?! _I mentally yelled, not wanting to bring Esme out her to see what I'd done.

Where a blossoming flower should have been, a dead, black…._thing _sat in its place in Esme's garden.

_This is not good, this is not good! _I looked around quickly, trying to discover the reason it had died. My eyes came to rest upon a watering can. Relaxing, I reached forward and took it, hoping that a bit of water would help the flower. Without thinking, I simply began to soak it, when an odd smell hit my nose. I froze immediately, bringing the can closer to examining it. I read the label on it in disbelief. Not only was Esme's plant dead, but it was now soaking up _kerosene_.

I chucked the empty can –which had been full when I picked it up- into the nearby trash can without a second thought. _Now what to do about the-_

A twig snapped behind me, and I spun around, startled. There before me stood a small squirrel. I let out a breath I had been holding, trying to brush of the little woodland animal.

"Shoo now, shoo!" It looked up at me, its tiny head cocked to the side. "I said shoo! Shoo I say!" I waved one hand in the air at it, and perhaps I shouldn't have, because it went nuts.

The squirrel _hissed_ at me, grabbing something nearby. I gawked at the small animal when I saw what it was holding.

_A match._

Now why did the squirrel have a match? I shook my head in shock, and was soon even more bewildered when it began to run toward the dead flower, dragging the match on the ground beside it.

I can't even explain how it happened, but I think the laws of nature and logic were broken when a spark flew as the match lit up.

Still standing in utter disbelief, the narcotic squirrel –whose name I later learned was Franky Frankhiemerjackenson (Who names a squirrel) - threw the lit match as my kerosene soaked plant, causing it to burst into flame.

It hissed at me before it ran off as I stared at the burning flower.

The front door opened, and in panic I quickly attempted to put out the small fire.

_By sitting on it._

Apparently, Esme smelled smoke, and ran around the corner of the house, flustered.

"Carlisle! Smoke! Fire! House! Vampires! Us! On Fire! Hurry!" She began to scream and run around the garden, trying to find the fire's source. After a few minutes of a fruitless search for the fire, Esme came up to me, almost glaring.

"Carlisle….."

"Y-Yes love?" I stammered, shaking slightly.

"Where's my pansy?"

"I AM NTO A PANSY!" Jasper shouted from three stories above.

"JASPER! GET OVER HERE!" Alice yelled back at him, causing both Esme and I to flinch.

"NEVE-GAH!" The sound of a struggle floated through the window, and both my wife and I looked up in time to see a shoe being thrown out the window.

"Erm, nevermind that." I gulped; Esme never ignored a fight between anyone in our family, unless of course, I was in trouble.

Which, obviously, I was.

"Er…"

"Carlisle, why was there a fire?"

"Fire? What fire? There was no fire!" I chuckled nervously, praying to whatever gods there were that Esme would not light me on fire.

"There was too a fire."

"A fire? Pssh, there never was!"

"Honey, your pants are on fire."

_So that explains why it was uncomfort- _"YEE-OW!!!!"

* * *

**Random Cullen conversation discussing chapters. These pop up sometimes.**

Jasper: Wow, his pants were on fire.

Carlisle: THAT HURT!

Jasper: Well OBVIOUSLY!

Esme: Jasper! Don't speak to your father like that!

Jasper: Well so-rry!

Esme: Excuse me?!

Bella: FRANKENHIEMERJACKENSON?! WHY DOES THAT NAME APPEAR EVERYWHERE?!

Carlisle: Come Esme! To the bat cave!

Esme: The bat cave?

Jasper: Bat cave?

Edward: Bat Cave?

Bella: I don't even want to know…

Carlisle: Heh…..heh……


	27. PIE PIE PIE!

_**-This chapter was random, but it was really fun to write!-**_

**PIE PIE PIE!**

**Kate: Once upon a time-**

**Kirs: KATE! WHAT THE HELL!**

**Kate: I'm telling a story, shut up.**

**Kirs: Don't you tell me to shut up!**

**Kate: I JUST TOLD YOU TO!**

**Kirs: -slaps Kate-**

**Kate: Oh no you di-in't! –lunges at Kirs-**

**Kirs: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! What the crap?! –punches Kate in the face-**

**Kate: -slaps Kirs-**

**-Kirs and Kate sit up and begin to slap each other, repeatedly-**

**-Jasper walks by the room, wide-eyed-**

**Jasper: o.O WTF?? –grabs Kate and Kirs by the back of the neck and holds them up in the air as they continue to scream at each other, then sets them down again-**

**Jasper: WOULD YOU SHUT UP?!**

**Kate: NEVER!**

**Kirs: -jumps up behind Jasper- WHAT. –lands on the ground and jumps up behind Jasper again- THE. –lands and jumps again- CRAP!**

**(AN: Since Jasper's **_**so**_** tall, and Kirs is **_**so**_** short, all you can see over his shoulder is her head.)**

**Edward: -walks by room- Okay then… -turns and runs away-**

**Kirs: GET BACK HERE EDWARD! –runs out of room after Edward, a girly scream -Edward- can be heard-**

**Jasper: -turns back to Kate- Are you sure you're not related, or clones, by any chance?**

**Kate: -shifty eyes- Like I'd ever tell you!**

**Jasper: Er, I'm just gonna go now. –runs out of room looking for Alice-**

**-Kirs has cornered Edward, who is now sitting on the floor yelling-**

**Edward: Find a happy place! HAPPY PLACE!**

**Kirs: Don't you like pie? I mean, you look more like an apple pie kind of person….but ya never know!**

**-Kate walks into the hall and stands next to Kirs-**

**Kate: Wow, you scared him, nice work:)**

**Kirs: Just doin' my job!**

**-Kirs and Kate continue debating on whose job it is to scare people, and what kind of pie they like-**

**-Bella walks into the room, and looks down at Edward, who's sitting in the fetal position, sucking his thumb-**

**Bella: Oh my god! What did you do?!**

**Kirs: Your little **_**'boyfriend'**_** here doesn't like pie! I mean honestly, who doesn't like pie?!**

**Kate: PIE PIE PIE! PIE!!! ****I LIKE PIE! (AN: Don't you just love **_**The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy**_

**Bella: -puts her hands on her hips and glares down at him- Honestly Edward, who doesn't like pie?**

**Emmett: **_**Pie**_**? Did someone say**_** pie**_

**-Kate pinches the top of her nose as Kirs looks up at the towering seventeen year old standing next to her-**

**Kate: Yes Emmett, somebody did say pie.**

**-Emmett's smile fades as he realized who had just spoken. He then has a terrified look on his face when he realizes it is Kate-**

**Emmett: Hey! You're the girl that makes us give out hugs!**

**Kate: -starts to examine her fingernails- Don't you know it………**

**-Kirs still realizes that Bella is in the room. She smiles and walks over to her-**

**Bella: I mean seriously Edward! There's apple, blueberry, blackberry, cherry- **

**Edward: Bella, WILL YOU SHUT UP?!**

**-Everyone looks at Edward. He was glaring up at Bella from the floor-**

**Bella: YOU DID NOT JUST TELL ME TO SHUT UP!**

**Edward: -under his breath- I think I just did.**

**-Bella stands there, astonished. Edward gets off from the floor. He is still glaring at her-**

**-Bella rolls up her sleeves-**

**Edward: Ah crap……..**

**-Bella chases Edward out of the room, leaving Kate, Kirs, and Emmett alone-**

**Emmett: I gotta go find Rosalie……… –he runs down the hall-**

**Kirs: Whoa, serious déjà vu there!**

**Kate: Tell me about it……………………**

_0o0o0o0o0o0o_

**Kate: Don't **_**you**_** like pie?**

**Jasper: not really…**

**Kate: EXCUSE ME?!**

**Jasper: PIE! I **_**love**_** pie! Pie is awesome! HAHAHA!**

**Kate: I thought so! ;)**

**Kirs: Jasper! You can't eat!**

**Kate: Aw Kirs! Don't ruin my fun!**

**Kirs: But he can't eat!**

**Kate: -glares-**

**Kirs: Just saying the obvious! –Jasper mouths 'thank you' to Kirs-**

**Kate: -kicks Kirs-**

**Kirs: OW!**

**Kate: God, smart people always ruin all my fun! Stupid smart people…with their brain….and their knowledge… and their……smartness……and… SMARTITUDE!**

**Jasper: Wot da bloody hell?!**

**-both Kate and Kirs give Jasper a strange look-**

**Jasper: Uh, nothing, ya know….I think I'm gonna go get Edward to give out hugs now! –runs away….**_**really**_** fast-**

**Edward: -runs by, screaming- BELLA! WHAT THE FREAKING CRAP?!**

**Bella: Why. Don't. You. Like. Pie?!**

**Edward: Because!**

**Bella: Because why?!**

**Edward: BECAUSE!**

**Bella: BECAUSE WHY?!**

**Edward: BECAUSE!**

**Bella: God frammit Edward! Why don't you like pie?!**

**Esme: -randomly walks by the room holding a pie-**

**-Edward looks at Esme in horror, the other girls all smile-**

**Esme: Hey kids! I heard you all talking about pie before, so I made some! –holds a pie pan with….something **_**moving**_** in it.-**

**Edward: Esme, what is that?!**

**Esme: It's pie!**

**Kirs: Er, ok….**

**Kate: KIRS! IT'S MOVING! IT'S FREAKING MOVING! IT'S MOOOOOOOVING!!!!**

**Esme: -glares at Kate- What did you just say? –looks stern and an American flag comes out of no where, just like those superheroes in those corny cartoons- No one! And I repeat NO ONE. –glares at Kate again- Will swear when ESME is here! SUUUUUUPER ESME!**

**-Kate, Kirs, Edward, and Bella all stare at Esme with an O.O expression-**

**Esme: Now…your punishment! **

**Kate: -starts to shake and hides behind Kirs-**

**Edward: -mutters under breath- Is to eat this pie…**

**Esme: Is to……GO SIT IN THE CORNER!**

**Kate: -starts to laugh- Oh wait, you were serious?! –screams and runs to the corner, running into the wall and falling over, passed out cold-**

**Bella: I think you're friend there needs some help….**

**Kirs: We tried to get her help…but she bit me. –rolls up sleeve to show bite marks-**

**Bella: Geez! –takes another look at the dead Kate and take a few steps closer to Esme and Edward-**

**Esme: ALRIGHT! Enough about the deranged, crazy, dead girl who needs our help! –smiles sweetly- Now who wants some pie?**

**Edward: I – IIEE!!! –screams like a girl and jumps into Bella's arms, almost knocking her over- BELLA! BELLA! THE PIE IS-IS…MOVING!**

**Bella: Edward it's a pie, it's no- Oh my god it is!!! –screams and wheezes for breath when Edward wraps his arms around her neck-**

**Kirs: Uh Esme….it's kinda, you know…moving?**

**Esme: -smiles- Oh I know!**

**Kirs: Good lord! Evil vampire mother- ESME!**

**Esme: What is it now?!**

**Kirs: Wh-wh…! –points at pie with a shaking finger- There's a chicken in it! A LIVE CHICKEN! AND A PAN! A FREAKING FRYING PAN!**

**Kate: -wakes up and screams, walking over- EVIL FRYING PAN!**

**Bella: -falls over, still wheezing for air- Can't….breathe…..Edward…off!**

**Edward: -sucking his thumb and in a fetal position sitting on Bella-**

**Emmett: -randomly walks into the room and sees Edward on Bella and smiles- Oh, is it sit on Bella day?**

**Bella: -wheezes- Emmett……no……**

**-Emmett sits on Bella with Edward, and Bella's face begins to turn blue as she tries to scream-**

**Esme: -ties Kate and Kirs to chairs, trying to get them to eat the pie- C'mon girls! Eat the pie I made for you! –takes a fork full of pie-that's bubbling- and tries to get Kate to eat it-**

**Kate: Oh my god, the inside's PURPLE!**

**Kirs: -screams to skies- GOD HELP US!**

**-Hero music begins to play randomly, and through the open door you see Kirs and Kate's friend Kat running down the hall in slow motion-**

**Kirs: -looks at ceiling- WHY?! WHY'D YOU SEND HER?!**

**Esme: -holds fork near Kate's mouth- Eat my pie!**

**Kate: NO! –looks at Kirs with a 'HELP ME!' expression, Kirs just shrugs-**

**Kirs: Don't worry; Kat'll be here soon…eventually….**

**Kat: -still running down the hall in slow motion with the hero music still playing, Kat trips and goes flying forward-**

**Kat: -standing up as music stops- I'M OK!**

**Kirs: GET. OVER. HERE. NOW!!**

**Kat: I'M COMING!**

**Esme: -still trying to get Kate to eat the pie…thing- EAT THE PIE!**

**Kate: NO! –opens her mouth to yell and Esme shoves the pie in-**

**Kate: -face turns green and begins to choke-**

**Esme: There now, it's not so bad now is it? Is it?**

**Kat: OHMIGOD! –points to the corner- IT'S JASPER!**

**Jasper: -starts to claw at the wall- GET ME OUT OF HERE! SANTUARY! SANTUARY!**

**Kirs: RUN JASPER!!!!!**

**-Jasper's eyes get big as Kat smiles at him- **

**Jasper: OH, NOT ANOTHER ONE!**

**Kirs: JASPER! IF YOU WANT TO LIVE, I WOULD RUN!**

**-Kat started to drool as she stares at Jasper-**

**Jasper: Got it! –Jasper runs out of the room, Kat on his tail until Kirs screams-**

**Kirs: Here Kitty Kitty Kitty!**

**Kat: But I wanted to see Jasper! **

**-Kirs glares at Kat and Kat pouts and walks over to Kirs-**

**Esme: ANOTHER VICTIM!**

**Kat: Ok Esme, drop the fork and step away from the pie.**

**-Esme looks at Kat, and smiles-**

**Esme: Sure kid**

**Kat: DON'T MAKE ME SHOOT YOU! And what is that?! –Kat points to a blue hand on the floor-**

**Kate: Oh, that's Bella**

**-Kirs kicks Kate in the shin-**

**Kate: OW! WHAT THE CRAP!**

**Kirs: Shuddup Kate!**

**Kate: DON'T TELL ME TO SHUT UP!**

**Kirs: I didn't tell you to shut up, I told you to shuddup. There's a difference**

**Kat: Oh, yeah, wait…….where was I?**

**-Kirs tries to pinch the top of if her nose with her fingers, but remembered that she was tied to the chair-**

**Kate: Oh, just give me a sec. –Kate starts to glow, and tore through the ropes-**

**Kirs: WHAT THE CRAP?! –before getting pie stuffed into her mouth. She spit it our right away, knowing that it was radioactive now.-**

**Kat: WOAH!**

**-Emmett gets off of Bella, and stares at the now glowing Kate in awe.-**

**Jasper: Wot the bloody hell? –Jasper walks back into the room-**

**Kirs: WHAT DID I TELL YOU JASPER!**

**Jasper: You know what, I DON'T FREAKING CARE!**

**Kirs: I wouldn't have said that if I were you. –Kate helped Kirs from the chair. Esme stood in the doorway, terrified.-**

**Kirs: KAT! NO! **

**-Kat starts sprinting after Jasper, her arms open for a hug. They ran out of the room.-**

**-Kirs looks around the room, and realizes that the only ones in the room were her, Kate, Edward-still in a fetal position, and sucking his thumb- and the still blue Bella. Esme was no where to be found-**

**Bella: EDWARD! GET OFF OF ME!**

**Edward: -shaking- P-pie! THE PIE IS GOING TO GET YOU! AHHHHH!**

**-Bella grunted, and her hand twitched. Her middle finger stuck up in the air.-**

**Bella: FOR THE BLOODY FIFTIETH TIME, GET OFF OF ME!**

**Kirs: Geez Bella!**

**-Kate kicks Bella's hand, and Bella's hand starts to twitch again-**

**Edward: Is the pie gone?**

**-Kirs checked an imaginary watch on her wrist-**

**Kirs: Edward, the pie has been gone for a while now.**

**Edward looked confused, and then shot up.**

**Edward: BELLA! BELLA! I AM SO SORRY BELLA!**

**Bella: It's………ok……Edward. –She was wheezing, trying to get air back into her lungs.-**

**Kirs: You alright Bella?**

**Bella: I'm fine. **

**Kate: Where's Kat?**

**-Alice randomly walks in the room-**

**Alice: OH MI GOD. We need shoes. OH MI GOD. Shoes. Shoes. Shoes.**

**-Edward, Bella, Kirs and Kate glare at her-**

**Edward, Bella, Kirs and Kate: ALICE! SHUT UP!**

**Alice: YOU DID NOT TELL ME TO SHUT UP!**

**To be continued………………………………..**


	28. Hiya!

**Aloha reviewers! Happy October 1****st****! Yay!**

**Jasper: Yay…**

**Meh. :P**

**I know how much you all hate Author's Notes, and don't worry, I do too. So yeah, okay…**

**I have plans for upcoming chapters, and I want you to vote on what you want to see next. Here's the options:**

**1. ****To Toronto! **_The Cullen's take Bella with them when they go to Toronto, causing mayhem and trouble all along the way. Based off my vacation._

**It's based off a vacation I went on with my parents back in August, and it'll be in eight parts, taking up 8 chapters basically. **

**2. ****A Thrilling Night**_Jasper wants to plan a surprise party for Alice, but wants to find a way that she won't be able to find out about it until BAM! Party Time!_

**3. ****The Past Comes Back to Bite **_While cleaning up the basement, Esme stumbles upon a box filled with memories from her human life. Some good, some bad, and some that make her wish she had died falling off that cliff. _**(More drama-y)**

**4. ****Edward' Secret Fear **_Edward's had this fear since nearly the dawn of time. What could it possibly be?_

**5. ****Sisterly Bonding**_Esme's had it up to here with Alice and Rosalie's CONSTANT fighting and decides it's time for some- you guessed it- sisterly bonding!_

**6. ****Operation G.E.A.F.B.S.W.C.H.H.**_Ah, the chapter that was supposed to be up a long time ago….I'm not telling what it's about…yet._

**7. Babysitting Buddies! **_Bella's been hired to baby sit some kids for the weekend, and sadly, Edward will be out hunting, so she won't see him for awhile. **(:'() **Of course, Emmett just so happens to offer to help out. _

**So that's the list, and please remember to vote so I can update soon! Thank you!**

**-Kate, and Mr.-Oh-My-God-Will-You-Just-Shut-Up-Kate… Jasper!**

**Jasper: HEY!**


	29. How Kate Gets Her Ideas

**Do sit here reading this story with a 'WTF?' expression on your face?**

**Jasper: Yes.**

**Do you ever stare at these chapters are go: 'Wot da bloody hell?'**

**Jasper: Yes.**

**Do you ever sit here, look at these and try to make sense of whatever it is that's going on in that big empty space that we call Kate's head?**

**Jasper: Yes.**

**Do you ever sit here and pray that Jasper will shut up?**

**Jasper: Ye- Hey wait a minute!**

**-duct tapes Jasper's mouth shut-**

**Now that we've finally gotten what's-his-face to shut up, I'd like to tell you all why you're really here. If you go back and have answered 'Yes' to **_**any**_** of the above questions, you might want to stay here a little longer. (And yes, I know that you voted on the chapter you want to see next, but I figured I'd give you guys **_**something**_** to read while you wait. Oops.)((If you're **_**really**__**really really**_** bored you can go check out the new one-shot –**_**You Were Meant For Me**_**- I put up. It's sad if that's the kind of stuff you like to read. Someone asked me to make it more than a one-shot. Um, let me finish some of my other projects first Mkay? Mkay.))**

**Let's move on now.**

**So seeing as you answered yes to any of the above questions, you probably want to know why I even asked them. And I'll tell you why.**

**You sit here and wonder 'How to bloody hell do these people come up with these?' Well, A. Kirs doesn't come up with these, I do. And B. It's K****irs****, not Kris, just to clear it up for you. As for **_**how**_**, um…**

**I don't really know.**

**They just come to me I guess. I mean, if you really want to know, then here's a list of some of the things I do for inspiration and to fight writer's block.**

**--Listen to music, not just one genre, but a whole variety. Sometimes they can inspire……chapters, parts of a chapter, or even a whole story –like my **_**Love and Memories**_** for example.**

**--Read a book. Now don't go stealing any parts of it, but feel free to get ideas from it. For this, I don't recommend **_**Twilight**__**New Moon**_**, or **_**Eclipse**_**. Sure you may be writing a fanfic for **_**Twilight**_**, buuut some of the ideas you might get have already been published in a novel. (Same goes for any book you're writing a fanfic for, don't read that novel) If that makes any sense.**

**--Keep your mind occupied with something else. Sometimes if you have writer's block, it doesn't help to dwell on your story. Try thinking of other things, also keeping your body and mind occupied. Sometimes inspiration can come at the randomest times.**

**--Read some other fanfics for ideas. Now don't go stealing someone else's ideas, but see what's already been written and what hasn't been. Try to see what people like to read or don't like to read.**

**--Talk to people close to you, who have preferably read **_**Twilight**_** or have read your stories. They'll know what you're talking about and can help you out. See Kirs is really helpful and supportive, making fun of my and my non-existent life. :P But still, she's an awesome person and a great friend. Seriously though, try talking to your friends, and see what kind of stuff they look for in a story, something that makes them laugh, or something that they'd like to see.**

**And one the top things I use to come up ideas.**

**--Talk to you readers/reviewers. Ask them what they think, want they want to see next. (Like a poll, post one and let the people vote! XD)**

**Well, that's all I've got for now, maybe it'll help some of you out if you need it. I'm not saying it works for everyone, but these are just some of the things I use.**

**Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to finish the next chapter, which hopefully will be up soon. Come on Jasper!**

**Jasper: MMM-!**

**Ah yes, the duct tape. Now if my readers don't mind, Jasper will be giving out hugs right now, just because I said so. And as an added bonus for not handing out hugs to you guys in the last few chapters, Jazzy here will be giving you five each.**

**Have fun and happy writing!**

**-Kate**


	30. Babysitting Buddies Part I

**30 CHAPTER! WAHOO!!!!!!!**

**So many votes…so little time… The most voted for story was-**

**Jasper: -yawn- I have the most boring job in the world.**

**Um…Jasper, you don't **_**have**_** a job.**

**Jasper: ………Shut up.**

**Babysitting Buddies!**

**:D**

(Bella's PoV)

It couldn't possibly that bad, right? Watching three –or was it four? - kids for a couple hours. See, originally, that was the plan.

_Until the unthinkable happened._

Edward had to hunt, Esme was out at Home Depot, which was her second home, and Carlisle was at the hospital, taking care of some idiot who decided it'd be funny to climb a tree and then jump off it, onto solid pavement of course. Alice and Rosalie had gone out shopping, and Jasper had decided to follow his wife, and I'll never forget what he said before he ran out the door.

(Flashback thing)

"_I'm only going with her for one reason and one reason only."_

"_Why?"_

"_I don't feel like being in credit card debt for the rest of my life."_

(End of flashback thing)

So that obviously meant that all of the Cullens were out for the day.

_All but one that is._

Emmett. The vampire who seemed to have no life outside his video games, wife, grizzlies, and Jeep. The vampire who just _had_ to annoy the heck out of me. The vampire who just _had_ to make funny of me at any given moment.

The vampire who just _had_ to volunteer to help me baby-sit.

First, I have no breakfast, I have a bad headache, and now, I had a ninety year old who acts like a two year old.

This was _so _not my day.

0o0o0o0o0o0

"So are we there yet?"

"Good lord Emmett, for the tenth time in the past thirty seconds, _no_."

"'Good lord'? You should like Edward when he sees me wearing one of Rose's outfits."

"I-WHAT?! Too much information Emmett…._Way _too much information."

"Um, well…."

"'Um, well….' nothing! I really _did not_ need to know that!" Emmett turned to look at me again, and opened his big mouth, again.

"Are we there-"

"Emmett, we've been out of the house for only five minutes, and we're not even a quarter of the way to Mrs. Johnson's house, do you _think_ we're there?"

"Kinda, sorta, not really." I drew a quick breath and glared at him.

I could tell this would be a pretty eventful night, and we'd only been walking in silence for only a minute before Emmett spoke again.

"Bell-"

"Emmett, if you can be quiet for more than 10 minutes, I'll buy you a Wii, some new games, a house in the Bahamas and a new car." To my surprise, Emmett actually stayed quiet, and I looked down at my watch, timing him.

Ten and a half minutes later he started to talk again.

"So are we almost there?"

"Emmett, you're standing on the doorstep, I'm pretty sure we're there by now."

"Ah! Of course we are!" He smirked and went to pound on the door before I grabbed his arm, quickly pressing the doorbell before he had the chance to make an Emmett sized fist in the Johnson's front door. He smiled down sheepishly while the front door opened, revealing a frazzled looking midget person type thing. She blinked up at us, trying to push her hair out of her eyes, and squinted through her glasses.

"Can I help you?"

"Yeah we're here to-" I started to talk and was then interrupted by her.

"Oh! You must be Bella!" She pointed to me and then to Emmett. "And you are?"

"Count Dracula." I quickly elbowed him in the ribs, wincing when I hit him.

"Oh alright Count, come in, come in." She ushered us in, slamming the door behind us, and locking in. When she noticed my nervous expression she just waved her hand in the air, smiling. "That's just to keep out the bugs and unwanted dust particles. Did you know that you can cut down on dust by nearly ten percent if you lock the door?"

"Um, no, I didn't know that. I also don't think that's true."

"Nonsense!" She screamed at me, scaring the crap outta Emmett. "So are you ready to meet my little muffin-kins?"

"Sure…." _Muffin-kins?_

She nodded and turned her back to us, hollering up the stairs.

"OH SNICKERDOODLE-UMS! TIME TO COME OUT FROM THE COOKIE JAR!" Emmett and I exchanged nervous glances, muttering something along the lines of '_what the crap?_'

There was a loud bang and three kids ran down the stairs like puppies, running each other over. They stop at the bottom of the stairs, staring at us in awe. Mrs. Johnson smiled and walked over to her kids.

"Ah, here we are, my little pudding-plumps!" She patted the smaller kid on the head, smiling wide eyed at us. "This little gum drop is my youngest, Alum." The little looked up at us and smiled mischievously. "And here is Ginger, my little gingersnap." She chuckled as the girl stared at us and rolled her eyes. "Lastly, we have my oldest and only little boy, Sage." The boy cocked his head to the side, staring at Emmett.

"You're tall." The little boy said to the gigantic thing beside me.

"Uh, thanks kid."

"He's name is not _kid_, it's _Sage_. S-A-G-E. Geez mom, why do ya hafta hire all the stupid ones?" The girl with freckles and frizzy red hair just like her mother's. Mrs. Johnson didn't even seem to notice and merely patted her daughter's head as she stared off into space.

"Ah, aren't they just the sweetest little sugar plumbs you've ever seen?" She smiled again, and she was really beginning to remind me of Stuart's mother from _MADtv._

"Er-"

"Well, best be off! I must leave now, but please watch after my dear apple blossoms as if they were your own!" She smiled with a dazed look and wandered toward the door.

Ginger, Alum, and Sage quickly followed their mother as if she was magnetic. Besides, I think she had magnets imbedded into her kids from the way they were constantly next to her. It was pretty creepy to watch them move in exact unison with each other whenever their mom moved. But that's beside the point.

"Ok- Um, Mrs. Johnson? Where are you….." I trailed off a bit as she walked out the door and into the yard, completely by passing the car, and walking right into the street. I quickly ran to the still open door and saw her walking down the street in a daze, singing god knows what to herself. "….going?"

Confused I turned away closed the door, spinning the face the children.

_Who were gone._

"E-Emmett?" I spoke, my voice shaking. "W-Where are you?" There was a thud in the other room which caused me to jump. There was a noise behind me, which caused me to jump even higher.

"Hello." I let out a small scream and spun around the stare down at the youngest of the children.

"Oh! You startled me!" I tried to smile sweetly and bent down to her. "You're Alum right?" She nodded, smiling back at me before she opened her mouth and yelled.

"TEAM G.A.S. UNITE!" My eyes widened and I took a step back.

"Wh-"

And then I found myself on the floor, being sat on by a small group of children.

_This was so not worth 5 bucks an hour._

_------------_

**So….you like? It's only Part 1, mostly because I wanna try n' update faster, but I wanna know if you guys like it so far.**

**Jasper: Ah, I remember that time Alice got me into credit card debit, took me nearly five years to pay it off.**

**Um, that's nice. I guess.**

**Jasper: Oh, so I have to be interested in your stories, but when it's my turn, you just don't care? -sobs- WHY?!**

**Woah! O.O Uh, there, there Jasper, I'm sorry….I didn't mean it.**

**Jasper: Really?**

**Sure.**

_**(Emmett's giving out hugs! WOOP WOOP!)**_

**Oh, before I forget to say this:**

**Alum, Ginger, and Sage are all the names of spices, just incase you didn't know that. And the Team G.A.S. thing is their first initials, I just thought it was funny, and that's how they'll be referring to themselves, as Team G.A.S. or as G., A., or S.**

**And Mrs. Johnson's personality is like the exact same thing as Stuart's mother from **_**MADtv**_**. (He's hilarious by the way! XD)**


	31. In Addition to a Broken Heart

**Just a random addition, but still, had to add it. Besides, I was bored, and wrote this in all of maybe 10-15 minutes. Feel free to skip over it, but if you skip...um... **

**Ahem. So what if when Edward decided to leave Bella, she was, oh gee, I don't know……having certain, er, issues_?_**

**In Addition to A Broken Heart**

(Bella's PoV)

"Bella, we're leaving." Edward said, looking me dead in the eye. Just as I was about to plead with him, something almost as horrible Edward breaking my heart happened.

_I had my stupid period._

I was pretty sure I stood there with an utterly confused beyond all belief expression on my face, but whether it was from it was Edward's blunt statement, or the fact that I just randomly started to bleed, I wasn't sure.

0o0o0o0(5 minutes later)o0o0o0

"Bella? Bella did you hear me?" His expression turned worried as he continued to watch me, trying to gauge my reaction. I took a deep breath before speaking to him.

"Oh god. No, no, no, no!" I started to shout at him, and he didn't even seem to care.

"UGH! WHY IS THIS ALWAYS HAPPENING TO ME?!" At this, Edward took a step back away from me. "COME ON!" I shouted again, glaring at him.

As you can tell, I was obviously in a bad mood.

"GOD! WHY?! WHY GOD WHY?!" I screamed at the sky this time and Edward blinked at me.

"I CAN'T BELIVE THIS! SOME BIRTHDAY THIS IS!" His eyes widened when I hissed at him, and he started to twitch a bit.

"Bel-"

"DON'T INTERRUPT ME EDWARD! I'M TALKING!" I was fuming now, and began to pace the small area.

"Why? Why does this always happen? Am I that ugly? Huh? Am I? Is it because I'm stupid? Fine! I'll admit it! I cheated of Jack's spelling test in second grade! SECOND GRADE! I'm sorry I'm not perfect! I'm sure Lauren or Jessica would love you! They practically drool on you all the time! Or how about Angela? She doesn't love you but whatever! I'm just making it up as I go along! How can you do this!? How can you hate me?!" I started to cry, and I don't even understand why the heck I did. Edward's mouth hung open.

"Bella, I'm sorry, but we have to go. It's for the best." I didn't even hear him and went on with my rant.

"Oh god, I know why you're leaving!" I spun around to glare at him, eyes wide. "It's because I'm FAT isn't it?! ISN'T IT!?"

"Er, no, Bella you're not fat-"

"DON'T LIE TO ME EDWARD! I DON'T LIKE BEING LIED TO!" He sighed and stared walk toward me.

"Listen, Bella, you're obviously not yourself right no-"

"Oh no, of course I'm not! I'm just clone #892! LIKE YOU CARE!"

"B-"

"EEEEEEDDDDDDDWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRDDDDDD!!!!!!" He flinched and took a step back from me.

"EDWARD! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!"

"Yes Bella I-"

"EDWARD!" I was whining with him now. He sighed again and tried to hug me.

"Yes lo- I mean, Bella?"

"I- Wait! You were going to call me 'love' weren't you?! WEREN'T YOU?!" I gasped at him and stared to sob again. "YOU DON'T REALLY LOVE ME!!!!"

"Bella, of course I do… I just-"

"No! You don't love me! You wanted to leave!" I continued crying for what felt like forever and he wrapped his arms around me.

"Bella, shh….I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that." I sniffled, and nodded into his chest.

"Ok………………I need chocolate."

"Oh, alright. Might I ask why?"

"HELLO! Chocolate solves _EVERYTHING_!"

_In short, Edward Cullen never left Forks, so everyone can relax._

_

* * *

_

**Oh the joys of complete boredom and the desire for chocolate. Which I really wanted. Badly. Now.**

**But I'll settle for a review. ;-)**


	32. Crazy Cullen Halloween Special

**Haha, I really have to try to work on the rest of Babysitting Buddies, but seeing as it's Halloween, I've decided to write……..**

**A HALLOWEEN SPECIAL!!!!**

**Woo yeah.**

**Jasper: 'Woo yeah?'**

**WOO YEAH!**

**Jasper: Okay then.**

**MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH-**

**-Jasper grabs duct tape-**

**Jasper: Shut. Up.**

**MMM! HHHMM!!!!!**

**Jasper: Exactly.**

**A Crazy Cullen Halloween Special**

'_When ghosts and goblins by the sort, ring the bell on your front door, ya better not be stingy or your nightmares will come truuuuee!'_

"Alice, shut it off before I shut it off _for_ you."

"Aw Rose, you have no sense of humor!"

"Sure she does, she married Emmett didn't see?"

"Ye- HEY!"

"And it took him what, five seconds to realize I insulted him? That's a new record for you Emmett." I paused before walking out of the bathroom, not quite sure I wanted to walk right into the middle of a free-for-all between Emmett and Jasper. _Maybe after Edward comes down I-_

"BEEEELLLAA! Come out come out wherever you are!" I groaned. _Stupid Alice….stupid stupid…._

_Alice is not stupid._

_Oh god, Frank's back!_

_Don't you know it! And FYI, the name's Frankienhiemerjackenson. Frank Frankienhiemerjackenson._

_And now it pretends its James Bond…..wonderful._

_It's lovely dah-ling._

"BELL-A! Get your scrawny little butt out here! NOW!" I groaned again, taking one last look at myself in the mirror before slowly opening the door. Startled, I screamed when I say Alice jumping up and down in the now open doorway. "BELLA! FINALLY! You were taking forever!" She smiled brightly and grabbed my wrist in a vise like grip, dragging me into the living room, exposing my 'vampire mistress of the dark' costume to the Cullens.

"Arr matey!" I shrieked as Emmett jabbed at me with a fake pirate hook. "Gotcha!" Rosalie rolled her eyes at this, smoothing out the pirate costume she had….Rose-afied. Esme smiled at me from the couch, playing with the name tag clipped to her scrubs.

"Oh Bella, you look lovely." I felt myself blush and looked down, mumbling my thanks. Carlisle sat down next to his wife on the couch in his doctor's uniform. Bored and still waiting for Edward to come out, I sighed and leaned against the nearby table with a weird looking ball shape on it.

"Hey, hands off the merchandise."

I screamed and jumped about a foot in the air as the table _stood up._ Calming down a bit, I began to notice something in the ball.

"_Jasper_!? What _are_ you?!" he smiled, his face blurred a little by the mist.

"_I'm_ a table." I gave him a strange look as Alice skipped over smiling as her beads jangled.

"Not just any table, he's _my_ table." She rested her arm on the table, making Jasper squat down. Esme frowned slightly.

"Actually, it was _my_ table. Speaking of which, you owe me a new dining table." Alice sighed, rolling her eyes before closing her eyes and placing her palm against her forehead..

"I have foreseen…that you will not need a new table."

"And I have foreseen… that you are not going shopping again for awhile." Esme smirked a bit as Alice gawked at her.

"But-"

"No buts gypsy!" Emmett, Rosalie, and Jasper snickered as Alice continued to glare at Esme. Trying to ease the tension, I reached my hand toward Alice.

"Here, read my palm then." She narrowed her eyes at me, sticking out her tongue.

"I'm a gypsy, not a miracle worker."

"Whatever, where's Edward?" Alice sighed, turning her head to the closet.

"Edward! You can come out of the closet now!" Emmett gasped dramatically.

"That's what I've been sayin'!" Rosalie smacked him on the back of the head as the closet door creaked open slowly. Inch by inch Edward came out of the dark closet, not looking up at us.

"Edward?" I made my way over to him, worried. "What's- Oh." I bit my lip, trying not to laugh. "I see."

"Bella." He moaned a bit and looked up, causing me to giggle a bit. Everyone else in the room began to laugh as Edward glared around him.

_Some much for the vampire myths._

Here stood my boyfriend, cape, slicked back hair, white collared shirt, and white face. Complete with _fake fangs_.

"This is insulting on _so_ many levels."

_---------_

**-types really fast- Oh my god, I'm finally done! Here's the Halloween special for ya! Hope you like it!**

**Jasper: I'm a table. A freaking TABLE.**

**Yes, so? Oh, and in case you guys didn't get it, here's the costumes:**

**Carlisle & Esme: Doctor/Nurse (Original I know)**

**Emmett & Rosalie: Pirates**

**Jasper & Alice: Table/Fortune Teller(Gypsy)**

**Bella & Edward : 'Vampires'**

**Earlier Kirs, Lyds(Our friend) and I came up with the Halloween Special #2. Be sure to look for it! It's sure to be funny!**

**Mwahahaha!**

**HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!**


	33. The Awesomish Idea!

**Dang, you guys are probably mad that I'm not updating faster and all, but ha. I'm not.**

**Hey wait a minute.**

**Regardless of what the heck I just said, I came up with an idea……..an awesomish idea…………-smiles evilly-**

**Jasper: Your last awesomish idea was sending Alice to the moon, and yet she's still there.**

**Ah yes…… :)**

**(Flashback thingy, cuz I know you just love them. ;))**

"Hey Alice?" I said, glancing down at the small pixie like vampire who was glaring at the Tim Gunn on his show 'Tim Gunn's Guide to Style'.

"Oh please, Emmett's foot has a better fashion sense than this guy. SOPTS AND STRIPES DON'T GO TOGETHER PEOPLE!"

"Alice."

"I mean honestly. Look at him! He looks like a deranged clown threw up on a spotted elephant!" I stuck my tongue at in disgust at the image she had just planted in my head.

"That's disturbing. ALICE."

"Moving past the fact that this show should be called 'Tim Gunn's Guide to Ugliness', what's wrong?" I smiled wickedly at her.

"TO THE MOON ALICE!" One eyebrow rose in confusion as she stared up at me.

"You feeling okay there Kate?" My smile grew wider and I nodded.

"Neva betta'."

"Riiiiight……"

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"In 5………4…………3………2…………..1! AND WE HAVE LIFT OFF!" I yelled as Emmett pushed the button connected to the ignition on Alcie's rocket she was currently strapped to.

"KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE!!!!" She screamed as the rocket flew off into oblivion. At the sound of her screams, Jasper ran out of the back door.

"Kate? Where's Alice?" I stared at him wide eyed and nudged Emmett.

"Psst! Dude! The fruit bat's on to us!"

"I AM NOT A FRUITBAT!"

And so Jasper began to chase Emmett and I around the lawn as Bella, Carlisle, Edward, Esme, and Rosalie came out to watch, amused. Off in the distance way way way up there, there was a….. KABOOM!

A small figure began to drift back down the earth.

**(End of flashback thingy)**

**Jasper: The hell?**

**Kirs: YOUR FACE IS THE HELL!**

………**Wow?**

**Jasper: It's so creepy how you write these stories in only a short amount of time.**

**Yes, but they love me for it. –smiles at readers who are cringing and screaming as they sit tied to chairs-**

**Jasper: -looks at readers- I never would have guessed.**

……………

**Jasper: So you're awesomish idea?**

……………………**..Ah yes, that. Well you see my dear readers, being the deranged little crazy person I am, I have devised a plotline that even the most ingenious person could not have plotted. So to speak.**

**Jasper: So to speak English please.**

**-glares- Stupid fruit bat.**

**Jasper: -snarls-**

**Kirs: ON WITH THE PROGRAM PEOPLE! COME ON!**

**-sighs- Fine, fine. My idea was to make 'Babysitting Buddies' its own story. Instead of having two parts it would have what…..five or six?**

**Jasper: -shrugs- Don't look at me, I'm not the crazy one.**

**You just keep telling yourself that.**

**So what do you, my readers think? Would you like to see 'Babysitting Buddies' as its own story? Hmmmm?**

**Oh yeah, before I forget, what story do you want us to update next? (Please don't say Dominoes or Beach Party, I'll have to stab you with a spoon if you do. I don't wanna write them no more! Actually, I want to write Beach Party more, but I need Kirs to work on it with mw…Ho hum.)**

**So……….how's it going people? -cricket- Hello? Helllooooo?**

**Fine. Be that way.**

**Also, one of you asked for hugs, and I guess I forgot to put that at the end of my last few chapters, but after each chapter, you'll all get a hug. :) Yay.**

**I have a cute idea for the next chapter, and I still have to write out the other Halloween special…..grrr……**

**-Kate, and Jasper the fruit bat**

**Jasper: ……………I know where you live Kate.**

**No duh Jasper, no duh.**


	34. We're NOT In This Together

**I'm sorry for not updating as fast as I normally do –I'm still writing the Thanksgiving Day special! SHESSH!- and I wanna write a Christmas special too……would you guys mind if the specials were late?**

**Jasper: Estupido…**

**ESTUPIDA Jasper, ESTUPIDA. And I don't even speak Spanish….**

**Jasper: Anyways….**

**Hmmm? Ah yes…. Well, have any of you seen the movie High School Musical? No?**

**GOOD. DON'T SEE IT. IT GAVE ME NIGHTMARES. -shivers- But nevermind that. I got bored one day and Emmett and I…..well…….we……um….**

**Emmett: KABOOM!**

**Yes indeedy! We made a shed go KA-BLAMMY!**

**Jasper: Shutie!**

**You know that Microsoft Word told me that 'shutie' was spelled wrong and that it wanted to replace it was Shiite?**

**Emmett: You mean it wanted to say shi-**

**No Emmett! Shiite! Not shi-**

**Jasper: We get the point.**

**Thank god. So as I was saying before, if you've seen HSM, then you'll know this song. It's to the tune of "We're All In This Together". **

**I hate that song.**

**So Emmett and I blew up a shed, and we were put in jail for it, so I wrote a song. Completely changing most of the lyrics, it should be recognizable. Oh, and if you play the actual song, you can sing my lyrics, it sounds really funny, trust me, I sang it.**

**I now give you…..**

**We're **_**NOT**_** In This Together (It's All Your Fault)**

_**Enjoy.**_

Hey cop, hey cop, I'm talking to you  
Hey cop, hey cop, come on and let me out  
Hey cop, were you the one who arrested us  
Hey cop, I'm begging you, I have a doughnut

Here and now its time to break out  
I finally figured it out  
That this jail, smells real bad  
And Emmett's singing

Everyone of you needs to help us out  
We made a shed blow up  
We're sorta sorry  
We're special and we're sorry  
In this cell's not where we belong

We're not in this together  
it's all your fault  
That we are  
in this cell  
And you see that  
We're not in this together  
And it shows  
When cops come  
With their guns  
That we're in trouble

Hey cop, hey cop, yeah you  
Hey cop, hey cop, come on let us out  
Hey cop, will you please let us out  
Hey cop come on I'll give you cash

We're both here  
and speaking out with at the cop  
We're going to blow up the shed  
The shed's on fire and it's Emmett's fault  
The cops scream and they shout

We've arrived because we're stuck together  
They handcuffed us

We're stuck in this together  
it's all our fault  
That we are  
in this cell  
And you see that  
We're both in this together  
And it shows  
When cops come  
With their guns  
That we're in trouble

We're both in this together  
When we yell  
They get mad  
'Cuz outside  
Kirs's comin' and  
We're all in this together  
Once we see  
There's Kirs  
And she's here  
But she looks mad

Come on, help us out  
Yeah, you, I'm talking to you  
Please, jail is scary  
There's a guy over there  
He's been giving me looks  
And I want to kick him  
Emmett has to hunt  
And I don't want to die  
Time to let us out now

We're both in this together  
Cuz the cop  
is coming  
And we need you to help  
We're stuck in this together  
And it shows  
That are afraid  
Hurry now as  
the cop runs in

We're both in this together  
Cuz the cop's  
arrested us  
Help us please  
I'm begging you  
We're both stuck here together  
Let me out  
and Emmett too  
And we won't make  
things go BOOM

For readers everywhere  
Kirs's here to save our dairy air  
The cop's not here, so please  
Hurry and get us out-

**_THANK YOU KIRS!_**

**------------**

**Didn't you love it? Seriously, did you?**

**-Ashes123- and a few other people should recognize this. ;)**

**:D Sorry for not updating faster!**

**-Kate**


	35. Spleens

**_IMPORTANT!! Babysitting Buddies is now officially it's own story! Go check it out!! Wooooo! _**

**HAHA!**

**Jasper: The hell?**

**Kirs: YOUR FACE IS THE HELL!**

**Jasper: Who are you?!**

**Kirs: I AM……….JEBUS!**

**Jasper: Don't you mean-**

**SHUT UP.**

**Kirs: GRR!**

**Jasper: ……………And we thought Edward was bad when he was PMSing…**

**Edward: HEY!**

_**Disclaimer: We no own Twilight, or SNL Celebrity Jeopardy, no matter how funny it is. Nor do we own the 'Moonlight' episode "Doctor Feelgood". **_

**Spleens**

Kirs and Kate were walking down the hallway at school after a very _interesting_ Biology class. Kate was staring off into space as Kirs frowned at the ground.

"Hey Kirs," Kate said after a few minutes. "What's a spleen?"

"Were you paying attention at all during class?"

"Like you're the one to talk, Sleeping Beauty."

Kirs growled, but sighed.

"No. I don't know what a spleen is."

"Oh." Kate said, as they continued their walk down the hall. "Then you know what this means."

"No, what?" Kirs looked at her scared. "Are you having another……" She glanced around. "Dark period?" Kate smiled.

"Not this time, but blowing that car up was fun."

"You blew up a cop car!"

"And the siren went whee-whee-whee all the way home. But whatever. What do we do when we're on a quest to answer a question that we can't answer without questioning said answer of the question?"

"Ask a teacher? Is this a trick question?" Kate smacked her forehead.

"Oh my god…..No. We ask….." She smiled evilly. "THE CULLENS!"

"Uh, I don't think Edward will tell you where babies come from again."

"What? NO! I already know they fall from the sky! Duh! TO THE KATE MOBILE!"

"The Kate mobile?! You can't even drive yet!" Kate narrowed her eyes.

"Says you." Kirs gulped.

"Lord have mercy."

_At the Kate Mobile….DUN DUN DUN_

"Are you……are you freaking….are you serious?!" Kirs yelled, pointing at the Kate Mobile. "WE CAN'T STEAL THE _PRINCIPAL'S_ CAR!"

"Like she'd notice. But that's not the Kate Mobile, it's not awesomish enough. _That's_ the Kate Mobile." She said, pointing at something behind the shiny car.

"Where? Is it behind that rusty crappy looking bike type thing?"

"HOW DARE YOU! The Kate Mobile _IS_ the rusty crappy looking bike type thing!" Kirs shook her head, and walked over to it.

"And how are we both supposed to ride this thing?"

"You're going too? Since when?" Kirs shook her head again.

"You need supervision, no more accidentally stealing nuclear warheads."

"THAT WAS ONE TIME! THAT WAS ONE FREAKING TIME!"

"The one time where you almost blew up the country."

"I know." Kate smiled innocently.

"Whatever, let's just go find out what a spleen is from the Bio teacher. 2nd Period starts in two minutes."

"Pssh. Please. Either we go now or never."

"So were skipping school." Kate smiled evilly again.

"Perhaps."

Kirs sighed. "Fine. Let's go."

Kate smiled, and got on the bike. Kirs sat on the handlebars, and they were about to take off when they heard something behind them.

"HEY! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!"

Kirs and Kate turned to see Kat standing at the front door of the school, a smile on her face.

"Uh, nowhere." Kirs yelled back. Kate slapped her.

"We're going to ask the Cullens what a spleen is." Kate yelled. Kat smiled hugely, and started to walk toward them.

"OH GOD, NO! Kate, go! Go Kate!" Kirs screamed as Kat came closer to the bike.

Kate smiled, but started to pedal toward the street, leaving Kat in the parking lot looking sad. Before they made it out though, Kate crashed into the shiny car that was the principal's, leaving a nice big scratch.

"That's for telling me that my mind's all screwed up! I'm NOT CRAZY!" Kirs started to shake on the handle bars.

"Please Kate, just don't crash again or kill anyone, please." Kate shrugged.

"Fine, I won't……………On purpose." She muttered under her breath.

_On the sidewalk………somewhere in Forks_

"Gas mileage….going….down….losing altitude…..can't….breathe!" Kate panted, trying to pedal up this huge hill that had magically appeared in Forks.

"Just keep pedaling! There's the house!"

"Almost….there…..can't go…..much farther!"

"YOU CAN DO THIS! WE BELIEVE IN YOU!" Kate nodded, and finished pedaling toward the house before crashing into Carlisle's car, and leaving a huge dent there. The alarm went off. Startled, Kate jumped off the bike, letting Kirs fall on her face on the driveway along with the bike. Kate got up and ran, running into the Volvo, and flying onto its windshield, setting off its alarm.

"What the hell!" Kate mumbled, before passing out on the car.

Kirs stood up, shaking her head. "Kate." She said, shaking Kate's shoulder to try to wake her up, but gave up when Kate started to drool.

"WHAT THE POOH BEAR!" Kirs heard from inside the house, and yelped, crouching down behind the car. Kate's hand was limp, and kept getting in Kirs's face. Kirs soon got annoyed, so she grabbed Kate's arm, and threw her behind her, now waking Kate.

"SON OF A-" She started to yell before Kirs stuck a hand over her mouth.

"EDWARD CULLEN!"

"Esme! What?!"

"WHO DID YOU KILL WITH YOUR CAR?!"

"_WHAT?!?!??!"_

"Just look at the windshield! Either you hit someone or a big fat bird crashed and then flew away!" At this Kate's face grew red, and she shot up right in front of the Cullens.

"I AM NOT FAT!" Kirs slapped her forehead, and soon stood up next to her friend.

"SON OF A-"

"PEACHES AND CREAM!" Lyds yelled as she randomly skipped by. Kate glared at Esme.

"How dare you call me fat! How dare you call me fat! You, you….BI-"

"KATE!"

"WHAT!?"

"Shut up, let me handle this."

"Well you know what-"

"No! I do not want to know what! Just shut up, sit down, and let me do my job!" Kate opened her mouth to retort, but was hit in the head by a frying pan. Kate closed her eyes, and fell to the ground.

"What the………Oh well." Kirs shrugged, turning back to the Cullens and smiling nervously.

"Hello everyone…….again……Kate just wanted to ask a question." Kirs said.

Carlisle looked at Esme who looked at Jasper who looked at Alice who looked at Rosalie who looked at Bella who looked at Edward who looked at Emmett, who was just staring off into space.

"No! I will not tell her where babies come from! Again!" Edward threw his hands up in the air.

"Uh, not that kind of question." Kirs said.

"So?" Esme asked.

"Uh…." But then it started to pour randomly, and Esme smiled weakly at Kirs.

"You better come inside." Kirs nodded, and started to follow Esme into the house before Bella spoke up.

"Um, should we get a doctor for her or something?" She pointed at Kate. Kirs waved her hand dismissively.

"Nah, she'll be fine."

"Oh….OK." With that, they all walked into the house, leaving Kate half-dead on the ground, and Lyds randomly skipping by yelling 'PEACHES AND CREAM!' over and over…..and over…..and over.

_In the house_

The Cullens went on to their daily activities, leaving Kirs alone in the living room with Bella. Bella smiled at her and Kirs gave her a weird look.

"So….Kirs. What's your question?"

"Ok……Yeah, um….." She took a deep breath. "What's a spleen?"

Bella frowned. "A spleen? Well……. A spleen is……….A spleen….It…..Um…" She sighed. "Just go ask Edward."

"Oh, ok." Kirs said, and walked over toward Edward and the piano. She sat down.

"Hey Edward, what's-" Edward stopped abruptly, slamming on a few of the piano keys.

"For the last time, I am _not_ telling you people where babies come from!"

"NO! That's not what I need to know!" Edward blinked at her. "I need to know….what's a spleen?" His face brightened at her.

"Finally! Someone else is taking an interest in music!"

"What?"

"Well a spleen is this handy little tool that you can set on your piano to tune it. If your spleen's all screwed up, then the hell with your piano." He smiled, going back to the piano, admiring his 'spleen' sitting on it.

"Edward, that's a tuner. A _tuner_." Again he slammed on the keys. He turned to glare at her.

"No. That's a spleen."

"Tuner!"

"Spleen!"

"TUNER!"

"SPLEEN!"

"TUNER!"

"SPL- You know what! Forget it! Go take you and your _tuna_ thoughts and go ask Alice!"

"_Tuner_. I don't like fish!" Kirs turned on her heel, walking up the stairs to Alice's room.

_Back outside_

Kate's eyes opened and she stood up, soaking wet. She glared at the hood of the car. "Stupid shiny Volvo owner!" She yelled at it, kicking the fender, setting the alarm of again. She screamed, covered her head with her hands and ran toward the house, screaming,

"IT'S COMING FOR YOU! AHHH!!!"

_Up in Alice's room_

Kirs reached up and knocked on the door leading to Alice and Jasper's room, a.k.a. The mini-Mall and The Dungeon of War Stories (that no one wants to hear).

"Yes?" Alice asked from the other side of the door.

"Hey Alice?" Alice opened the door, smiling up at Kirs. "What's a spleen?" Alice smiled wider.

"Oh! Glad you asked! I have a pair in my closet!"

"You….what?"

"Come on! I'll show you! You'll love them!" She grabbed Kirs's arm, pulling her into the room and dragging her to the closet.

"Here they are!" She said after a few minutes of digging through the closet. She pulled out a pair of expensive looking knee high boots. "Don't you love them?"

"Alice, they're boots. Not spleens." Alice lowered her arms, frowning.

"Nu-uh!"

"Uh, yeah."

"Nu-uh!"

"YEAH!"

"NO! GET OUT! GET OUT!" She started screaming, shoving Kirs out of the room and into the opposite wall as she slammed the door closed.

"Alrighty then, time to ask Jazzykins." She said, and started walking toward the study/library.

_In the front hall_

"Secret, agent man! Duna duna nun!" Kate was singing, trying to sneak around the front hall in broad daylight. "Secret mission, super secret, gonna be such a super secret that can't nobody," She took a deep breath before shouting, "KKKKNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW!"

Humming to herself, she started walking up the stairs to Carlisle's study.

_In the library with Jazzykins_

Kirs found Jasper sitting in the big chair at the end of the room, a nose in a book. Kirs sighed. _As usual_. She thought to herself. She smiled hugely, and walked over to him.

"Jasper?" Kirs asked.

Jasper looked up.

"What?"

"Um, I just wanted to know what a……a…..what's a spleen?"

Jasper looked up at her confused. Kirs sat in the chair opposite him, awaiting the answer. Sighing, he set down his book and turned to face her, his expression serious.

"During the war,"

"Oh god not another war story." Jasper frowned.

"Do you not like my war stories?"

"No, no! I like them!"

"Good, then shut up and listen."

"Fine." Jasper shook his head, but continued anyways.

"Anyways, during the war, many times there were nights where we didn't have much food or supplies," He shook his head solemnly. "So we had to resort to…" He trailed off a bit as Kirs leaned forward in her chair. "Eating spleens."

With a look of disgust, Kirs jumped back in her chair. "Ew!"

"They were very disgusting, made you want to vomit every time you ate one."

"You were more bloodthirsty in the past then you are now! What's wrong with you?!" Jasper ignored this. "Where'd you get them anyways?"

Jasper shrugged. "One of the men always had this box with him, had a couple of spleens in it that box did."

"But where did _he_ get them?"

"I don't know, why don't you go ask him?"

"But I can't!"

"Of course you can't! HE'S _DEAD_!" Kirs shot up, still disgusted by his creepy story, and decided to go ask Rosalie instead.

_In the hall outside Carlisle's study_

"DUNA NUNA NUNA- BATMAN!" Kate yelled, rolling down the hall toward the old vamp's study. "Abbie doobie!" **(AN: S.N.L., Celebrity Jeopardy, Adam Sandler.)**

When she finally stopped rolling, she found herself at the door to Carlisle's study. She reached for the doorknob, pushing the door so it flew open.

"COME TO THE BACK OF THE BOAT!"

Carlisle looked up from his work, giving Kate a blank look.

"Come to the….what?"

"WHERE ARE YOU?! You said 'GO' and you wagered 'FOR IT!' GO FOR IT! And you certainly did didn't you?!"

"I have no idea what in god's name you're talking about."

"HA! That's what she said!" And with that, Kate slammed the door behind her.

_In the front hall_

Kirs took a deep breath, walking up to Rosalie who was watching her with mild interest.

"Hey uh, um….R-Rosalie?" Rosalie blinked.

"What do you want?"

"Nevermind! I'll go ask Emmett." Before the blonde vampire could scare the poor teen anymore, the girl took off down the hall toward the game room.

_Back in poor Carlisle's study_

"WAY TO GO!" Kate yelled, running over to the bookcase. Carlisle just stared at her.

"Um, what?"

"Point to your own head!"

"Sorry?"

"Will this hurt if you put it in your mouth?" Kate questioned, turning to Carlisle, brandishing a glass dove.

"Kate! Put that down!" He yelled, running over to her and grabbing the bird. "Don't touch this!"

"Boy you might be legally retarded!" She screamed at him and just sat down on the floor. "For the love of god shut your mouth!"

_In the game room_

"Hey Emmett?" Kirs asked, standing in front of the television.

"Hey! In the way! YOU ARE IN THE WAY!" Emmett held the controller, moving his head so he could see.

"Oh, sorry." Kirs said, getting out of the way so that the vampire could get back to shooting people.

Kirs rolled her eyes as she called his name again with no response. But her eyes did come to the television plug.

Kirs bent down and pulled the plug. The zapping noises ended, and she stood up from behind the television to see Emmett pouting up at her.

"TV go dark."

Kirs rolled her eyes.

"Emmett, I need to ask you a question." Kirs said, sitting beside him on the couch.

"Okay, shoot." Emmett said, putting the controller on the table.

"What's a spleen?"

"Oh, um, well. How to start….um…" Emmett stammered. Kirs stared at him so he could finish the sentence.

"Alright. Something that people of your age could understand. Well, when a mommy cat and a dad-"

"EMMETT!" Kirs said, waving her hands in front of her. "I THOUGHT WE ALREADY HAD THIS CONVERSATION WITH EDWARD! I DON'T NEED TO KNOW WHERE BABIES COME FROM!"

Emmett looked at her confused.

"What's a baby?"

"You're kidding right?"

"No. A spleen's that thing that comes out of someone right?"

"No, that's a baby." Kirs shook her head and stood up walking out of the room. "Maybe you need to have that talk with Edward." She said as she left.

"That's a great idea!" Emmett spoke up as Edward shouted 'NO!' at him.

_In Carlisle's study_

"Letters or numbers?"

"What?" Carlisle asked the crazy girl.

"How many fingers do you have!" She yelled at him, grabbing something off a shelf. "Is this a hat?!" She held up a piece of cloth.

"No, that's a-"

"Colors that end in 'URPLE'!! What is light 'urple'!!" She cackled, running around the room, holding the glass dove.

"PUT. THAT. DOWN."

_In the kitchen_

"Esme?" Kirs walked into the kitchen to see Esme trying to bake cookies.

"Yes?" she asked, turning around to face Kirs.

"What's a spleen?"

Esme soon looked angry.

"YOU WILL NOT USE THAT LANGUAGE IN MY HOUSE!"

"But I-."

"'BUT I' NOTHING YOUNG LADY! DO YOU WANT ME TO CALL YOUR MOTHER?!"

"Anything but that!"

"Fine, BUT NEVER USE THAT LANGUAGE IN MY HOUSE EVER AGAIN!"

Kirs ran out of the kitchen before the suicidal vampire could call her mother.

_In Carlisle's study….AGAIN_

"DO DO DO! DA DO DO DO! DOOO DO DO! DO! DA DO DO! DO!" Kate sang, waving her arms over her head. Carlisle looked up at her from the floor where he was crouched, picking up stuff she was dropping.

"What in god's name? Are you mad woman?!" Kate froze, her back turned to him. Terrified, Carlisle watched as Kate's head swiveled around.

"_What. Did you call me?" _She hissed at him, Carlisle stifled a cry. Kate was about to attack him when Kirs sprinted into the room.

"Down Kate! BAD GIRL! BAAD!"

Kirs held out a spray bottle, and sprayed her in the face. Kate hissed, and flew her arms around, almost hitting Kirs in the face.

Kate soon sat down beside Kirs, and started to calm down.

Carlisle got up from behind his desk to look at them. Sitting down, he faced the two girls, almost shaking.

"So, um, Carlisle…" Kirs started to say, glancing at Kate who was smiling at the scared vampire.

"Y-yes?"

"What. Is. A. Spleen." She said through gritted teeth. "Everyone keeps giving me a different answer! TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IT IS!" Carlisle blinked at her.

"Why didn't you just ask the doctor then?" Kirs blinked at him. Kate started bashing her head against the desk.

"Ask the doctor! Doctor! Doctor Feelgood! HELLO!"

Kirs shook her head as Carlisle started talking, pulling out a medical dictionary.

"Spleen….Ah yes, here we are. Spleen: 'a ductless vascular organ in the left upper abdomen of humans and other vertebrates that helps to destroy old red blood cells, form lymphocytes, and store blood'." After his explanation, he looked up at the girls to find them with blank looks. Kate had a hand on Kirs shoulder.

"Blood, you'd like that wouldn't you?" Kirs glared at him. Kate shook her head.

"It's ok Kirs." Kirs growled and stood up, walking toward the door. Kate looked Carlisle in the eye.

"No seriously, what's a spleen?"

--------------------------

**MWAHAHA!**

**Jasper: What the hell was that about?**

**Kirs & Kate: Spleens. Duh.**

**Kirs: Mr. Warlord!**

**Kate: Nee ner, nee ner!**

**Jasper: What?**

**Kirs: Kate no. No more Celebrity Jeopardy! NO!**

**Kate: -evil grin- **

**Jasper: -blink- Hey! I so do know what a spleen is!**

**Kirs: Do you now Commander CANNIBAL!**

**Jasper: I resent that……….**


	36. Fangirls

**Yes, I know I haven't updated in awhile, I'm lazy, what can I say? And as another special little added bonus I went sledding with my friend and being the lucky little person I am, I got hurt.**

**Can you saw ow?**

**Ok, ok, let's move on now…..I have a funny chappie for yous. :)**

**Fangirls**

_DUN._

"Did you hear that?" Esme whispered to Carlisle who was sitting at his desk going over reports from the hospital. He nodded slowly.

_DUN._

Alice jumped, falling onto her bed beside her husband. Jasper dropped his book in surprise. She turned to Jasper, eyes wide with fear and saw her look masked on his face.

"Oh no."

_DUN._

Rosalie stopped and turned to Emmett, who was lying on the bed, watching his wife dig through her closet.

"Rosey?" He looked up at her worried, oblivious to the '_DUN_'s outside.

_DUN._

Edward pulled away from Bella, quickly scanning around their meadow.

"Edward? What is it? What's wrong?" She grew anxious as she drew closer to him, his head still swiveling as he looked around. "Edward?"

"We have to run."

"Wh-"

_DUN._

He scooped up the confused human, and took off as fast as he could toward the Cullen house.

_DUN._

The Cullens had gathered in the living room, pulling the blinds over the large window. Carlisle started pacing, ignoring Alice as she yelled at the un-cooperating curtain.

"Jasper, where are they? They should have been down here five minutes ago." He did his best to keep his voice level, but it was evident that he was terrified.

"I, I don't know." Jasper spoke quietly. "I thought Bella and Edward were out at the meadow." Rosalie spun around quickly, staring at Jasper.

"You mean they're _OUTSIDE_?!"

"Wel-" He was cut off by an eardrum shattering scream followed by a yelp of shock from Edward. Esme screamed as well and ran to her husband.

"They're…they're…" One word was all it took…

"_Fangirls."_ Emmett spoke in a creepy cryptic voice as everyone went into a panic.

_DUN._

"AUGH! GET AWAY FROM ME!" Carlisle screamed, clutching the tree limb for dear life as they began to claw for him, screaming like banshees. One of the girls –a blonde- screamed again, nearly crying with joy.

"I TOUCHED HIM! I TOUCHED HIS HAIR!" The red head girl next to her shoved her as all the other girls backed away, watching the fight.

"NO! I DID!" Yelled the blonde.

"NO I DID!" The red head shrieked.

"I DID!" The blonde screeched.

"I DID!" Some other girl yelled to them as she clung to Carlisle's arm. A high pitched shriek of fear filled the air as the other girls ran closer, proud of their 'I Heart Carlisle Cullen' shirts. Another high pitched shriek was heard as Carlisle slipped, letting go of the branch and falling into the sea of Carlisle Fangirls.

"MUMMY!" He cried.

_DUN._

"BACK! STAY BACK YOU FOUL BEASTS! GO BACK FROM WHICH YE CAME!" Emmett kicked at a girl, hitting her in the face.

"HE KICKED ME! EMMETT MCCARTY CULLEN KICKED ME IN THE FACE!" She squealed, clutching her eye as a bruise formed.

"_Oooh_! KICK ME! KICK ME!" They all began to yell as the other girl backed away, still clutching her face. Emmett withdrew his foot from their clutches, trying to climb higher into the tree.

"KICK ME!" "KICK ME TOO!" "AND ME!" They began to shout, jumping up and down in their 'I Heart Emmett Cullen' shirts. Emmett smiled to himself.

"I'll kick you all the way from here to…" His eyes narrowed dangerously, "_QUÉBEC_!" He yelled down at them, ready to kick the nearest one in the stomach.

Before he even had a chance to kick any of them, the branch he was currently sitting on snapped under his weight, and he was swallowed into the sea of Emmett Fangirls.

_DUN._

"BACK DEMONS! BACK I SAY!" Jasper screeched down at the girls, terrified. "Go hug Mike or something!"

As he said this, all the girls stopped jumping up and down, a disgusted look on their faces. One of them finally spoke up while the others began to make gagging noises.

"Are you for real? He's like….."

"EEEEEWWWWWWWW!!!" They all yelled, making the exact same cringing motions in unison. Jasper shivered, gripping the branch even tighter.

"THERE HE HIS!" Another one shouted, pointing at the nerdy little ……_thing_ dancing through the trees, singing.

"_I'm bringing sexy back, yeah…_" A vast majority of the girls screamed as the remainder passed out or died of fright. "You are SOOO not!" A small one shouted.

"GET HIM!" They cried as a few hundred charged at him.

"_I'm_…_bringin'_….._sexy_….._back_…" He trailed off as he saw a wave rushing at him. "EEEE!" He squealed, turning to run a bit too late.

"YOU'RE BRINGING _UGLY_ BACK IS WHAT YOU'RE DOING!"

The rest of the girls toward back the blond trying to hide in the tree. "JAZZYKINS!"

"Just. Go. Away." He spoke through clenched teeth, glaring down at the girl who was the ringleader of the group.

"NEVER!" The girl –whose name was Kat- stomped her foot indignantly. "We will not leave until we got what we came for!"

"And what," Jasper blinked. "Would that be?" Kat titled her head toward the ground giving Jasper a scowl-like look.

"_Your soul_." Jasper's eyes widened as he hissed softly, terrified. His eyes grew to saucer size as a horrifying snap sounded behind him.

"Have mercy!" He cried as he fell into the mosh pit style group.

_DUN._

Whimpering, Edward whirled around, scanning the sea of fans behind him as he found himself corner. (Well, technically he wasn't cornered, seeing as he was up against a wall of the house, but if you were about to pee yourself out of fear, then…….actually, I forgot, nevermind.)

Panicked, he spun around, scared out of his wits. He flattened himself against the wall as hundreds of thousand of 'I Heart Edward Cullen' Fangirls fanned out around him, blocking his escape route.

"EDWARD! I LOVE YOU!" They all screamed at the terrified vampire, unseen tears of fear flowing down his face.

"Please….DON'T EAT ME!" One of the girls in the first row put her hands on her hips, glaring at him.

"_EAT_ YOU?! Why the heck would I eat my _future husband_?!" At those words he froze, he beautiful pale face looked even paler.

"…………_WHAT?!_" He shrieked at her, his voice going up an octave.

"Nevermind that!" Someone else yelled, stepping in front of Edward. "GET HIM NOW! SAVE THE REST FOR LATER!"

"I don't even wanna now," He said as the girls leapt at him.

_DUN._

(Back in the house)

"I CAN'T DO THIS I CAN'T DO THIS!" Rosalie screamed for the tenth time as Alice and Bella continued to dig through the closet, Esme paced nearby. "I CAN'T-" As she was cut off, Bella and Alice stopped digging, and looked up.

Esme had just _slapped_ her oldest daughter across the face. Rosalie, Alice and Bella all stared at her in shock.

"ARE YOU MAD WOMAN?!" Esme adjusted the hat she had grabbed after ransacking Jasper's Civil War trunk –something _no one_ was _ever_ supposed to go near. "THIS. IS. A. WAR. No get your act together or so help me I'll send you out there _by yourself_!"

Rosalie just continued to stare at her mother.

"_Am I clear?!"_

"Sir yes sir!" She yelled, saluting her mother and backing away. Esme nodded, and walked back over to the window, and started telling some made up war story to the girls.

"It was the summer of '98, we were all trapped out in the cold desolate forest of Mars. For three days we ate nothing but rock soup. Many men died of the lack of oxygen…." Rosalie half-ran half-flew toward her sister(s).

"Is it too late to get a Jail Free Card out of this place? I almost peed myself when she threatened to bomb the house." Bella whispered to Alice, who was shaking her head.

"Just stay low and act like you know what you're doing."

"But I don't _know_ what I'm doing!" Before Alice could open her mouth to retort, Esme spun around, brandishing a fully loaded rifle.

"But Jasper said not to-" Esme held to gun tightly, ready to fire, and narrowed her eyes at the door.

"LET'S DO THIS."

_DUN._

(Back outside)

In the Cullens front yard, the Fangirls were having a field day nearly tearing their crushes limb-by-limb –literally.

Carlisle jumped toward his tree again, the low branch just out of his reach.

Emmett was busy trying to kick the girls, only for them to retaliate and jump at him again.

The only visible sign of Jasper was his arm waving feebly above the crowd of girls surrounding him, and soon his arm was swallowed.

Edward was no where to be seen, but the Fangirls keep pouncing on one another, attempting to dig through the others to get to the poor boy.

Amidst the shouts and screams a loud _BANG_ was heard as Esme fired the shotgun up in the air.

This caused everyone to stop moving, and for the thousands of fans to turn and face the crazed vamp.

"Now that I have your attention…" She spoke sweetly, then yelled, "GET OFF MY LAWN YOU HOOLIGANS!" She fired a few more rounds into the air, and by the hundreds the girls took off, screaming.

"GIVE IT BACK!" Emmett yelled, hopping toward one of the girls in front of him. "Give me back my freakin' leg!"

"NEV-!" The girl began to shout before she was tackled by Emmett. He grabbed his leg back trying with all his might to stick it back on.

Standing next to Esme and observing all this, Bella looked faint, as if she might puke. Alice and Rosalie shook with fear beside her.

Still yelled incoherently, Esme kept firing into the air until her front lawn was clear of Fangirls.

"Emmett!" Rosalie screamed, running over to her husband as he reattached his leg. "Emmett!" She said again, collapsing on the ground next to him and showering him with kisses.

"Jasper?" Alice said, looking around for the poor blond. He lay on his back, not far from his tree, his clothes torn. A note with lipstick marks was laying on the ground next to him. "Oh Jasper!" She ran over to him, helping him up.

Esme blinked, and set down her shotgun, and ran over to her own husband. Carlisle hung upside down from a tree in a daze, muttering groggily. She kissed her his forehead, and pulled him down.

Bella stood alone, looking for her own boyfriend. "Edward?" She said feebly, shaking. "Edward…?"

A muffled reply came from a few yards away. She walked over to the pile of siding, shingles and other debris, searching for the boy.

A hand shot out from under it, grabbing her ankle. Stifling a cry, Bella bit her lip, looking down at the pile as the rest of Edward followed his hand out of the wreckage. Bella covered her mouth with her hands, startled.

Edward stood before her, shaking his head to get dust, dirt, and what not out of his hair. Bella smiled weakly before wrapping her arms around him.

"I thought we'd lost you for a minute there. You inside one minute, and the next…" She trailed off, taking in the battlefield that had been the Cullens front lawn. Edward smiled, kissing the top of her head.

"Don't worry about it Bella, it'll hurt our brains less." Bella 'hmph'd at him.

"Are you calling me-"

"No, no Bella! I didn't mean that!" He stammered apologetically. "I just meant that……no one knows how they got here…..or who they are." Bella rolled her eyes and just nodded.

"Fine then, let's go help Lieutenant Loony Tune with our fallen soldiers." Edward shrugged and followed Bella over the grouping of the other vampires. Alice was holding a shaking Jasper in her arms and rocking him back and forth.

"It's ok Jasper, Alice's here, it's ok." She repeated over and over to her poor husband.

"They….they wanted…_my soul_…." Alice nodded, shooting a smirking Edward a warning glance.

"Are they ok?" Bella whispered to Edward. "I mean they look pretty beat up…" Edward nodded slowly.

"You should've seen them last time."

"What do you mean _last_ time?! It's happened _before_?!"

* * *

**And now, a random conversation between the Cullen family discussing this chapter...**

Jasper: My soul……they wanted to steal…

Alice: _-holds Jasper-_It's ok Jazzy, Alice is here, everything's ok.

Emmett: Rosy! My leg! It's backwards!

Rosalie: _-rolls eyes-_ Not again… _-bends over to help Emmett fix his leg-_

Carlisle: Evil evil evil evil EVIL!

_-everyone gives Carlisle a blank stare-_

Carlisle: Well they were.

Edward: They tried to eat me. Eat me.

Bella: Oh Edward. _–hugs Edward tightly-_

Esme: _-holds shotgun-_ THIS. IS. WAR.

Carlisle: _-blinks-_ Esme dear, the war's over.

Esme: NO IT AIN'T! WE AIN'T DONE GOT STARTED!

_-everyone takes a step back, wide eyed-_

Carlisle: Esme, put down the gun.

Jasper: _-gets up-_ Hey! That's mine! I told you not to-

Esme: _-shoots Jasper-_

Jasper: What the h-e-double toothpicks did you do that for?!

Esme: -screams like a banshee- DIE! TRAITOR! _–shoots Jasper again-_

Esme: _-glares at the author- _YOU! IT'S YOUR FAULT!

Author: Wha-?

Esme: _-shoots at author-_

Author: IIEE! HIT THE DECK! _–flattens self on floor-_

Carlisle: Esme….calm down now. _–hugs Esme-_

Esme: _-smiles, close eyes and drops gun-_

Jasper: _-lunges to catch gun-_ Got- -_gun goes off in his face-_ It. Ow.

Alice: _-smiles and hugs Jasper-_

Rosalie: _-hugs Emmett-_

Bella: _-hugs Edward-_

Author: Aw, such a loving hippie fest...

(Ah I loved the whole 'This is war!' Esme during the story… hehe…)

Thank you.


	37. Wah EW

**EW! EW EW! EW EW! EW! EW EW EW! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!**

**Jasper: ………….Wow.**

**ARGH! EW EW EW!**

**Jasper: Might I ask what 'EW!' is?**

**NO YOU MAY NOT!**

**Jasper: Then I won't.**

**BUT YOU ALREADY DID!**

**Jasper: Not really.**

**YES YOU….DIDN'T!**

**Jasper: -gawks at Kate- That's what I just said!**

**I KNOW! JUST…..EW!**

**Jasper: What's 'EW!'?!**

**I……I……**

**Jasper: -stars looking scared- You what? Y-You killed someone? Why are you 'EW!'?**

**I'M NOT 'EW!'! I just…**

**Jasper: You just….what?**

**I just… -mumbles incoherently-**

**Jasper: Sorry? I didn't catch that.**

**I….**

**Jasper: You…**

**Have….**

**Jasper: Have…..**

…………**..writersblock.**

**Jasper: You Have Withers Lock?**

**-glares- No, I… IHAVEWRITERSBLOCK.**

**Jasper: I still didn't get that.**

**I. HAVE. WRITERS. BLOCK.**

**Jasper: Oh. Is that bad?**

**-starts seething- Are you kidding me?! DUH IT IS! I don't know what to write for the next C.C.C. chapter!**

**Jasper: -glances through Kate's Word Documents- Um, you have about 5 different chapters going at the moment…**

**Yeah, but one was supposed to be a one-shot, one I was going to write for my friend (and it was also a one-shot), and I don't know…… -looks at readers-**

**If I post a funny one-shot, would you guys actually read and review it, or would you just dismiss it as nothing?**

**I mean really though, I'm kind of sick of being proud of something I've just written only to get a review only telling me to update soon.**

**But I really shouldn't complain about getting reviews now should I? **

**What I'm really looking for is some honest feedback on my new story "Forget Me Not". I'm not trying to sound like I'm posting an ad, but I seriously need feedback on it….please?**

**Seriously though, if you guys can help me critique it/edit it, then I can promise you like, a bazillion hugs from every single Twilight character you want to hug you.**

**And that means a Jacob hug for you ****BloodIs4luvXEcBs**

**Crap, now I feel bad because this isn't even a real chapter and I've pretty much been just and ad right here. :/**

**Well, since I'm being an ad, you can go vote on the poll on our profile or in our forum, your pick. -shrugs-**

**Jasper: -shakes head- Way to be an ad there Kate.**

**Shut up, or Kat'll steal your soul.**

**Jasper: But I like my soul!**

**Ha, that's what she said.**


	38. The Other Unimportant Author's Note

Alright. This Chapter here used to be filled with a long rambling little letter like... thing.  
I decided to get rid of it, because it had nothing to do with this story, and was utterly useless.

I will admit that posted a few things on here to get people's opinions on them, but I got what I needed and took them down.

In the last Author's Note I said I was suffering from Writer's Block. (Or as one of my past teachers called it, 'A lack of information.')

Right.

I still have a lack of 'information', and writer's block.

I'll try to see if I can come up with any ideas to post next, hopefully soon.

I'm out.


	39. eBay

**I have a love for Weird Al'****s music, and since it gave me inspiration for a new chapter, I decided to go with it. I think it's safe to say I've started to come out of my little writer's block rut. :-)**

**eBay**

(Bella)

I swear I really did not want to know why Alice had sounded so excited over the phone. Nonetheless I went over. Why?

I don't really know why I went over to tell you the truth.

Maybe it was seeing Edward that compelled me. Guess I'll never know.

But yes, I went over.

I'm never going over again. Ever.

0o0o0o0o0o

Really though, it's not like I wanted to see this, but fending off a four foot ten vampire that can lift a truck, well, that wasn't really something I'm able to do. _Yet._

Although she didn't have to shove me up the stairs either though.

Alice grabbed my arm, nearly throwing me into Edward's room.

I swear I squeaked as I collided with Edward's couch.

_That's funny_, I thought as I picked myself up off the leather. _Where's the bed Edward had almost tried to force me in?_

**(WOAH! Slow down there and get those kinds of thoughts out of your mind! This is a **_**clean**_** fanfic! Only meant he was trying to force her to sleep in it! Not with him!)**

I shook my head, looking around as the lock in Edward's door shut. I heard some shuffling around in the closet.

Curious, I reached for the knob.

_To find it locked._

"Hello?" I mumbled, knocking on the door gently. The noises stopped, someone snickered, someone groaned, another one whimpered and the last one said,

"No one's in here! Shoo!"

A bit startled, I took a few steps back, walking away.

"BELLA!" Alice dashed into the room, grabbing my arm. "Why are you trying to open Edward's closet?! And why are you in his room anyways?"

"But Alice! You-"

"No buts! Let's go!" She shouted at me, almost throwing me down the stairs to Esme. I let out a small shriek, which was answered with an insistent banging on some door.

"Let me out!" They roared before being abruptly cut off. That voice….so familiar…

"Edwa-" Esme clamped a hand over my mouth, bringing me down to the basement.

_Oh god, they're gonna torture me. That's why they locked the guys in the closet! Esme, Rosalie, and Alice were going to play Barbie with me!_

_Well sorry girls, but this Barbie just so happens to have a box of matches in her back pocket for some strange reason…._

I was sure that I was hyperventilating by the time we had made it down the flight of stairs. What greeted me made me gasp.

Instead of having a bunch of boxes and other old stuff, there was some wooden stage with a curtain hanging on it, covering whatever there was behind it. Esme set my down by one of the chairs set up facing the stage, taking a seat next to me. Rosalie stood with her arms folded across her chest as Alice flicked off the lights.

There was a loud shuffling of feet and a bit of bickering as a few people darted past me. Alice laughed.

"You guys ready."

"No, but sure, if that's what you want us to say." Someone -Jasper- said from behind the curtain as the lights above the stage went on.

I blinked a few times, almost blinded. Rosalie smiled slightly, and hit a button on the radio next to her, running to sit next to Esme as Alice sat beside me.

_Yeah_

I rolled my eyes. "Oh god, not Backstreet Boys again! Please!" Alice frowned.

"Bella shush!"

The curtain parted a bit as Emmett came out, wearing nothing but a-

_A used ... pink bathrobe_

_Which he immediately threw off._ Screaming "It burns!" Esme covered my eyes with her hands, and the music shut off.

"EMMETT! PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON THIS INSTANT!" Emmett huffed, and the curtain made that swishing noise as he went behind it, earning a startled cry from the other guys. Esme sighed and removed her hands from my face, signaling for Rosalie to turn the music back on.

The weird version of the Backstreet Boys started again, and this time Emmett came out, fully clothed, holding a-

_A rare ... mint snow globe_

And-

_  
A Smurf ... TV tray_

That he apparently-

_  
I bought on eBay_

I stared at the scene before me as Jasper came out, wrapped in bubble wrap, of all things.

_My house ... is filled with this crap  
Shows up in bubble wrap  
Most every day  
What I bought on eBay_

Carlisle came out this time, holding a rock and an alarm clock for some strange reason before he too opened his mouth the lip sync.

Reluctantly, Edward came out as well, joining his gangster dressed brothers and father.

_  
Tell me why I need another pet rock  
Tell me why I got that Alf alarm clock  
Tell me why I bid on Shatner's old toupee  
They had it on eBay_

_  
_Emmett threw his hands up in a cheer as he threw a wig at Alice.

_  
I'll buy ... your knick-knack  
Just check ... my feedback  
"A++!" they all say  
They love me on eBay_

I stared blankly in front of me, a laugh building up inside me.

_  
Gonna buy a slightly-damaged golf bag  
Gonna buy some Beanie Babies, new with tag_

_From some guy I've never met in Norway  
Found him on eBay_

Edward threw a couple of stuffed animals, hitting Rosalie in the face, causing me to chuckle.

_  
I am the type who is liable to snipe you  
With two seconds left to go, whoa  
Got Paypal or Visa, what ever'll please ya  
As long as I've got the dough_

Carlisle tried to grimace behind him smile. From his pocket he withdrew some green paper, and tossed it off the stage.

_  
I'll buy ... your tchotchkes  
Sell me ... your watch, please  
I'll buy, I'll buy, I'll buy, I'll buy ...  
I'm highest bidder now_

Jasper grabbed Emmett's watch clad wrist, giving him a pleading look as Emmett tried not to laugh.

_  
Junk keeps arriving in the mail  
From that worldwide garage sale_

_A Dukes Of Hazard ashtray  
Hey! A Dukes Of Hazard ashtray  
Oh yeah ... I bought it on eBay_

Edward smiled a bit, kicking an ash tray that lay on the stage in front of him.

_  
Wanna buy a PacMan Fever lunchbox  
Wanna buy a case of vintage tube socks  
Wanna buy a Kleenex used by Dr. Dre, used by Dr. Dre_

_Found it on eBay_

Rosalie laughed, as Emmett started doing 'the fish' on the floor of the stage, causing me to burst into hysterics along with the rest of the girls.

_  
Wanna buy that Farrah Faucet poster  
Pez dispensers and a toaster  
Don't know why ... the kind of stuff you'd throw away  
I'll buy on eBay_

Alice shook her head violently as she watched her husband and brothers 'dance' to the strange Weird Al music. They all leapt of the stage and walked toward us, still lip syncing to the lyrics.

Then stopped as they approached us, each stopping before their wife. In unison, they all knelt down on one knee, as if they were proposing. They each held an arm out in front of them as the radio belted out the remainder of the song.

_  
What I bought on eBay-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y_

I fell out of my chair laughing so hard that I was crying. I covered my eyes with hands, trying to hide my tears.

"Bella!" Edward cried, pulling me up away from the floor.

"I know we were bad, but I didn't think it was that bad…" Jasper huffed as I sat back down in the chair, again covering my eyes as I doubled over in laughter.

"She's not _crying_, she's _laughing_!" Emmett yelled, laughing as well.

"So…." Alice started, standing up and smiling evilly. "Who wants to sing _White and Nerdy_?"

"NO!"

* * *

**Well, it could have been better…but that's what I get for listening to Weird Al's 'eBay' more than three times in a row.****And hey, I'm getting out of writer's block! WOO!**

**Next chapter is coming up ASAP!**


	40. A new look at a new fic

Hey! It's Kirs. This is just an excerpt from my fanfiction that kate wanted me to put up. PLEASE review!

_Sunday morning, April 3__rd__, 2019_

_Dear Diary, _

_I'm here, writing this at 4:00 in the morning under the pale light of my flashlight. Hopefully, my nocturnal parents won't walk in on me. Ha ha. _

_I haven't really thought about how I might die. My parents don't have to. But I'm not like them. I'm different. Different at school. Different from this family, almost. _

_When I say almost, I mean, almost. Immortal blood runs through my veins, but I am still human. I will always be a human. No matter what my parents might think. It's not as hard as I would have imagined, living alone, the only human in my family. _

_Oh shoot. I hear voices and footsteps outside of my door. I'll write in the morning. Promise! _

I clicked off my flashlight, and hid under the covers. I sighed as I closed the black, leather bound book in my hands, and placed it quickly on my nightstand.

As I placed my head against the cool pillow, the voices and footsteps stopped. I sighed with relief, and smiled as I finally fell asleep.

My bedroom was cold when I woke up in the morning. My eyes fluttered open, and I sat up, shivering under the cool sheets. I looked around at the light blue walls of my small bedroom, and sighed.

I pulled the covers off, revealing my Forks High School t-shirt and sweatpants. I winced as my bare feet hit the cold, wooden floor. I stood up, and strode over toward the vanity.

I sat down on the small stool in front of the vanity, and stared blankly at the pale, light brown haired girl in the reflection. Her glowing eyes matched the color of her hair, and she smiled lightly back at me as I put my hairbrush to my head.

My name is Kit Cullen. I am twelve years old.


	41. Soulja Boy

**KIRS!!**

**YOU. THREW. OFF. MY. GROOVE.**

**Besides, if you were going to post 'The Vampire Diaries', post it in its own story, 'mkay? I had a special plan for Ch. 40 of the Crazy Cullen Chronicles, and this chapter here was supposed to be it. (Just scroll down.)**

**-takes a deep breath a roars-**

**No touchy my stories! I don't touch yours, you don't touch mine! Grr!**

**-ahem-**

**FYI Readers, it would be nice if you went back to read the last chapter and reviewed it. You just might be rewarded with a Cullen hug.**

**Now that that's settled, don't mess me up any more, the remainents of my brain can't handle it.**

**I'm gonna beat you with a toaster. Rawr.**

**Now that I've gotten that off my chest, here is what I had in mind for the special ch. 40. (The **_**real**_** Chapter 40. **_**Kirs.)**_

………………**..I hate this song.**

**Soulja Boy**

(Alice)

I was so gonna kill Edward. Sure he may have already been dead, but this? This was freaking _torture_.

I whimpered again and rolled over on the bed toward Jasper, my hands covering my ears.

'_Make it stop'_ I mouthed to him. He shrugged, wincing.

(Esme)

I've never questioned my children, and I've always supported them, no matter what.

But this made me want to cry.

Seriously.

The song was stuck on repeat apparently, so the whole house was stuck listening to a man pretending to be 'Superman' to hose? I looked over at Carlisle, with a hint of pity.

My husband held fast to the dining table, his knuckles white and threatening to shatter my table into splinters.

(Rosalie)

"EDWARD! I'M GOING TO TEAR YOUR HEAD OFF, PLAY VOLLEYBALL WITH IT, BURN IT, AND THEN RESURRECT YOU ONLY TO DO IT AGAIN!!!!" I hollered at the house, glaring into Edward's room.

"Rosey…" Emmett reached toward me, but I just smacked his hand away.

"NOT NOW EMMETT." I yelled at him. He blinked, sitting back. I sighed. "I'm sorry, it's just that…..EDWARD! TURN OFF THE GODFORSAKEN SONG ALREADY!" I growled, and sat down next to my house in the garage. "Sorry, what were you saying?"

"……Can I be on your team for volleyball?"

(Jasper)

Enough was enough. If I had to kill him myself, I'd do it. I'd tear his head off. Nah, I'd let Rosalie do that. I looked over at my wife quickly, finding her in a still traumatized state.

I laid back down next to her, staring at the ceiling blankly.

_Stupid empath powers….stupid stupid….and torturous._

Sometimes being an empath wasn't so bad, like when people were happy? I was happy.

There were four instances that made this power a living undead nightmare.

1. When Rosalie is throwing a fit, I have to do my best not to snap at Alice, and any other surrounding bystanders.

2. When guys at school feel certain…..._feelings_ for other girls. If I could, I would be crying out in pain. (Lust wasn't pain exactly, but at school in front of my family and peers? I could live without going…_crazy_.)

3. When girls at school were PMSing. _Now_ that was horrible. You wouldn't believe how many times I've had to leave a classroom and just run to avoid spazzing out in class. I've even had mood swings because of those girls. (I swear to god, I never want to ask Alice if she thinks I'm fat _ever _again. Then again, I might be, but there's nothing I can do about it, she just has to accept my blubber then.)

4. Then there's times when the rest of my family feels like they're being tortured. So I'm already in pain, and then multiply that by what, seven? It's like fighting a war with myself. And I usually lose. _To myself._

_5. Or there was Bella when she was PMSing….Huh, no wonder they call me a pansy. Which I'm not._

"Oh wait, that's five. Nevermind." I ticked off numbers on my fingers, ignoring the obnoxious song for a few minutes.

"What?" Alice gave me a weird look as she sat up.

"Um, nothing." I just shook my head at her. She shrugged.

"There's one way and one way only that were going to end this battle." She narrowed her eyes at the wall.

"How so?" I rose an eyebrow at her, somewhat terrified. She looked at my trunk of Civil War supplies and then back at me.

"Alice no. No more family meetings that involve weapons. Remember the lawsuit last time?" She glared at me.

"That," She said through her teeth. "Was last time."

I gulped. This couldn't end well.

(Carlisle)

It wasn't like Alice to call a family meeting, and when she did, most of us were too terrified to stay for more than five minutes.

"So," She said once we were all seated, her words partially drowned out by the insistent rap music. "You should all know why we're here."

We nodded.

"And we all know that there's only one way to end this." She scowled at us.

We shook our heads.

Alice groaned and rolled her eyes. "Fine then. Lieutenant Loony Tune? What's your stand on this?" We all frowned at Alice, confused. It was Esme who finally understood. Nodding, she stood up, her expression serious.

"Men," She stated, nodding at us and then to the girls, "Women." The girls nodded. My dear took a deep breath, and started her little rant.

"THIS. IS. WAR."

(Later, upstairs, no one's PoV)

"Captain Cuckoo, take the left." Esme barked at Alice who nodded, dashing to the other side of the door to Edward's room. Esme tightened her grip on the shotgun, motioning for the rest of her family to come over.

"Tree Hugger, Blondie, Emo, Squirrel Boy, get over here."

"We do I have to be tree hugger?" Emmett groaned, brandishing his weapon.

"I thought Carlisle was Blondie."

"Esme, you now that squirrel was posse-"

"I. AM. NOT. EMO!" Jasper shouted at his mother and wife. He took a deep breath and leaned back, folding his arms across his chest. "But if you want me to be, I'll go hide in a corner, cry, and pretend to cut myself." Alice merely rolled her eyes.

"Fine then, _Pansy_." Jasper gaped at his wife.

"I. AM. NOT. A. PANSY!"

"Yeah Jasper, you kind-" The dispute was abruptly cut off as plaster fell from the ceiling and a puff of smoke floated away from the shotgun.

"IF YOU DO NOT SHUT UP, I WILL BE FORCED TO _SHOOT_ YOU. AM I CLEAR?!" None of them said anything, still too shocked.

"MOVE IN MOVE IN! TAKE THE ENEMY! **SHOW. NO. MERCY.**" Alice let out a banshee like screech as Emmett flew through the locked door to Edward's room. Jasper, Rosalie, Alice, and Carlisle ran in after him, letting Esme take up the rear.

Esme leapt into the room, doing a spy roll on the ground, rolling straight past the shell shocked Carlisle, Jasper, and Emmett as they stood staring at the scene before them, speechless.

Edward lay on the floor of his room, rolling back in forth, crying and muttering to himself. When he heard Rosalie's yelp, he jumped up, gazing out at the fallen door with his mouth hanging open.

"FREEDOM! I'M FREE! I'M FREE!!" He cheered, running right out of the room……and into the opposite wall. Esme motioned toward Edward with a tilt of her head, signaling for Emmett to go check on his sanity.

Alice was running around the room in circles, yelling as Jasper followed her in hot pursuit.

_Watch Me Show  
Now Watch Me Gig  
Watch Me Crank My Shoulder Work_

"SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!" Rosalie screeched, grabbing the paintball gun Carlisle was holding, and fired at Edward's precious –and tres expensive- stereo. "I HATE YOU!" She screamed, firing a few rounds at it, now coloring it blue and red.

"Bella?" Carlisle asked, slowly walking toward the young human sitting on Edward's couch with a book, absently twirling a bit of hair with her fingers. "Bella." He repeated loudly, just as Alice and Jasper both collided with the wall, knocking shelf after shelf of CD's to the floor.

Frowning, Bella looked up, pulling herself away from the magical word of Nigel Planter and the Chamber Pot of Secrets. **(A/N:** "The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy"…good times…good times…

Her frown faded into a smile as she found Carlisle standing before her. "Oh, hey."

"Bella, did you not hear that music, or did you actually……like it?" He muttered, glancing over at the now destroyed blue and red machine that was still attempting to belt out the most annoying song ever, 'Soulja Boy'. Bella gave a confused look to the vampires, gasping when she saw the assortment of weapons – a shotgun, a paintball gun, a metal bat, a rifle, the dining table, and a wooden spoon- and the multi color stereo. (Which was slowly acquiring green and yellow paint, seeing as Rosalie kept screaming and firing at it.)

"Bella?" Carlisle said again, shaking her shoulder gently as Jasper dragging a kicking and screaming Edward back into his room, only for him to freeze when he saw his stereo. Bella rose an eyebrow at the scene, and then raised a hand to her ear the remove something soft from it.

"Sorry, I couldn't hear you over the crappy rap and the fact that I had ear plugs in. Who's Lieutenant Looney Tune waging war on now?"

-----------------

**You'll be safer if you didn't ask.**

**Jasper: Please, they'd be safer if you'd just quit now.**

**-clears throat- Would you like to listen to the song again?**

**Jasper: -whimpers-**

**Aaaaannnnnddd…On another note, Kirs came up with an idea for**

"**twilightnite Chatroom".**

**It'll be awesome, it'll have all the Twilight characters and other misc. characters from our stories. But that's not the best part.**

**We –actually, I ('cause I just came up with what I'm about to add today)- want you to be part of it.**

**Yes, **_**you**_

**See us a message of what you want to say in the chapter of "twilightnite Chatroom" you're going to be part of, and BAM you'll be in our story.**

**It's gonna rock.**


	42. A Blonde's Year In Review

**Sorry I haven't updated in a while! In case anyone cares, yesterday was my half b-day! Go me! Haha, Kirs has to wait until next month…**

**This was a really funny e-mail I got from my dad recently. I thought you'd all enjoy it as we take a look at Rosalie's 'dumb blondie' side. :D**

**I'm kinda cruel by writing this, but I still thought it was kinda funny.**

**A Blonde's Year In Review**

**  
****  
January**  
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. (It was a nice scarf too…..Felt a bit like cashmere…)  
**  
February **  
Fired from my new pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!! (You'd think they'd know that by now….Geez…)  
**  
March **  
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... Box said "2-4 years!" (Jasper gave me a weird look when I told him I was finally done with it…)  
**  
April**  
Trapped on escalator for hours.... Power went out!!! (Alice started laughing at me from where she was on the ground floor of the mall. God, I was terrified on that thing!)  
**  
May **  
Tried to make Kool-Aid for Bella.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!  
**  
June**  
Tried to go water skiing down at the beach with the family.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.  
**  
July **  
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, that everyone else cheated, they used their arms!!! (EDWARD!! YOU CHEATER!)  
**  
August **  
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... Car swamped because soft-top was open.  
**  
September **  
……………...The capital of California is "C".............isn't it???  
**  
October**  
Bought Bella M&M's…….I hate them......they are so hard to peel.  
**  
November **  
Thanksgiving break I tried to cook a turkey to send back to Bella and Charlie in Forks. I baked turkey for 4 1/2 days...Instructions said 1 hour per pound _and I weigh 108_!!  
**  
December **  
Bella fell down the stairs…..Couldn't call 911. Duh.....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

0o0o0o0o0o0

Rosalie looked down at her list and nodded, smiling as she accomplished her list that Esme asked her for every year. As she walked down the stairs to had her mother the paper, she stopped an frowned.

"Wait, why am I the only one who has to write a list? This whole thing makes me look stupid!!!" She growled before stomping down the rest of the steps into the kitchen where Esme was waiting.

Rosalie threw the paper down on the dining table, startling Esme, and making her look up from the bills she was paying.

"Yes Rosalie?"

"WHY DO YOU MAKE ME LOOK STUPID?! EVERYTHING ON MY LIST MAKES ME LOOK STUPID!!! I DON'T WANT TO BE STUPID!! I AM NOT STUPID!!" With that, Rosalie turned on her heel and stormed out the room, heading for the stairs.

She let out a startled cry as she was tackled by Emmett, who was currently screaming and yelling like Tarzan.

"GET OFF OF ME YOU STUPID IDIOT!" She screeched before she jumped up and ran up the stairs. Jasper and Edward walked in, gave Emmett a weird look and then gave one another a confused look. Jasper brought his hand to his mouth and titled his head back, as if drinking a bottle.

Edward frowned and shook his head, watching Emmett as he stared at the place where Rosalie had stood.

"I think someone (Rosalie) has been spending too much time with someone else (Emmett)." He said, Jasper nodded.

"Ah, stupidity, such a contagious –and stupid- disease." Jasper sighed, walking out of the room, soon followed by Edward. Emmett continued to stare up the stairs.

"I thought that time of the month didn't happen any more…"

* * *

**Eh, not as funny as it could have been. Hope you found the list funny though.**

**I shall update again…..sometime…….eventually….**

**Um…**


	43. Dialogue

**Warning from Kate: EXTREMELY RANDOM. NO PLOTLINE OR SANITY IS MEANT TO BE DRAWN FROM THIS. You've been warned. This is all dialogue; let's see if you can figure out who's who. Wahaha. (Contains Jasper, Bella, Edward, Emmett, Alice, and Rosalie.) Have fun.**

Dialogue

"Do you like balloons?"

"Can we say random?"

"'Course we can, you we just decide not to."

"Yuppers."

"Alice please."

"Please what?" 

"Pleased to be of meeting you!"

"Emm-"

"Silence I kill you!"

"Wow, Bella, who would have thought?"

"Praise Jebus!"

"Aw Al-"

"Lordy lordy, look who's forty!"

"Edward, you're not for-"

"No, last time I checked I wasn't four."

"Hundred year old virgin, that's Edward for ya."

"Surprisingly, I find that rather insulting."

"Surprisingly?"

"Yes, Jasp-"

"SURPRISE! IT'S YO BIRFTHDAY, WE GONNA PARTAY LIKE IT'S YO BIRFHDAY!"

"BIRTHDAY! EDWARD! When were you going to tell us this!"

"My birthday's not until-"

"Dur?"

"….Dur…?"

"DUR!"

"Ah, Dur dur!"

"Dur dur da dur?"

"Dur dur dur, da dur dur."

"DUR!"

"DAD DUR!"

"What the stains on Esme's brand spankin' new carpet was that!"

"Meh, it's a lingo between Bella and Emmett."

"You wouldn't understand."

"I wouldn't want to."

"Exactly."

"Ixnay on the oopid stay."

"Quote 'The Lion King' much?"

"Mufasa, Mufasa, Mufasa!"

"I just can't wait to be king!"

"Yeah, be prepared!"

"We'll be prepared….for what?"

"The death of the king!"

"What, is he sick?"

"No fool. We're going to kill him. Simba too."

"Murderer!"

"You killed your own father!"

"Who's the brains in this outfit?"

"Uh…"

"My point exactly."

"Ooh! The little crème-filled kind!"

"What was _that_?"

"The weather- Pbbbah! Very peculiar. Don't you think?"

"Yeah, looks like the winds are changing."

"Ahh. Change is good."

"What made you come back?"

"I finally got some sense knocked into me. And I've got the bump to prove it."

"No, not the stick!"

"Slimy…yet satisfying."

"This looks like a good spot to rustle up some grub."

"What's that?"

"A grub. What's it look like?"

"Ewwwww, gross."

"Tastes like chicken."

"….Nobody knows the trouble I've seen….Nobody knows my sorrow…Nobody knows…"

"Oh, Zazu, do lighten up. Sing something with a little more bounce in it."

"It's a small world after all…"

"NO! No, anything but that."

"…I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts. There they are just standing in a row. Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head."

"LUAU! If you're hungry for a hunk of fat and juicy meat, eat my buddy Pumbaa here, 'cause he's a tasty treat, come on down and dine, on this tasty swine, all you gotta do is get in line, are you achin'-"

"Yup, yup, yup."

"For some bacon?"

"Yup, yup, yup."

"He's a big pig."

"Yup, yup."

"You can be a big pig too. OI!"

"Life's not fair, is it? You see, I... well, I shall never be king. And you... shall never see the light of another day. Adieu." 

"Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with your food?"

"Hey. There he goes. There he goes."

"So go get him."

"There ain't no way I'm going in there. What, you want me to come out there looking like you? Cactus-Butt?"

"Asante sana Squash banana, Wiwi nugu Mi mi apana."  
"Come on, will you cut it out?" 

"Can't cut it out. It will grow right back. Hehehe." 

"Creepy little monkey. Would you stop following me! Who are you?" 

"The question is, who... are _you_?" 

_"Asante sana Squash banana, Wiwi nugu Mi mi apana!"_

"Enough already! What's that supposed to mean anyway?" 

"It means you're a baboon... and I'm not." 

"I think you're a little confused." 

"Wrong! I'm not the one who's confused. You don't even know who you are!" 

"Oh, and I suppose you know?"

"You run along now, and have fun. And remember... it's our little secret."

"Hyenas. I hate hyenas. So what's the plan for getting past those guys?"

"Live bait."

"Good idea."

"HEY!"

"What do you want me to do, dress in drag and do the hula?"

"I killed Mufasa!"

"NOO! MURDERER!"

"….I'm surrounded by idiots."

"IT IS TIME."

"Time for what?"

"You should know Rose, we're planning Edward's surprise birthday party."

"Really now."

"'Course we is. Didn't you hear?"

"So we need….."

"Streamers, lots and lots of streamers."

"Cake? Since we can't eat it –other than Bella, and I doubt she will- we can just have a massive food fight."

"Nice Alice, what about you Jasper?"

"Hmm… I dunno Bella, why are you asking me? I'll just but him…..a new stereo?"

"Eh, good enough."

"Mmmm…"

"What Emmett?"

"Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, first things first. Before we buy anything else for your party."

"Argh. So what do you want Emmett?"

"….Do you like balloons?"

**----------------------------**

**By now using your amazing powers of deduction, you can see that the whole conversation repeats itself on a cycle. Also by using your amazing powers of scrolling around and using your music you can leave a review.**

**OK, never mind. As I said before, this was meant to be extremely random, but funny.**

**Also, for those of you who watch Disney movies –mainly 'The Lion King'- almost religiously, you'll notice that about half the conversation was all quotes from 'The Lion King'. Gotta love people. Gotta love it.**

**Hehe, the main reason I add those quotes is because of something I used to say to my mom when I was like, 3:**

"**Simba mommy, Simba!"**

**Yep.**

**I also add in the animated lion movie because I have a new one-shot I hope to put up soon called "From Father to Daughter"/"The Swan King", which also makes reference to that movie. (Look for it?)**

**(Anybody here watch Ghost Whisperer? Wanna go check out "Smooth Criminal"?)**

**This chapter is somewhat dedicated to Kirs. And beside that, I leave you with one last note:**

_**MUFASA MUFASA MUFASA!  
**_


	44. La familia de Cullen

**Amazing one-shot by Kirs. READ IT! READ IT! ENJOY IT! ENJOY IT!**

**Based off that episode of Drake & Josh when the salsa goes 'BOOM!' in their faces.**

**Kirs written, Kate approved.**

**(Author's Note by Kate. Boo ya!)**

**La ****familia**** de Cullen**

"GUYS! WE'RE LEAVING!"

Alice shrieked.

Rosalie and Alice were going shopping for the night. Carlisle was working a late shift at the hospital, and Bella sat on the couch with the three boys. Esme was upstairs somewhere.

"Eh." Emmett waved his hand dismissively toward the two girls. Edward and Bella looked over at him, and Jasper looked up from his book.

"What?" Emmett asked as the door slammed. Edward rolled his eyes, and Bella smiled. Jasper went back to the book.

It was a while after Edward, Emmett and Bella noticed that they were watching a blank television. Edward sighed, rolled his eyes once more, and walked over to the piano. Bella waltzed over to him, and Emmett looked over at Jasper.

"Watcha reading?"

Jasper growled lightly, but didn't look up.

"Jasper? Watcha reading?"

Jasper rolled his eyes, and looked up.

"A cooking book."

"Really?! Anything in there about making….SALSA?!"

Jasper raised an eyebrow and lifted up the book, showing the title, which read, _Wuthering__ Heights_.

"Hey! That's not a cooking book!"

"Exactly." Jasper went back to the book before Emmett spoke up again.

"So…wanna find a cooking book and make salsa? I've always wanted to make the Mexican condiment."

Jasper looked up from the book, an eyebrow raised.

"Emmett, you know that we can't-"

"Eat. I know. But we can feed it to Bella. If she dies, Edward can't _technically_ kill me."

"I HEARD THAT!" Edward yelled from the other room.

"I'M NOT EATING ANYTHING!" Bella shrieked as the music stopped. Emmett rolled his eyes.

Jasper snickered.

"Hey! Come on!" Emmett yelled, standing up, and grabbing Jasper's arm.

"Emmett." Jasper warned.

"Come on! Don't be a fun-crusher!"

Jasper sighed.

"Fine."

**oooooooooooo**

"Alright Emmett, you need to chop the tomatoes."

"Uh, Jasper, what are tomatoes?"

Jasper sighed, standing in front of the empty cooking pot that they had dug up.

"You're kidding right?"

"No."

Jasper sighed again, and held up the red fruit in front of the vampire's face.

"Hey, what are you guys doing?" A girl's voice came from the door.

They looked up to see Bella standing there, her arms over her chest.

"Making salsa!" Emmett boomed. Bella and Jasper looked at each other. Bella gave Jasper a pity look, and walked over.

**oooooooooooo**

"Alright. Uh, onions, and parsley, and….and…." Emmett looked at Jasper and Bella as he held up the white cloves.

"Emmett, it's not going to kill you." Jasper said.

Bella snickered as Emmett winced as he threw the garlic into the pot.

Bella walked over to the pot, and stirred.

"Why are you making salsa in the first place?" Bella asked Emmett, with narrowed eyes.

"I don't know. I feel a little Mexican today!" Emmett ran out of the room, and came back two seconds later, wearing a sombrero.

"Where did you get that?" Jasper asked.

Bella giggled.

"I don't know. It was in Rosalie's trunk."

Jasper and Bella's eyes got big.

"Emmett! She doesn't allow anyone in there!"

"Not even her own husband!" Jasper added.

Emmett shrugged, and walked over to the salsa.

"Alright Bella! Here." Emmett held a spoonful of salsa at Bella's mouth. She tasted it, and smiled.

"Wow guys, that's really good."

"Bella! There you are." Edward was soon at the door. She smiled at him, and he glared at his older brothers.

"What did you do to her?!"

"They didn't do anything but make this really good salsa!"

Bella went for the pot again, and stuck her head in it. Rosalie was soon at Edward's side, glaring at Emmett.

"Emmett, nobody goes into my trunk!" Rosalie shrieked, running after her husband. Jasper just stood there as Alice came to his side.

"Come on Jasper." She said. She grabbed his arm, and they left the kitchen.

Edward looked at Bella, and slowly left the room.

**oooooooooooo**

The lights flickered on in the Cullen kitchen. Emmett walked over to his masterpiece still sitting on the counter. Edward, Alice, Jasper, and Bella followed.

Edward looked into the pot.

"Why is it bubbling?"

"Bubbling."

Everyone looked at Emmett.

"Bubbling. Funny word." He said. Jasper rolled his eyes.

Then, no one knew what happened next.

**_BBBOOOMMM!!_**

Alice screamed as salsa flew into her hair. Emmett and Jasper stood there in horror, and Bella stood behind Edward, shrieking.

"WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?!" They heard from the other room. Esme's shriek of terror made them realize that they had colored the white walls red with salsa.

Before Esme's entrance, the teenagers looked around at each other.

Emmett had salsa all over the front of his shirt. He then screamed like a little girl when he realized that he not only had tomatoes and parsley on his face, but garlic. He ran out of the room.

Jasper stood there, his eyes closed, looking very calm. Probably trying to calm down Emmett and the soon approaching Esme.

Alice had red slime in her short black hair. She looked like she could cry. Bella stood there, salsa all over her, and was trying not to laugh. Edward stood there, not saying a thing.

"Alright! What happened?" Esme's voice came from the other side of the door, and when she walked into the white (now red) kitchen, she looked like she could faint.

"My-My-My…." She stammered, looking at the red walls in horror. "My kitchen!"

She ran over toward the other side of the kitchen, ignoring her 'children' (and Bella). Edward was about to say something when Esme turned to look at him with hate filled eyes.

"WHAT HAPPENED?!"

The frightened teens started to talk all at once.

"The salsa…."

"The pot…."

"WENT BOOM…" Emmett soon appeared again.

"The garlic…"

"The parsley…"

"_Wuthering Heights_…"

"MY HAIR!" The pixie like nineteen year old shrieked. Jasper, Emmett, Edward, Esme, and Bella looked at her.

"NO ONE CARES ABOUT MY NEEDS!" Alice shrieked at them before sprinting out of the room, dry crying.

Jasper sighed.

"I better go after her."

Jasper left the room with nothing else to say.

Esme looked like she could attack someone.

"Well?" She asked. "Whose idea was to make salsa in the first place?"

Edward and Bella pointed at Emmett, who stood there like nothing had happened.

"Emmett?" Esme said sweetly, walking up to her 'son'. "You now that-"

"We can't eat. I know." Emmett answered.

Esme looked at him, confused.

"What I was going to say was that we had some salsa in the fridge." Esme walked up to her red fridge, and pulled out a container of store bought salsa.

Edward and Bella snickered. Emmett looked confused.

"But-But-But."

"HA! HE SAID BUTT!"

They all turned to Bella, who covered her mouth with her hand to stop from laughing, or bursting out another random comment. Edward looked at her, scared.

Esme raised an eyebrow, and shrugged, putting the salsa back into the fridge. Emmett, Edward and Bella were about to leave when Esme turned around, and shoved the fridge door closed.

"Stay." She commanded. Edward, Emmett and Bella froze in place.

"You are going to clean this mess up!"

Her 'sons' (and Bella) groaned, and sighed, as Esme walked out of the room.

"AS FOR THE EMPATH AND THE PHYCHIC, THERE'S A SPOT OF SLIME ON THE WALL FOR YOU TOO!" Esme screamed in the foyer. Alice and Jasper's groans echoed through the whole house, and they came down the stairs sullenly, as Esme left the foyer.

**oooooooooooo**

"I can't believe you wanted to make salsa. We could've just looked in the fridge." Jasper moaned, as he moped up the floor.

"I can't believe that I have to help! I was gone practically the whole night!" Alice whined as she wiped the counters clean.

"Where's Rosalie? She was here too, you know." Emmett said as he Windex-ed the windows.

All of a sudden, an evil laugh came from nowhere. Rosalie's evil laugh.

"Oh no. Twin telepathy." Jasper said, his eyes getting big.

"You aren't twins. Shut up." Emmett threw a rag at Jasper's face.

"I know. It's creepy though. I may be an empath, but I can still hear what she's thinking." Jasper shuddered.

"Uh, hello? Am I not the only mind reader in this house?" Edward said from the sink.

"Shut up Edward! I know Jasper. When you know someone, pretty well, you kind of get to know what they're thinking." Alice answered, receiving looks from her brothers, and her husband.

"I guess." Jasper shrugged again, and went back to work.

"Edward, will you drive me home? I have to beat Charlie home." Bella said from the fridge.

"Sure Bella." Edward smiled at her, and they left the room.

"Ugh." Emmett said.

"Hi!"

Emmett, Jasper and Alice turned to the doorway to see Rosalie standing there, an evil look on her face.

"You know. That was just the first warning. NEVER go into ROSALIE LILLIAN HALE'S trunk unless told TO DO SO!" Rosalie shrieked.

Emmett, Jasper and Alice looked at each other before nodding, and running after their sister (and wife).

**oooooooooooo**

**Tee-hee. Review and tell us how much you liked it!**

**(Another amuzzling note by Kate.)**


	45. Come see!

**The next chapter will come soon! Don't worry, I'm working on it!  
Until I finally put up a decent chapter –well, a real chapter- you can have this quick note for now.**

**As you know, I am Ka. I have a friend on this site bbfdfreak13.  
Together, the two of us put our minds together and wrote out an amazing story called "Stalking the Prey".**

**Go ahead and check it out, and enjoy that until I finally get a real chapter up! (Just go to 'twilightnite' down to 'favorite authors'/'favorite stories' 'bbfdfreak13' and then click on "Stalking the Prey")**

Stalking the Prey  
Jacob Black wants Bella Swan. Bella could care less. Jacob Black has crossed the line from caring friend to creepy stalker. /Written by one freak and one weirdo. AKA Katie of bbfdfreak13 and Kate of twilightnite. Huzzah./

**Go read it and review please, or else I'm taking down all my stories, holding the Cullen family hostage! RAWR!**

**And if you dare to come after me or threaten me, I'll send my evil army of penguins after you! (Or, granted that I'll have 7 vampires held hostage, I'll turn all my evil penguins into vampires and **_**then **_**send them after you.)**

**Please though, do go read "Stalking the Prey".  
I'll offer a cookie, or roasted marshmallows. **_**Or**_** some hot firefighters (offered by bbfdfreak!)**

**This story is perfect for any anti-Jacob person(s)! It involves Jake transferred to Forks High School, detention on his first day, random red British phonebooths in the middle of the forest, "Who Let the Dogs Out", Eskimos, and Bella's fear of commitment. **

**Well, not really a fear of commitment as much as a growing fear of large wolves.**

**If any of the above has peeked your interest, go ahead and give it a looksie!**

**Thanks to all.**

**It is now 12:34 A.M. do you know where your vampires/werewolves are?**

**--Ka & bbfdfreak**


	46. S Words

**I haven't updated since forever ago due to a severe case of writer's block (and a case of walking away from the computer to spend the last week or two reading _The Host_ in anticipation for _Twilight._) so I decided to give you all this. Now, originally I had been planning on making this into its own story, but due to some dialogue between the SNL people, and some things jsut can't really be edited out without ruining it...**

**Anyway, this comes from watching said skits too many times.  
****  
****FYI, to understand this story, it helps to watch the clips, just type "Saturday Night Live 'Celebrity Jeopardy" into Google, and BAM! There you go.  
****(**http: / mrt300 . ods . org / snl / view . php ? jeopardy**) would be your best bet.**

**I'm using lines directly from the skits, pretty much copying some of the lines, altering them when needed.  
****  
****I've also added many of my own lines I made up, because I do not feel the need to be sued by Saturday Night Live. Also because I thought it would make this funnier.**

**Disclaimer: **Twilight_ and all its affiliations are owned and copyrighted by Stephenie Meyer. I'm just messing with them. _Saturday Night Live_ and its _Celebrity Jeopardy_ skits are also owned and copyrighted by NBC or what television company broadcasts that TV program in your area._

**Are you ready for this?**

**Here's our lovely 'cast' for "_Part One"_...**

**Edward Cullen: **Alex Trebek (The Host)  
**Emmett Cullen: **Sean Connery  
**Jacob Black: **Burt Reynolds  
**Paul: **Jerry Lewis

**Sometimes some of our cast isn't in chapters because they're not part of the skits. If you're confused when Edward calls them 'Mr. Lewis', or 'Sean Connery', just go back up here to the cast list.  
Edward will also appear in all skits as the host, Alex Trebek**

**"S" Words**

**Originally aired: **12-07-96  
**Staring: **Alex Trebek, Sean Connery, Burt Reynolds, Jerry Lewis  
(Otherwise known as: **Edward Cullen**,** Emmett Cullen**,** Jacob Black**,and** Paul**)

* * *

"_Welcome to, Celebrity Jeopardy! With your host, Alex Treeebek!"_

Edward walked onto on the stage, somewhat blind sited by the lights hanging overhead. He blinked, walking up to the podium as the theme music played, smiling when he saw Bella sitting out in the audience.

People cheered as he turned to the other three people standing behind podiums.

"Thank you Johnny," He said, acknowledging the voiceover guy, who coincidentally, was named Johnny. "And welcome to Celebrity Jeopardy. We've got three wonderful celebrities playing her tonight for charity. Let's meet them." He raised his hand, gesturing to his brother standing behind a podium.

"Sean Connery," He said with a smirk as he pointed at Emmett. The crowd cheered.

"Hello Alex." 'Sean' said.

"Burt Reynolds," Edward said, now pointing at a leather jacket clad Jacob Black. He nodded, playing with his fake moustache.

"How ya doing?"

"And the comedy legend, Jerry Lewis." Paul held up his arms, waving to the quietly clapping audience.

"May I tell you what a joy it is to be here and all? It's super-duper. Moo-haha!" 'Jerry' laughed, clapping his hands as 'Alex' rolled his eyes.

"Now let's see what tonight's categories are." Edward turned, trying to shake his now poofy hair out of his eyes.

"And we have…… Celebrities, Pot Pourri, Popular Music, Movies, Potent Potables, U.S. History, and "S" Words, which are words that begin with the letter 'S'. Mr. Connery, why don't you pick first." Emmett narrowed his eyes at the board, trying to pick a category.

"I'll take 'Movies' for 400." Edward nodded, shifting through the cards he had made the night before.

"And the answer is……John Travolta learned to dance for this 1977 hit movie." Emmett's buzzer went off quickly as he watched the host with a smug look on his face. "Mr. Connery."

"That," He started, raising his hand. "Would be _Jaws_." Edward closed his mouth, shaking his head.

"No." He shook his head, looking out at the crowd. "_Jaws_ would be incorrect, and please make sure that you answer in the form of a _question_." Emmett frowned. Jacob raising his buzzer, pressing down on it.

"Burt Reynolds?" Jacob smacked his gum.

"_What_ is _Jaws_?"

"Yeah, what are jaws? Are they them thing in your skulk that you break when you punch someone in the face? I always thought that was funny." Paul –as Jerry Lewis- said, smiling in satisfaction. Edward/Alex closed his eyes, his head bent toward the podium.

"I'll gladly break your jaw if you'd like me to Mr. Lewis." Edward/Alex snapped at Paul/Jerry, who was smirking smugly and shrugging. "And no Mr. Reynolds, that was already guessed."

Paul/Jerry's little buzzer/beeper thing went off again, and Edward sighed in exasperation.

"What do you want Mr. Lewis? Do you actually have a legitimate answer," Edward muttered. "Or are you just making things up because you're just that stupid?" Paul smirked smugly still. He cleared his throat and responded.

"If I remember correcting, Alex, that would be _Dancing for-_" Paul went cross-eyed, raising his hands and waving them. He yelled the remainder of the movie title. "_LAYDEEZ!! _Aye!"

Edward looked a bit shell-shocked, holding his cards in front of him, and staring out into the crowd with a bit of a dazed expression. Paul snickered.

"I had to go for it." Paul said.

"No. That would be incorrect as well. Mainly because you're stupid, obnoxious, and have glasses that look like they belonged to my great-great-grandfather. And that's really old." Paul glared at Edward now, knowing that those lines had not been part of the original script.

"The real answer was, 'What is _Saturday Night Fever?_'"

"Oh…" Paul mumbled.

"Keep your heads up players, Sean Connery; it is still your board." Edward flinched, knowing that Emmett would probably say something absurd just for kicks. And Emmett knew that Edward knew that too.

"Ah." Emmett began, trying not to smile. "I'll take… Swords for 400."

"Er, it's actually not 'Swords', Mr. Connery, not 'Swords'. These are words that begin with the letter 'S'." Edward rolled his eyes as the card that said '400' slid out of place, revealing the answer for the contestants.

"And the answer is… Popeye was this sort of man." Just as Edward finished saying the answer, Jacob's buzzer went off, earning him a strange look from Edward. Jacob continued to smack his gum as everyone waited for him to say something.

"What is…" Jacob began his response, quickly remembering that for the sake of this skit, he was meant to get the question wrong. "…Popeye?" The audience laughed as he said this, a few oblivious to the fact that these people were acting –save for Edward cracking jokes about Paul and Jacob's intelligence.

"No."

_Doodle-le-do._

"Sean Connery? And remember. These are words that being with the letter 'S'. Not 'Swords'." Emmett frowned, letting out a frustrated sigh. He slammed his palm down on the podium, nearly breaking it.

"Saber!"

"_No,_" Was Edward's response to Emmett's incorrect answer to '_Popeye is this sort of man_'.

"It began with a bloody 'S'!" Emmett yelled, slamming his hand down again. He waved one hand in front of him angrily.

_Doodle-le-do._

"Ha ha, he ha ha," Paul chuckled holding up his buzzer/beeper and pressing down on in with the palm of his other hand. "Heh heh heh heh ha.."

"Mr. Lewis."

"I've got the answer Alex." Paul stated, sounding a bit intellectual, like he really knew what he was doing. "You want the answer, it's simple. They're terrified of a perfectionist. _They_ being the peoples who are running the studios, _this week_."

"I don't see how that's relevant to Popeye in anyway, shape, or form. If you really wanted to-"

_Do do do_.

Edward sighed, the buzzer signaling that time had run out for answers had just gone off, and the only thing that had come close to an actual answer was Jacob/Burt's "_What is Popeye?_" followed by Emmett/Sean's "_Saber!"_ in a close second.

"Dreadfully sorry Mr. Lewis, but time's up. So sad, too bad." Edward directed at Paul. "'_What is sailor?_' was what we were going for. This has been a tough start for everyone."

The crowd chuckled loudly at this, the expressions and gestures the 'celebrities' were making, and the fact that:

"All of our celebrities are 800 dollars down. Also meaning that they are negative (-800) 800 dollars. At this rate, no charities will be getting money, and they will instead end up broke because Mr. Connery was unable to at least mutter 'sailor' instead of 'saber.'"

Emmett glared at Edward and shouted: "The hell if I'm going to pay you a bloody 800 dollars!"

"Please rest assured Mr. Connery, that this is for _charity _and not _your own money_." Edward said, tried to sound a bit reassuring. He sighed. "And somehow, it is till your board."

"I… Alright, well, let's go with… Eh, I'll take 'Movies'for 200." As Emmett said this, the card covering slid away, revealing the answer Edward was now saying.

"This racing movie with Dom Deluise told us that yes, cannonballs can run." After this was said, the stage was completely silent, save for the giggles from the audience and Jacob smacking his gum.

The celebrities looked at one another, having no clue how to answer. (In all actuality they did, but seeing how this was meant to be a humorous skit, they couldn't exactly answer intelligently.) Paul made a face that made him appear constipated as he mulled it over.

"Cannonballs can run. Cannonballs can run." Edward repeated, trying to coax an answer out of someone. It was still silent.

"Ah,"

"Burt, you may want to guess this, You should no this." Jacob continued to smack his gum, looking around the room, playing with his fake moustache. After a few moments, his held up his buzzer/beeper and pressed it.

"Ah, I don't know. What is… _Shakespeare?_"

"No." Edward said, disgruntled.

_Doodle-le-do._

"Mr. Connery."

Emmett jabbed at the top of his podium as he spoke. "I'll not pay this fine I've incurred, it's unjust!"

"You don't have to pay the-"

_Doodle-le-do_.

"Jerry Lewis?"

"_Cannonball_ in maim, in, ma ha…mom…"

"W-Wait, it sounds like you might be on to something! You might just have the right answer! Did you say 'cannon'?"

"Cannon…"

"Now, say 'ball'…"

Paul made a strange face as he said this. "Ball…"

"Put them together and…"

"_Cannonball_ and maim, and mine en…" His voice rose. "Saaayyyy- YAAAA" The crowd laughed and clapped, and Paul grinned widely, making another funny face.

Edward could only stare and shake his head.

"Okay, okay, let's just move on. Burt, could you please pick a category." Jacob looked as if he was contemplating this, and Emmett leaned over toward him.

"Pick, pick 'Swords'." Emmett said, and Jacob looked as if he was actually thinking over that option.

"Yeah, sure. Gimme 'Swords!'" Edward took a deep breath, and then snapped.

"It's, IT'S 'S' WORDS!' NOT 'SWORDS'! IT'S 'S' WORDS'!" He took a breath. "And for how much?"

"Eh, I wanna go for… Aw hell, let's go nuts. 'Swords' for 48,000!" Edward's head dropped down, as if in shame.

"We're not doing 'Swords!' You can't even pick that amount! Hell, you can't even remember what movies you've been in!" Edward shouted as the crowd laughed at Jacob. "You know what? Let's just move on to Final Jeopardy."

Edward looked over to a screen, read it, and then nodded. "Alright, so the final category is, 'Bodies of Water'." The screen he was watching changed and read something else. "This body of water gave _Salt Lake City_ its name."

The _Jeopardy!_ theme began to play, and one camera zoomed in on the celebrities, panning across the stage where their podiums were set up. Emmett was currently at work writing down whatever he thought the answer was, Jacob too was writing down something, smacking his gum and looking around, and Paul was no where to be seen.

_Ding._

"And time is up." He walked over to where Emmett stood behind his podium. "This body of water gave Salt Lake City its name. And you said…"

Edward looked down to see what Emmett wrote, and a large screen also shows Emmett's words to the audience.

"Swords." The crowd snickered at this. "And you wagered… What appears to be the Roman numeral seven." (VII) Edward said bluntly, giving Emmett a strange look.

"That's an 'M'." Emmett pointed at what looked like 'VII'. Edward shook his head.

"Of course it is." Edward continued on to the next podium where Jacob stood, trying not to growl at the werewolf. "Burt Reynolds. You wrote…"

Again, he looked down, and the audience turned back to look at the giant screen.

"My name, which I guess was nice of you and all, and you wagered…" Jacob's wager showed up above the name 'Edward Cullen' (instead of 'Alex Trebek') "'Is is f-' okay, that's obviously some kind of swear word."

Edward glared heatedly at Jacob, and then turned his head away and came to stop in front of Paul's podium to see what the other La Push boy wrote. Jacob was still smiling and chuckling about what he had written about Edward.

"Jerry Lewis…" Edward trailed off, leaning over to see if Paul was crouched down behind his podium, which he wasn't. "Has wandered off, but since no one cares about him or likes him, I don't feel the need to go searching after him." He looked at Jacob to ask where Paul went, but Jake shrugged.

"Well, let's see if he had an answer or anything." (Everyone now looks at a screen again for the third time.) "Alright, he answer appears to be the outline of half of his hand, and his wager… The other half of his hand. Fantastic."

Edward shook his head and walked back to center stage, turning to face the camera before speaking to it.

"Well, I'd like to thank our celebrities for joining us today, even though none of them could answer a single question with more intelligence than a newborn-" An abrupt yell cut off Edward's little speech, and Paul came barreling out from back stage, suddenly re-appearing. For some strange reason he held a champagne glass full of water. And he was headed right for Edward.

"Sorry about that! Had to pee an-" At that moment he crashed into Edward, soaking the boy teenage vampire's suit front with water. "Oh! Sorry, I kinda didn't mean to do that!" Edward shook his head, ignoring what Paul was about to do.

"Unfortunately, due to the scores, money will end up being taken away from charities. If the American Red Cross Association would like to sue someone, my first suggestion would be Burt Reynolds or Sean Connery." Edward muttered, spinning around and power walking backstage.

"Oh! Look what I can do!" Paul shouted, dashing toward the camera that was slowly backing away from the stage. "No! Mr. Cameraperson, wait! Watch!" He shoved the champagne glass into his mouth, and was running at the camera.

"Mmm! Mmmph!"

And with that, he collided with the camera, causing it fall over, record a good glimpse of the studio ceiling for our viewers back home, and then black out.

Too bad there's another eleven episodes for the camera to record.

_Fun._

**--**

**So, how bad was it?  
Love it? Hate it? Find it funny or strange? Feel free to leave a review! All forms are welcomed and appreciated.**

**And any ideas you may have for conversations or random one-liners for the characters are enjoyed and presumably used.  
If they're not, then you may feel free to sue Sean Connery or Burt Reynolds because of that.  
Of course, right now I'm just waiting for SNL or one of the above celebrities to come sue me.**

**I'll be hidden behind an army of penguins with hand grenades and rocket launchers if you need me. (And yes, I will refer to my evil penguins many-a-time in the distant future.)**

Okay, didn't you just love my random note? Alright...

**Well, I may end up writing out a few more episodes of it, but you never know...**

**Funny, Jasper seems to have nothign to say... Huh...**

**Jasper: (in the far off distance, making a break for it through a randomly large field with mountains in the background_) The hills are alive, with the sound of mmmmuuuussssiiiccc!!_**

**Got any ideas you wanna share? Maybe it'll help the writer's block some, eh? Hm?**

**Last note: Next chapter should also be funny. I like the idea I have for it. Hehe...**


	47. Jasper's Bathroom Duty

OH WHAT NOW. We updated? For real? My God, what has the world come to?! D8 But, we're back! Kinda. Sorta. In a way. Boo-ya.

First of all, I really would like to apologize for not having updated this -or any of our other stories for that matter- for a year. (hangs head) So sorry! Really!  
You honestly have no idea how bad I feel about not having put something up sooner. The rest of our stories deserve to be finished as well, though I'm sure that will take quite some time before the two of us get back into the swing of things...  
Before you start ranting about how it took us forever to update, please, just hear me out. (Please read this note before you review?)

You see, when Kirs and I first began reading _Twilight_ and talking to her/my friends about it, it was fun, because no one else around us really seemed know about it, and it was nice because we could have a private conversation without someone else butting in with their two sense. Now we/I feel that the whole hype has been blown out of proportion, and the series was much more enjoyable when not everyone was obsessed with it. Our _Twilight_-fanfiction boat hasn't necessarily set sail for that matter, but it's more like we docked it at a harbor and wandered off, and we're just now starting to make our way back to it.  
Don't get us wrong, we have nothing against _Twilight_or those who like it, but it's become more and more difficult to differentiate between fans of the story and rabid fangirls of doom. We're not trying to be offensive here by any means, it's just this series seems like it has become more or less a cult rather than an enjoyable story. Suffice to say, we both now have a love-hate relationship with it.  
That may have led to our near abandonment to the series, though we are trying to work our way back here to finish what we started. We just ask that you not hold grudges against us.  
So I simply ask that if you _do_ review this story or any of the others that have not been update for a year, please do not reprimand us for taking forever and then proceed to yell at us for developing a slight disdain for the series and then try to convert us back to the naive fan-girls we once were. (Though if you do it humorously, that's understandable, we'll probably find it funny.) **None of this note here was meant to offend _anyone_. If we did so, we sincerely apologize.**

Again, I apologize for our year-long absence. Maybe this can make up for it.

-This was actually started a year ago or so as a mere joke, but we might as well finish it now, nya? xD (is also not written in the typical format you found earlier in this story. This is my natural style of writing here, sorta. xD)

**Chores With the Cullens  
_Jasper: Bathroom duty_**

Suffice to say, a day in the Cullen household was never 'average', or 'normal' in the mind of an everyday run-of-the-mill person. In fact, one could say that those who entered the Cullen dwellings left with the strange feeling that could be seen as falling into the rabbit hole, so it would seem. Actually, the truth was that the Cullens were entirely normal, the rest of Forks was merely too paranoid and generally odd to recognize this fact.

Oh, who are we kiddin'? The Cullens? Normal? We are talking about the same people, right?

However. In fact, like most other families, the Cullens did chores around the house, though they were not given the allowance human children were. They were just given a place to stay when they were bored. They had enough money to being with.

Today just so happened to be Jasper's lucky day. He was on bathroom duty. Granted, there were roughly twelve or so bathrooms in the house –given or take a few that were rarely ever seen- and they were never really used by the residents, it wouldn't hurt to clean them. It really wouldn't hurt. It would just make the house a lot better. And it wouldn't smell.

Jasper still hated having to clean the bathrooms.

That may have explained why he standing before the one at the top of the stairs completely dressed in a HAZMAT wielding a toilet brush like he could fend off the rest of the world with it. This look was complimented by the stern look of determination on his face.

"I'm going in." To further compliment the journey Jasper was about to partake, Emmett appeared behind him, humming the 'Jaws' theme song as the blond reached for the door handle, toilet brush held squarely before him.

The hum was abruptly cut off when the bathroom door swung open and a high-pitched scream was emitted on Jasper's part.

"IIIIEEEEE!!"

Rosalie, prompted by the outcry of her brother and the short-lived humming of her husband appeared in a pale blur, her hair whipping into her face as she came to stand by Jasper. Upon seeing what had caused him duress she rolled her eyes in mock-annoyance.

"My god, don't be such a pansy." She gave a slight smirk. "It can't be that- OH MY GOD!" She peered over his shoulder and into the bathroom, her eyes widening. "Oh my, did something either implode or explode in here?!" Her pretty face pulled into a grimace at a scent. "Geeze, where's the body?"

Jasper whimpered in response as his sister patted his shoulder.

"Good luck, buddy. You'll need it." With that she gave him a not-so delicate shove into the bathroom, promptly locking it behind him as turned down the hallway. Emmett soon followed her, now humming the 'Oompa Loompa' song out of boredom.

Upon finding himself locked in the bathroom that smelt odd, Jasper bypassed his logical thinking and began pounding on the door. "GET ME OUT OF HERE! IT SMELLS FUNNY! AND NOT THE 'HAHA'! FUNNY! THE 'WHAT THE'- OHMYGOD IT'S MOVING!" Jasper yelped, staring fearfully down at the pile of clothes on the floor that were in fact moving, courtesy of his feet kicking them.

After two hours of practicing the fetal position and sitting on the floor trying to breathe and sobbing Jasper suddenly shot up, jsut as Esme knocked softly on the door.

"Jasper?" She began timidly, giving the threshold around the door a curious look. "What's with all the HAZMAT curtains?"

"SAVE ME! LET ME OUT!"

The caramel-haired vampire blinked in shock before she regained what composure she could. "Er, I only told you to go in there and bring me the dirty laundry. There were a few baskets in there I wanted you to grab so I could wash them."

Pause.

"……So I don't have to clean it?"

"HECK YEAH! You might as well if you're locked in there!" Esme quickly responded, letting her laughter trickle through the cracks around the door as she descended the stairs. Jasper's hand clenched into a gloved fist at his side as he narrowed his eyes at the wood blocking his all too easy escape.

"So cruel…"

Faced with the fact that there was no way he was going to get out of there alive unless he actually cleaned the bathroom and got the dirty laundry that he originally been sent up there for, Jasper let out a loud agitated breath and spun around to survey his surroundings. (We're still waiting to see how long it's going to take for him to realize how easily he could have gotten out of there. Hmm, anyone taking bets?)

Seemingly out of nowhere the theme song to 'Mission Impossible' began to play as the old blond boy started for the first laundry basked on the floor laying on its side. There were two other baskets like it so labeled "Darks" and "Whites." The music beginning to pick up, Jasper dove head-first into the first basket he saw, dubbed "Towels."

"DARKS!" He shouted as he tossed a black t-shirt into the "Darks" basket. He then proceeded to label every article of clothing in the same manner. "WHITES! TOWELS! DARKS!" He paused and snickered, holding up a red sock with a devilish grin. "WHITES!"

"DON'T YOU DARE!"

Swallowing his laughter with a gulp Jasper quickly chucked it into the "Darks" basket.

The 'Mission Impossible' theme ended rather abruptly as Jasper held up a pair of jeans with a rather triumphant grin.

"MY PANTS! (I finally found them!)"

Because she was always over at the Cullen household, Bella let out a shocked "_What?!" _at Jasper's exclamation, parenthesis and all. She then continued on her merry way, off to aid Alice with ....whatever she was....doing...

Ignoring Bella's surprised reply, Jasper returned to sorting his laundry after neatly setting his newly-re-found pants in the "Darks" basket. After a half hour of doing this, he's finally done. Though unlike he was supposed to, he snuck that single red sock into a basket full of all _white_ clothing. Esme would be none-too-pleased, but Jasper would get a laugh or two out of it. If it worked. Probably wouldn't. He could still try though.

Picking up the toilet brush he had originally come in with, Jasper let out an exasperated 'ho-hum' breath and steadied his gaze on one of the few porcelain 'appliances' in the bathroom.

"Let's do this."

_-Five minutes later-_

"Ew. Ew. Uck. EW!" Jasper muttered as he scrubbed the inside of the toilet with his brush, his tightened grip on it nearly snapping the poor thing in half. Cheap too. Can't forget cheap. He then turned to the bathtub, grimacing as he made his way to it, still brandishing his 'weapon' and fully donned in his HAZMAT gear. (Doesn't really make sense that he's cleaing the bathtub with a toilet bowl brush either, does it? Yeah, we don't get it either. Guess that's just Jasper for ya.)

Of course, Jasper's antics failed to go unnoticed as Esme trotted by the bathroom door only to earn Jasper's disgusted half-formed remarks. "What's the 'Ew. Ew. Uck. Ew!' Jasper? JASPER?!

"HAVE YOU SEEN THIS BATHTUB?! It's disgusting!" Was Jasper's quick and sudden reply, causing Esme to jump in shock at the sudden rise in his voice.

" ……Ok…" She whispered, quickly walking away, headed in the direction of her husband's study to check on hwo he was doing with his annual dusting and sorting of said room.

"Haha! Evil bacteria! Thou shalt fear the wrath that is I! Jasper Whitlock Hale! /General/ in the Civil War! What wars have you been in eh? None! OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT YOU ARE ON THE LOSING SIDE IN THIS BATTLE! NO ONE WINS AGAINST JASPER!" The blond's anger-rant was abruptly cut off when he slipped on the so-called 'evil bacteria' lining the bathtub he was currently standing in. Angrily landing on his rump he shot back up, waving his toilet brush before him and misquoting Shakespeare. "AH-AH! Et tu Brute?"

"Be not afraid of greatness. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and other have greatness thrust upon them." Edward replied with a Shakespeare quote of his own on his way passed the closed bathroom -also on his way to re-organize and sort his CD's for about the tenth time in two months.

There was a pause before the Hale child said something.

"What are you talking about?"

Edward was silent for a moment before continuing on his way down the hall that everyone seemed to be going down for some reason. Jasper himself paused for a moment before he went back to cleaning the 'evil bacteria' infested bathtub when SUDDENLY he heard a SQUEAK behind him. He froze then, nearly dropping his brush as his eyes widened to roughly the size of his face.

"What the-?" He spun around, almost slipping on he fully stood in the tub. His eyes narrowed as he scanned the hardly used room. "Who's there?"

_Squeak._

"Come out foul beast! I'll let thee face the wrath of Jasper!" Still donning his HAZMAT suit he punched the air above him with his fist clenched around the toilet brush, prepared to take on whatever adversary there was before him.

_Squeak._

"I SAID COME OUT!"

With that a mouse suddenly ran out from somewhere behind the bathtub, and as a result Jasper once more let out a very high picthed scream, swinging the brush in the rodent's general direction. "GO BACK FROM WHENCE YE CAME! GO AWAY!"

Because he missed the first few times he swung the cleaning brush the mouse turned to stare at Jasper, as if silently mocking him. Due to this action taken by the mouse, Jasper growled and swung once more with greater force, this time hitting the the mouse and sending it sailing into the nearest wall where it fell to the ground motionless. Feeling victorious the old vamp punched the hair with a whoop.

"HUZZAH! NO ONE STANDS UP TO JASPER!" He sprang out of the bathtub and made his way over to the now dead rodent, carefully picking it up with a gloved hand. "Hmm. Now what to do with the body?" He took on a ho-hum expression, quickly reviewing his options. "I can, A. throw it in the trash can, B. toss it out the window, C. eat it, or D. flush it down the toilet. Hmmm.... However! ...I am kinda hungry though…"

The next sound that came from the other side of the door had Jasper's jaw all but dropping to the floor before rebounding and hitting him in the face. "Has anyone seen my pet mouse, Turtle?"

The blond boy could only stare at the lock down with eyes as what Edward had said finally registered, along with the fact that he had successfully killed Edward's pet. "Oh Snap Crackle Pop Rice Crispies."

Just as Jasper's strange comment was quietly uttered Edward innocently knocked on the still locked bathroom door. What he asked next sent a wave of anxiety running through the blond decked in HAZMAT gear.

"Jasper, have you seen him?"

"NO!" He quickly replied, attempting to calm himself before it spread to the rest of the house. Swiftly he tossed Turtle the Mouse (St. Clair Esquire) into the toilet, unable to think of any other appropriate reaction. "Down you go!" He whispered softly as Edward's footsteps descended the staircase, pulling the …flushy thing on the side of the porcelain throne.

Of course, it was no surprise really when the toilet got clogged by the plump dead mouse.

Esme once again came to the bathroom door, this time wanting to officially start the laundry –and planning on not leaving unless Jasper finally gave her the baskets.

"Hey Jasper, have you finished sorting the laundry yet? I'd like to start the wash soon. As in now." She said as she attempted to open the door, slightly amazed at the fact that Jasper had actually locked it and seemingly forgotten the fact that he could easily open it with only a small bit of force.

"DON'T COME IN!" Jasper shouted as he grabbed a plunger, stuck it in the toilet, and began his efforts to get Turtle out of the toilet. Esme was briefly taken back by this loud response, her brow furrowing as she leaned toward the door, firmly gripping the door handle.

"Jasper? What are you doing?" There was no response from the boy slowly losing his sanity. "Why won't you let me in?!"

Hale said the only thing he could possibly think of at the moment. (And yes, it did make him feel quiet sad to suddenly start sputtering out random things.)

"I'm…Using the potty!" He paused and rolled his eyes and he thought over his statement before continuing to plunge the toilet in attempts to Edward's pet out of it. Esme, however, was not to be thwarted so easily.

"_What_? We don't need to use the bathrooms for those reasons! You know that!" Jasper let out a quiet groan as his adoptive mother broke his concentration. So, he came up with a short retort that was sure to throw her for a loop.

"Speak for yourself! _I_ had to pee!" He grunted. It seemed like all he was doing was jamming the plunger down into the bowels of the toilet in all actuality.

Esme blinked, giving the bathroom door an incredulous look. "Er, what?"

Jasper grunted again, louder this time, and then some more as he nearly snapped the unclogging tool in half. Hearing this, the motherly woman let out a shocked gasp, turning to run down the hall screaming to herself.

After nearly another half-hour of supposedly 'using the potty' Jasper finally opened the door the bathroom, finally realizing that in his momentary lapse of sanity he'd locked the door. He's just now figured out that he could have easily opened the door while hardly even trying. Still, he felt proud of himself for having survived his two-hour-long cleaning spree of the bathroom that had simply started out as him going to get the laundry.

Regardless, he smiled smugly, abruptly striking a superhero pose as he exited the room, Turtle the Mouse now flying out of the open window and floating on the gentle breeze before he hit a random hiker –aka Lauren Mallory– in the back of the head. (She was then completely disgusted and started screaming. 'Sadly', no one seemed to care that much.)

"Mission accomplished."

Jasper's victory was short lived. Esme soon came streaming into the hall staring at the wooden floor in an awed, and slightly angered manner. "_Jasper!_"

"What?" He replied, blinking and looking utterly confused. Esme continued to stare, peering into her rarely used bathroom to assess the damage it may have undergone, and then looked back at her eldest child.

_"What have you done?!"_

"_What?_" He shot back, still completely confused and generally afraid that she was going to attack him or something similar. Her eye twitched, sending a shiver down his spine. Esme's eye only twitched whenever she was extremely angry -or a bit hyper off animal blood. Jasper's look of pale bewilderment only added on to the effect of Esme being down-right terrifying right then and there.

"You flooded. The bathroom!" She gestured pointedly to the tiled floor in an angry manner while Jasper's gaze followed it. Aforementioned floor looked a bit like a lake at that moment, making its way down the stairs in the form of a waterfall. Jasper gulped at the idea of how much water damage he'd just caused before looking back up at his adoptive mother with a quiet 'hmph.'

"Well, I sorted the laundry and suffered through cleaning the bathroom didn't I?" He completed his questionging statement with a smug smirk that quickly faltered. The now sorted laundry -for the most part. Very few would ever notice that there had been a red sock mixed in until they wore white to school- sat in the baskets now suspended by the on-flow of water caused by Jasper's none-too-delicate plunging of the toilet to get a dead mouse out of it.

"Towels", "Whites", and "Darks" floated through the door and then between the two vampires and toward the staires. Jasper and Esme could only stare, watching in utter silence as the three plastic sort-of-bins continued on their way until _bam! _they fell down the stairs, all of the clothes once more mixed together in a big ol' mis-matched heap of clothing.

Seething, Esme turned to Jasper, grinding out the words "Jasper. You. Down there. _NOW!_"

Jasper could only squeak little Turtle had before he was thrown at the bathroom wall and killed before he was all but shoved toward the stairs. He began running down them, only to slep and slide down the rest of them like a water-slide. The only part of the HAZMAT suit he still donned was the headpiece, the rest dropped into a heap where he'd left it after leaving the bathroom. While he was sliding the head-part turned backwards, blocking his view.

Landing at the bottom of the stairs on his butt with a very loud thud, Jasper could only mourn what should have been pain on his buttocks, along with letting out one final cry of dismay.

"My dignity!"

THE END

* * *

**Kirs: How did this happen anyway?**

**Kate: I dunno. IMAGINATION!**

**Kirs: NEXT CHAPTER!**

**Kate: No, that's a later chapter.**

**Kirs: Alice is next!**

**Jasper: MY MOONIE!!**

**THE REAL END**

**......Or is it?**

What better way for twilightnite to bring in the new year -about a week after the fact- than to update one of their oldest stories? HA! XD (Even if I personally don't like this too much and am not sure it's even that funny. :/ God, I dislike this thing. -.- But I also wanna do another bit with the SNL Celebrity Jeopardy thing. We'll see how that works out.)  
But, like we asked before, please don't yell at us, even if it did take a year. D: (pokes above note)  
:DD

-Kate


	48. My Week With the Pack: Sunday

**A/N: **I'm not dead yet. Just slowly dying.  
This was written a few years back when I was 14/15, and it's utter rubbish. I'll let you guess my current age and think I've improved since then.

Because I didn't really care enough to edit this too much since then and didn't want to leave everything to die when it came to my ye olde Twilight stories, I was flipping through my files when I found this and thought I'd wing it at you to see how you all take it.  
The funny thing is, I was actually planning on updating '51 Things Emmett Cullen is Not Allowed to Do' because I had the better half of its third chapter written out and figured that I'd taken along to update it.  
And I can't find it.  
shiznit.  
I did even stare and my computer and go 'Y U NO LOVE ME,' but it didn't really help matters any.

I'll leave my 15-year-old self's note for you as well:

**The Pack needs some stories too ya know… I mean, we should all love them too! So, this is a story for the Pack.**

**GO JACOB, QUIL, EMBRY, uh….PAUL, JARED, SETH, and WHAT'SHISFACE! **

**The world should love you too, although I have problems liking Leah. Oh yeah, and whatshisface is Sam. :)**

**Summary:**_Bella __Swan, __finally __able __to __spend __time __with __the __Pack, __obviously __got __more __than __she __bargained __for. __Then __again, __who __doesn__'__t __love __crazy __teenage __werewolves? __Note: __Contains __random __acts __of __randomness, __a __bit __of __sugar, __etc. __Gotta __love __the __Pack. __R&R!_

**Woop.**

**Sunday**

(Bella)

Ever have a day where you just want to sit down and do nothing? Like you just want to sit down, do absolutely nothing, and just will the couch to swallow you whole?

Welcome to my life.

It's actually been pretty boring ever since graduation. Renée burst into tears (although she called them tears of joy) when Edward and I flew down to a rainy Jacksonville to tell her that I was engaged.

Although I'm pretty sure that a blubbery 'Oh god, my little girl!' is better than 'Good god my daughter! She's getting married!'. Even if she burst into hysterics afterward. I had to slap her with a pillow.

Charlie on the other hand…

I guess some things are better left unsaid.

Edward coughed quietly, getting my attention. I looked up him with a small smile, frowning at his worried look.

"Oh Edward," I said, trying not to laugh at expression, and stood to hug him. "It's only for a week. Don't worry."

"But that's why I worry." He said into my hair as I closed my eyes, trying to enough the last hug I'd get for a while. "Seven days is so long…Almost too long…" He was using a tone I like to call his 'dazzling voice', and was currently kissing the top of my head. My eyes shot open then as I pulled away.

"Oh no. No, no, no." I said, shaking my head, backing away a bit. "You're not talking me out of this Edward." The glimmer in his eyes faded.

"Bella-"

"No Edward, I hardly see any of them now and after I…after we, well, you know." I trailed off, avoiding his gaze.

"I'm sorry Bella." He said, pulling me into another hug. I sighed. "After all, he is your friend….And if you want to, you should see him." I smiled.

"Thank you," I stood up on tiptoes to give him a quick kiss, smiling the whole time. He turned his head at the last minute to respond, so I ended up kissing his teeth. He pulled back, laughing as I kissed him again.

"Well," I said after a minute of so. "I should probably go…" His eyes widened as I said this, startling me. "Edward?" He stuck his lower lip out, pouting.

"You're gonna leave me with Emmett and the rest of them?" His lip quivered. "But Bewwa…" He whined, trying to make his eyes wider. I laughed.

"Yes Eddie-poo, but you can always call Jake if you need me." He narrowed his eyes as I laughed again.

"That's not fair." He huffed. "What if I don't wanna call that mu- him?" I shrugged.

"Fine, I'll call you every night ok? And if something bad happens, I always have you to pay my bail." I smirked mischievously, turning around to pick up my bag.

"B-bail? Bella, what exactly do you have planned for this week?" I bit the inside of my cheek, figuring that I might as well continue.

"Didn't you know?" I asked, hoisting my bag off the floor. "We were planning…" I stopped talking, making a mushroom cloud with hands. "Ka-boom, Eddie-poo." He blinked, still staring at the invisible cloud before glaring at me.

"You know I hate it when you call me that."

"And you know that I hate it when you call the Pack mutts, so we'll call it even." He gave me a confused look before I shrugged.

"Crazy Bella," He chuckled, pulling me into another hug.

"Isn't that why you love me?"

A few moments passed by silently as I held on to him, enjoying his last hug for the week.

"I probably should go now," I whispered, pulling away and reaching for my bag. He nodded, his expression grim.

"If you need anything-"

"Call your cell, I know. But which do I call? I mean, there's Alice, Carlisle, Jasper, Emmett, Esme, you, Rosalie…And you keep throwing them out. Which one?" He blinked.

"Um, the one I gave you the number for?"

"Which one's number is that? The black one? Or the shiny new blue you just got? There's was that red one…" I trailed off, trying to remember just how many cell phones the Cullen's had.

"I could carry them all around if you wanted me to." He offered, shrugging. Emmett chose this moment to walk by into the kitchen.

"Geek Squad on patrol," He muttered under his breath, shooting a humorous glance at Edward who growled at him.

"Look," I said, turning my attention back to him. "How about this, if anything goes wrong, I'll call Charlie and then tell him to call you. And if he doesn't call you like I ask him to, then I'll walk here."

"Please, you can barely remember where the turn off is." Jasper said as he walked up the stairs, a book in his hands.

"Sure she does, only she remembers it once she drives by it." Alice followed, nearly hopping up the stairs.

"Yeah, but it takes her five minutes to figure that out," Rosalie muttered, glancing in at Edward and I.

"You're not helping at all!" I yelled, crossing my arms over my chest. Edward sighed, wrapping an arm across my shoulders.

"Just ignore them, their little insults mean nothing."

"Geek Squad!" Emmett yelled, adding his own colorful vocab about Edward. Edward growled, lunging up the stairs.

"EMMETT!"

With a sigh, I took this as my queue to leave, saying good-bye to Alice as she skipped back into the room before I pulled the front door open to walk to my truck.

0o0o0o0o0

Originally I expected to spend a fairly uneventful week with the Pack, but as I pushed my truck further over the border line and closer to Jacob's small house, I knew things weren't going to go as planned.

My first clue was the fact that no one answered the front door.

"Maybe they went out for a walk?" I said to myself, although in the back of my mind I thought that they had probably forgotten about my visit.

"IY-YAH!" Someone screamed a few yards away, startling me. I turned on my heel, surprised to see the whole Pack standing before me, messing around.

When Paul saw me, I saw anger flash through his eyes, and that anger was immediately replaced with something else.

_Panic._

He hunched over, gasping for air and clutching his throat. It took the rest of us a few seconds to realize what was happening.

_He was choking._

"Paul!" I yelled, making my way over the hunched figure and the Pack. Embry, seeing that his friend was choking, soon yelled, making a fist.

"Man down! CPR stat!" And with that, he punched Paul in the gut, making him spit out the piece of beef jerky he had been choking on.

Of course, since being a werewolf makes Paul quite a bit taller than me, the piece of jerky had to fly out in my direction.

_And it hit me square in the face._

I flinched as it hit me, soon hearing Embry, Jared, and Quil making fun of Paul, as Jake walked over to me.

"Hey Bells," He said smiling, wrapping me in a warm hug.

"Hey Jake, what's up?" I asked, smiling back at him. Quil snickered.

"Jake and Bella, sittin' in a tree K-I-S- OOFF!" He grabbed his stomach, falling to the ground as Jake brought his fist back. The rest of the Pack made a few catcalls and other remarks, and soon they were laughing again, rough housing. I sighed.

_This was going to be a **long** week._

_**Sunday**_

**A/N: And there's Sunday for you. At least part of it anyways. This is also just the beginning, which was why it was kind of slow and not overly funny. But I can guarantee a few laughs out of you once we get underway.**

**Reviews are nice, and always welcomed. –hint hint nudge nudge-**

The above was 15-year-old-self's note as well.  
She's kinda a moron. (:  
I might work on this a bit from time-to-time if only to have some sort of reason to update this thing.

So, with that, I'll leave you with the above and go look for '51 Things' because it's going to start bugging me sooner or later.  
I'm also writing _Left 4 Dead (2)_ and _Star Wars_ fanfiction, if any of you are interested. PM me if you care?

**-kate**


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